


Just Another Lie, Right?

by nobodynose



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gay, M/M, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:02:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 46,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24404755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nobodynose/pseuds/nobodynose
Summary: Originally posted on wattpad under user @nobodynose27"Dear Evan Hansen, Life at rehab is alright. But there's one more thing that needs mentioning; You know that guy from school? Jared Kleinman? We should make him part of this friendship we have."Jared looked over at Evan to see his reaction. He was sure he'd be furious. Evan shrugged, "We've lied up to this point, why not add another lie in the mix."
Relationships: Alana Beck & Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26





	1. •1•

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings :  
> Cursing  
> Suggestive comments (because jared exists)  
> Gay slurs  
> Gay stuff  
> Mentions of suicide (it is dear evan hansen)  
> Suicide attempts  
> Big stupid stuff  
> This story moves as slow as turtles.
> 
> Thanks for giving my book a try, it means a lot to me.
> 
> -Kelli
> 
> (originally posted on wattpad, under user @nobodynose27)

"Hey Jared."

I looked up from my phone to see Evan awkward standing in front of my table, holding his lunch tray.

"Hey acorn. How's it hanging?" I put my phone down and laughed hysterically at my own joke. "You get it? Acorn? Hanging?"

"Uh... Yeah..." He responded, sitting down across from me.

"Woah woah woah why are you sitting here?" 

"Well I usually sit by myself and we're frien-"

"We're family friends, Hansen." I said, cutting him off. "Just because we're in the Connor Project together doesn't mean we're suddenly friends."

Senior year so far is complete hell. I was kind of hoping to just breeze past it and make my way into college, but Evan was like "nah Ima screw it up for you, Jared." and proceeded to lie about his relationship with Connor.

Which, at first, I thought he didn't have any relationship with Connor. But after this month or so, it seems him and Connor were soulmates. That is, if this wasn't all a complete lie.

I'm not exactly sure what situation Evan got himself into, but it's screwed with our school year so far. I've barley had anytime for... homework... with all the scoobity-gloobity we have going on right now.

Every Thursday he'll ask for more emails. That's not too hard. But Alana's 100% dedicated to this. She wouldn't let us go a week without supervising a fundraising event. 

Last week we had a bake sale, and she made me dress up as a grandma selling cookies.

What the hell have I gotten myself into?

"O-oh..." Evan sighed, walking away. After a moment of hesitation, I yelled, "Wait- Uh, sure." I gestured the seat across from me.

Evan smiled broadly for a second before composing himself and sitting down.

I focused back onto my phone, resuming the video I had playing. 

"Are you... um... gonna talk to me?" He asked nervously, as Evans do.

I shrugged. "Are you gonna talk to me?"

He shrugged. We both continued eating in silence, that is, until Alana came over.

"EVAN! JARED!" She yelled, racing toward us from the other end of the cafeteria.

Before she got to us, I slammed my fists on the table and said, "Can I just have two minutes to enjoy my p- YouTube video?"

"No time for that!" Alana said, taking my phone. She glanced at it for a second with a disgusted look before closing it out and handing my phone back to me. "We need to brainstorm fundraising ideas!"

"Relax..." I said, pocketing my phone. "We already have a thousand dollars, and we still have like, what, three months?"

"Four-" Evan corrected quietly.

"Three months-"

"Four-"

"Ok, four months might seem like a lot, but it really goes by fast." Alana said, rambling on. I've lived more than four months, Alana, I know how slow it goes. "Besides," she continued, "If we do the math-"

"I'm out." I said, pretending to stand up and take my tray away.

"If we do the math" Alana continued, ignoring my interruption, "That's a thousand dollars in a week, there's four weeks in a month..."

I tuned out, really not wanting to hear Alana's calculations. Math was first period. Math is done for the day.

"That's only sixteen-thousand by our deadline." She said, "And that's only if the rate of donations stays the same, which it might not."

I won't admit it out loud, but I have no idea what she's talking about. I can barely do slope intercept, and now she expects me to understand the ups and downs of economics? No way, sister.

"Anyway. Ideas?" 

"If we do the bake sale again, Evan's the grandma." I blurted.

"Hey don't be a sour sport," Alana said, "We both know Evan's too smol to be a grandma."

Evan's like half a foot taller than me.

"Uh... well... I don't know..." Evan started, fidgeting with his fingers, "but maybe we could do a dance or something?"

"That's great!" Alana said at the same time I said "That's stupid."

"Everyone loves dances! And since Ms. Skylar retired, we really haven't had many." Alana reasoned.

"The money will start pouring in!" I added.

Alana rolled her eyes at me and I rolled mine back at her. 

Alana's a pain sometimes.

"You're a pain sometimes, Jared." She said.

Well, she got me there.

"See y'all around." She said before picking up her lunch try and walking over to her usual table.

Evan and I were sitting in silence again.

Every here and there, Evan assures me that what we're doing is for a good cause. All this lying. "It's for the Murphys." He says. I've never really gotten around to asking him how, but it's for the Murphys.

So far, though, all it seems this project has done is get Evan with Zoe and me dressed up as a grandma. And a thousand dollars. But still. That orchard closed for a reason. Does Alana just expect everyone to suddenly start going to it again if/when it's restored? Cause I don't.

I should've just not wrote the emails for Evan. I should've stayed in bed watching movies and eating popcorn. Right now, I could be eating my mac and cheese and watching "YouTube" in peace. But no. I had to do this. Had to take the hard way.

I could march up to the Murphy's right now, and skip the last two school periods. I could walk up to Zoe and tell her the whole story. But we're so far into it that no one would believe me. Evan's viewed as the hero, now, not some kid with anxiety who writes sex letters. They'd all think I'm some crazy, immoral friendship-killer.

And that's exactly the opposite of how I want to be viewed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally Published: 5/13/19


	2. •2•

Evan wanted me to write more emails for him this afternoon.

I really rather be in bed.

But hey, we're doing it for the Murphy's.

I lead him into Workout Heaven in silence. I show Greg, the dude who's always at the desk, my membership card and he let's me in.

The gym is pretty empty, since it's a Thursday afternoon. There's a couple of chicks hanging out around the treadmills, but they're not actually _o_ n them. They actually look like they're about to leave. That sucks.

"Ok." I say, sitting down on a bench beside water fountain. "What's it gonna be today? Fields of flowers? Family problems? Summer camp?"

"How about rehab?" He said quietly, looking at his fingers.

I shot him finger guns. "Great idea! We all know Connor was a drug addict. He'd be a perfect addition to those mad scientists. At least he'd blend in."

"You know he actually went to rehab, right?" Evan asked, apparently not sensing the obvious sarcasm in my voice.

I gasped, "Whattt! Noooo" I said even more sarcastically, dragging out my words so Evan was sure to pick up on it.

"Oh... Well he did." Evan said. I sighed. Sometimes this boy is hopeless.

I opened up a new file and named it "connorlikesdrugs.txt" and starting typing.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**   
**Rehab's awesome, dude. I fit in perfectly!**

"Jared.." Evan growled, and I smirked.

"I really don't see what's wrong with this." I said, pointing to the screen. Evan shot me a look, but I continued adding on to the current email.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**   
**Rehab's awesome, dude. I fit in perfectly! All the other maniacs here may be maniacs, but they're my maniacs.**

I started bursting out laughing at what I wrote, "That's so _gay_!" I said in between snorts.

"Jared!" Evan squeaked, as if he was embarrassed by my laughter. "Jared..." He said again, quieter and more disappointingly. It seems that my name is the only thing Evan can say, since he's been saying it the last two minutes.

"Evan." I said, trying to mock his tone.

Without even looking at me, Evan took the computer out of my lap and started his own email.

 **Dear Evan Ha** -

But before he could even get the first line typed out, I grabbed my laptop back and continued typing.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**   
**I don't wanna go back to rehab. I don't mind the yoga, and the group meetings are alright.**

I looked at Evan for approval and he smiled, nodding. I smirked, thinking of something to write next.

 **Dear Evan Hansen,**  
 **I don't wanna go back to rehab. I don't mind the yoga, and the group meetings are alright**. **But people share some crazy** **shit** **, like about sucking** **dick** **for meth.**

"Jared!" Evan yelled.

I put my hands up in defence, "It happens, though! I saw it on TV."

"Take it out" he mumbled. I sighed.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**   
**I have to find a way to kick this. I don't wanna go back to rehab.**

"That's good." Evan said. He kinda sounded like he was proud of me, which was a joke in itself.

I looked at Evan, and I noticed he was squeezing his arm. Interesting. I knew that Evan had lots of nervous quirks, but I've definitely never seen him squeezing his arm before. It's really kinda gross.

"What's up with your arm?"

"I- Oh, I got my cast taken off."

I roll my eyes, "I see that dummy! I mean your _arm_ , why do you keep squeezing it? It's freaking me out!"

He looked down at his arm for a moment before putting his hands behind his back and saying. "I don't know! Whatever. Let's just... emails."

Ah yes, emails. For the Murphy's. For this stupid lie.

I grumble quietly before resuming typing.

**Dear Connor Murphy,**   
**I know it sucks. Just like us when we're in dark closets.**

"The hell Jared!" Evan whisper-yelled, trying not to disturb the buff guy only a few feet away from our bench.

I shrugged.

"We've been making emails for like... two weeks now! You should know my expectations."

"Oh sorry _mom_." I said. Sometimes I feel like Evan thinks of himself more as my boss than he does as my friend. Family friend.

**Dear Connor Murphy,**   
**I know, and I'm sorry. But your parents must know what's best for you, right?**

And we - or should I say _I_ \- keep going, making more and more emails. Emails about rehab, family issues, how much Connor needs Zoe... Stuff like that.

The same old story over and over again. Connor has a problem, Evan fixes it. Connor has no other friends. Why would he? He's a freak.

But he's not a freak and he doesn't need any other friends. Evan's there!

Evan's _always_ there.

After about ten or so emails, I decided to spice things up a little, give the story some dramatic twist.

I knew Evan wasn't going to let me fall through with it, but it would be gold to see his reaction.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**   
**You know that insanely cool guy frim school? Jared Kleinman? Who am I kidding! Of course you know Jared Kleinman! Everybody does! What do you think about inviting him into our awesome friendship and making this thing a trio? He seems like an insanely cool guy to have around!!**

I smirked at Evan, trying to get his attention and see his reaction. Turns out, though, he was looking at the screen the entire time I was typing it.

He shrugged, looking me directly in the eye. "If we lied up to this point, what'll be so bad about adding another lie into the mix?"

I was bamboozled. "What- what are you saying."

He smiled, standing up. He held out his hand and said, "Jared Kleinman, welcome into the Evan-Connor friendship!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally published 5/29/19


	3. •3•

I stared at Evan.

Ok, what the hell was happening?

Evan was standing up beside me, his hand stuck out as if we were doing some professional business deal in which I would sign a contract, shake his hand, accidentally break that contract, and then suffer consequences.

I laughed nervously. "No..." I said quietly.

"N-no?" Evan repeated, his hand drooping a little .

"No." I said, taking my eyes off Evan and looking toward the computer screen. "It was a joke, Evan."

"Of course..." Evan said, completely lowering his hand and looking at his feet, before sitting back down.

Evan's already gotten himself into this big mess. A huge mess that doesn't seem messy to anyone but us two. Knowing Evan, though, something will happen, he'll realize his mistakes, and tell everyone.

Which is kinda stupid. Why would you reveal your secrets if you were having fun keeping them? At first, Evan seemed bothered to have to write these emails, but now it kinda seems like he's enjoying it.

And, ok I admit it, I kinda am having fun, too. And though I'll never forgive Alana for... basically everything that's been done in the Connor Project, I am having a little fun with Evan and the emails. Being a dead kid, writing emails to my best friend about things that I don't think Connor ever cared about. It's fun. I won't admit it though.

I mean, I know this whole thing is useless, in the long run, but I can, and _will,_ enjoy it.

And though Evan seems upset with me when i screw up one of the emails, I feel like he's trying to hide a smile. Typical Evan, if you ask me.

Well, he can't hide anything from ol' Jared, here. Evan _i_ s enjoying this. And, hell, I am too. If this opportunity just ran up to me like that, there's no reason to throw it away. Might as well make worse of what was already kinda bad.

"Yes." I said after a long moment of silence. I still wasn't looking Evan in the eye, but I could just smell the small smile radiating from him.

"What?"

"Hell. Yes." I could feel a smile tugging at my lips. This was amazing. I was gonna be part of something amazing. Amazingly stupid and amazingly dirty, but also amazingly fun.

I stood up quickly, almost slamming the laptop on the bench. I grabbed Evan's hands and pulled him up off the bench, so he was standing, too. I held out my hand and said, "By shaking my hand, you'll be signing the 'Evan-Connor- _Jared_ friendship' contract, which will have a great deal of consequences if you break."

Evan laughed - not like, small giggle, but _laughed_ \- and shook my hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this was a really short chapter. I should've included it in the other chapter but too late now I guess.
> 
> Published: 6/9/19


	4. •4•

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah why does this chapter exist?

One of the first things Evan said after he signed the contract was "You gotta introduce yourself to the Murphys."

I guess he forgot about that one time Alana and I went over there to introduce the Connor Project. I bet the Murphys forgot about me, too, though. I mean, I didn't seem to play a significant part.

Of course, they didn't know what was happening behind the curtain. Evan and I writing fake emails and making up fake stories. They didn't know that _I wa_ s the Connor in those emails.

Hopefully they never know that.

The doorbell rang and I jumped to my feet. I was dressed semi-fancy today since I was going to a big, rich, fancy sleepover.

"It's not a sleepover-" Evan told me earlier on the car ride back from Workout Heaven.

"Of course. You just eat dinner and then nap on their dead son's bed until school."

So now I was answering the door, in a t-shirt and a button-up that was actually _buttoned up_! That's as semi-fancy as I can get, really. If you want me to dress more semi-fancy, you better have a dang good reason.

"Hey Evan." I said. He nodded in response before walking. I followed him.

"Wait aren't we gonna drive?" I asked, "I can drive, you know."

"Oh, I was completely unaware." He said sarcastically. I didn't know wether to be scared of proud that Evan has finally picked up on some sarcasm.

Either way, I assumed that Evan would just rather walk on days like these. The weather was relatively nice, especially for September.

We walked in silence for a few moments, but I knew it was going to be a long walk, so I started conversation. "So, what's it like being Connor's best friend?"

Evan made a quiet growl noise.

"Woah! Someone's upset!"

"I just- I don't feel like it right now, Jared." He said quietly. I could tell he was upset.

And something came over me that hasn't came over me since 7th grade - sympathy. That's kinda weird. I've been training myself since middle school to fit in. To be a bully, per say. And apparently I'm an expert bully, since I haven't been made fun of since then. It was like a spell kinda.

I'm not a soft person.

But I know how to stop picking on people.

I looked at Evan. He was looking at the ground. I have no idea how he could see where he was going, but he hasn't bumped into anything yet.

I felt something hit the side of my face.

I stumbled back and looked up. I bumped into a lamppost. I realized that I was paying so much attention to Evan that _I_ wasn't looking where I was going.

Evan looked back at me with a blank face. Not even a smile. Weird, if this happened to him, I'd be bursting out laughing.

Well, I guess he isn't me.

"Ha." I said, because sometimes you just need that sense of comic relief.

"Are you okay?" Evan said absent-mindedly.

"Are _you_ okay?" I asked, ignoring the pain in my face and walking to catch up with Evan. "You've barley said anything, you look like you're about to puke, and there's no personality in your voice! Are. You. Okay?!"

He finally shook his head. "This-" He gestured around him. "This is bad."

I was a slight bit confused. "The... Environment is bad?"

Evan huffed, "No, _this_. The Murphy thing. Connor."

I couldn't stop myself from laughing, "Damn right it's bad! We've been doing this for what - three weeks now? - and you just _no_ w noticed that its _bad_?" I said between laughs.

I finally cleared the tears out of my eyes and was able to get a good look at Evan. He had tears in his eyes too, but definitely not from laughing.

"Evan..." I said, feeling extremely bad. It's sometimes hard to remember that not everyone has my sense of humor.

But I'm not too good at stepping into other people's shoes.

Evan stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. His eyes went wide and his voice was suddenly panicked. "Jared, I'm... I'm... I'm gonna-" He started swaying slightly and I ran up to him and put my hands on his shoulders.

"Evan? What the hell is wrong with you?" I said, trying to joke with him, but my voice came out panicked, too.

Evan grabbed on to my arms, trying to keep himself stable, "Jar-"

And he passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk where this book is headed.
> 
> Published: 6/9/19


	5. •5•

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh shoot it gets kinda gay.  
> Well I guess that's why you're here.

Well shit.

Before me, lying on the sidewalk is an unconscious Evan. God damnit.

I stood there, staring at him. What else was I supposed to? I was hoping that he'd wake up like three seconds after fainting, but no. Something was wrong with this boy.

After probably about three minutes of mindless staring, I walked up and kneeled beside him. "Evan wake up, you dingus." I said, trying to keep my tone lighthearted.

Given the circumstances, one would assume I was the reason Evan fainted. Scientifically, though, that doesn't really make sense. Yes, I pay attention in science class. Surprise.

I put my hands on his shoulders and lightly shook his body. Still, nothing.

Is he _dead_?

A sudden wave of panic washed over me with that though. There is _no wa_ y I killed this boy.

I could call the hospital, but I knew Evan's mom was working a shift that night. If she found out Evan was hurt... well, let's not go there.

But I can't just leave him lying in the middle of the sidewalk!

I mean.... I could..?

I sat criss-crossed beside him, staring at his unconscious body.

I looked around for something I could do to help him. I saw a nearby water fountain and realized I was a little thirsty. I walked over and got a sip before looking over back at Evan.

Why did he pass out? Right before he did, he was talking about how he didn't like lying to the Murphys.

And then he just... kinda... passed out?

Ok but who does that?

I'm no doctor, (trust me, I know that), but I know a few reasons why someone could pass out. Heat, exhaustion, dehydration... etc, etc.

I wish I had one of those doctor tools they have hanging around their necks, because then I'd look certified to do this stuff on a sidewalk:

I walked up to Evan and sat back down beside him, putting my hand on his forehand. Maybe he was overheated?

But it _was_ the beginning of fall, and, to me at least, it felt super cool.

After a second or so, I heard Evan say, "Jared... what are you doing?"

I jolted back, surprised from the sudden awakening.

"Jesus, Evan!" I exclaimed, "You can't just-" I looked at him for a moment before scrapping that sentence and starting a new one, "I was _trying_ to keep you _alive_." I huffed.

"Oh, uh, thanks."

"Sit up." I said blankly.

"W-what?"

"Sit up, you intellectual." I said, slightly aggravated. Evan looked at me strangely, and I rethought what I just said.

God damnit, I accidentally complimented him.

That's _not my job_.

"I- uh- Forget it! Just sit up, Evan!" I yelled, more annoyed with myself then him at this point.

He sat up quickly, and I shoved him back down carefully. " _Slowly,_ dummy. Sit up _slowly_. You wanna pass out again?"

He sighed and waited a moment before slowly sitting up.

"You good?" I asked.

He turned his head to me and nodded. "I still feel a little dizzy, but yeah."

I nodded back and looked away from him.

There was a moment of awkward silence. Urg, I hated awkward silence. Not because it's awkward, I'm used to that, but because it's silent. I hate silence.

Out of no where, I laughed.

Oh my fricking god.

Laughing randomly is one of my gross quirks. I hate it so much. Sometimes if it's quiet, I'll unconsciously try to fill the silence by laughing. And I can't stop it most of the time. It's not like I think "yeah let's laugh at nothing." No. It's just gross and stupid.

Evan smiled sympathetically. Since we've been friends for so long, he's known about this quirk and how much I despise it.

To break the silence, I asked "When was the last time you drank?"

Evan seemed a little taken aback by the question, "I... Jared I don't drink..."

" _Water_ , you idiot." I said. And though I wanted my tone to sound harsh, (like family friend's tones are supposed to sound), it came out soft.

I'm not a soft person.

"Oh. Um..." Evan looked up at the sky for a moment before saying, "I'm not sure?"

"The hell, Evan! You're dehydrated! Fool." I said rather loudly. I walked over to the water fountain, planning on filling up a water bottle or something to give to Evan, but then I realized I didn't have a water bottle, since we were planning to go straight to the Murphys.

"Hey do you happen to carry around a water bottle everywhere you go? That seems like something you'd do." I called from the water fountain.

"Jared we just established the fact that I'm dehydrated."

Oh yeah. Oops I'm dumb.

I turned to him and asked, "Can you stand? We need to get you home for some water."

I felt really odd being a "doctor" to Evan. Like, I want to protect him and all, he's my friend, but this is probably the nicest I've ever been to him. It was unusual, for probably both me and Evan.

Evan shrugged and tried to stand up.

He fell back down.

"That's a no then."

"Shouldn't we call the hospital?"

"Oh yes," I said sarcastically, "Call the hospital your mom works at. Because wouldn't it just be perfect if your mom picked up and we had to explain _everything_."

" That's a no then. " Evan mumbled.

I turned back to the water fountain and got water the only way I knew how to without a cup. With my hands.

"It was extremely smart of you to not drink. _Ever."_ I remarked as I walked up and kneeled in front of Evan. "Drink."

"Bu-"

" _Drink, Evan._ " I saud behind gritted teeth.

"Ho-"

"Evan!" I yelled, aggravated by his bluntness.

"Ok fine!" He said defeated.

He grabbed the sides of my hands like a cup and tilted the water into his mouth.

It didn't occur to me how weird that was until it was done.

"Sorry that was extremely gay." I said after an awkward laugh.

"What?" Evan said, turning to me.

" Nevermind. Can you stand up now? "

Evan tried to stand up and I tried to support him. Once he was up, I smiled.

"I'm gonna have to call the Murphys..." He mumbled.

"Yeah probably." I said, before smirking and saying "Kinda nice you didn't kill yourself, huh?"

He smiled and nodded.

"Now you, being stupid and not drinking anything, should probably go home, and not be stupid and drink something." I said.

"Only if you come too." He said, smiling, before rambling, "I mean if you don't want to that's fine-"

I shrugged, "As if I have anything better to do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published: 6/12/19


	6. •6•

Evan and I got to his house without any disruptions.

Thank god. I did _no_ t like being a doctor. Note to self: cross medicare off the career list.

Right now Evan and I were sitting on the floor of his living room, because we're nerds and don't use couches. Evan was on the phone with Mrs. Murphy, explaining why we weren't able to come to dinner.

"I'm really sorry it's just-"

"Evan" I whispered, "You know you can still go. Just stay hydrated."

He looked at me, still rambling on the phone, and shook his head, mouthing the words "It's fine."

I shrugged. It's not like I really cared either way, but I kinda wanted to get this game in motion. Maybe I could call Alana and say something like "Ey Evan forgot to mention me at his speech."

But that would ruin the run of this natural-flowing process. I can't just insert myself into the cycle, I have to be _adapted_ into it.

"Thanks for understanding!" Evan said before hanging up.

"How'd it go?"

He shrugged. "She said she was fine with it, and that I can take all the time I need."

I nodded and we kinda just stared at the television for a long moment.

"Thanks, Jared." He said, out of no where.

"For what? Helping you write creepy sex letters?" I asked, giggling at my own joke afterwards.

"I- what? No!" Evan said, sounding little upset. "No. For helping me-"

"Write sex letters." I finished. As much as I enjoyed seeing Evan back and conscious, I also really enjoy making fun of him.

"Jared I'm trying to have a heartwarming moment and you're ruining it!" Evan spat out fast. He sighed before continuing. "Thanks for keeping me _alive_.

I laughed awkwardly, "You know that was a joke, right. You wouldn't have died-"

"Well I may have!" He spoke in his typical nervous-Evan manner, fast and slightly loud. "We'll never know because you came-"

"I was already there-" I barked in.

"and helped." He said, ignoring my interruption. "Thanks."

I looked up from the TV and looked at him. In the eye. I can't remember the last time I got a chance to look Evan in the eye. He's usually always looking at his feet or fiddling with his shirt. But not now. He was looking me in the eye and I was looking him in the eye.

He looked... Happy? Proud? I couldn't tell. But it was definitely not a negative emotion.

Weird... I'm used to being associated with negative emotions.

"I-"

I didn't know how to respond. Sound arrogant and just say "You're welcome"? Do the ol' uno-reverse-card method and say "Thanks for cooperating."? Maybe I shouldn't say anything and just pat him on the back.

But there's no way sitting in silence isn't gonna make me look weird.

"Did Alana ever plan that dance?" Evan said, changing the subject, thank god. I didn't think I could handle another second of silence.

"I'm not sure. I'd assume she would, being the miss-always-ready she is." I responded slightly rudely.

I expected Evan to retort, telling me that I shouldn't talk to Alana like that, but instead he just nodded and said "Yeah that makes sense. Maybe we should call and ask?"

"Nah." I said, "Let's just let her yell across the cafeteria again tomorrow."

At that moment, the door opened behind us and Ms. Hansen walked in, still in her work uniform.

"Evan?" She said when she spotted Evan, and then her gaze turned to me, "Oh, you brought Jared..."

What time was it? Evan's mom usually got home around 1. But the I remembered today was Thursday, the day where Ms. Hansen has a shorter shift.

It was 8:42.

"Yeah. I did." said Evan rather stiffly. "Is something wrong with that?"

"No no no no!" Ms. Hansen said, and suddenly I felt like I was gonna be dragged into a conversation. "It's just that usually you're at his house-"

"Nope, it's fine, we'll go." Evan said, grabbing my arm and pulling me to my feet. "We'll be in my room."

"Evan no- I-"

"It's okay mom!" Evan half-shouted, before pulling me into his room and closing the door.

He sighed. With all of the context clues, I have came the the conclusion that Evan and his mom do not have a very stable relationship.

It's weird, though, because when we were little they seemed to get along so well. I don't know what happened.

Why would I know, though? I'm not supposed to care.

"Sorry." Evan mumbled, and I shrugged.

I looked around his room. I haven't been in it since I was like 14. That's like 4 years ago, jesus. It's changed a lot since then. His walls were painted a mint green color, and there were only a few things on his walls. He had a nice collage of tree pictures on one wall. On another wall, there were a couple family pictures, but I couldn't quite see the faces.

I walked over to inspect them, my curiosity getting the best of me. One of the pictures were of just Evan and his mom, when Evan seemed to be about 8. Another was one the entire family. Evan was about 2. His mom looked like her cheery self and his dad wore a proud face. They looked so happy.

I shifted my gaze to the next picture and I felt my heart swell. It was a picture from Evan's 7th birthday party. More specifically, it was a picture taken after he unwrapped the little bonsai tree I gave him. He was hugging me, his face bright with excitement. And I was hugging back, my face bright with happiness.

We were happy.

Oh how times have changed.

I looked around his room some more and, sure enough, the bonsai tree was on his nightstand beside his little lamp. I felt all of the happiness from that birthday party return.

"You still have that?" I said softly.

"Yeah." Evan responded simply, a small smile on his face.

I walked over to it and I saw that it was still doing perfectly. In fact, it almost looked the same as it did 11 years ago.

"It's the one plant I've gotten that hasn't died yet." Evan elaborated. "You picked a nice one."

I couldn't help but smile at that.

"Yeah. I guess I did."

There was a small silence that filled the room. Unlike last time, though, this silence was beautiful.

"I named it Klein. After you." He said after a moment.

I busted out laughing, ruining the moment, "You _what_?" I asked, still laughing.

"Yeah it's dumb-" Evan said, rubbing the back of his neck and looking at his feet.

"No." I said softly, my laughing abruptly ending. "I just- didn't see it coming I guess. It's cute."

He smiled and hugged me.

And I hugged back.

Just like at his 7th birthday party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published: 6/13/19


	7. •7•

At school the next day, Evan and I went to talk to Alana. We've planned this scene and have rehearsed it over and over again to make sure it seemed believable.

My arms were crossed and stomped over to her, while Evan nervously fiddled with his belt loop. Of course, both of us were excited; this was just an act.

"Oh. Evan... and uh... Jared." Alana said, inspecting us. "Oh no, what's wrong."

"Mr. Hansen here left out a little fact in his... Extravaganza." I said, using the same tone of disgust I'm so used to using.

"Uh, yeah..." Evan said, not meeting Alana's gaze. For a nervous wreck, he sure is a good actor. Well, I guess that would explain how he got so many lies through everyone's head. "Jared... He..." He sighed before rushing it all out, "Jared was part of the friendship too!"

Alana's eyes widened. "You mean-.... Jared?"

I nodded, "I told him he didn't have to mention me at first, but apparently he thought that meant he didn't have to mention me at _all_." Ok, I may have added that to our little skit, but what does it matter? If anything, it made it more believable.

Evan looked at me with a face that said, "That wasn't our plan." I gave him a look that said "It is now."

"That's a little selfish of you." Alana said to Evan, her tone slightly soft and a little disappointed.

"I was gonna mention it eventually..." Evan mumbled.

"It's okay Evan. I'm just glad you didn't forget about ol' Jared here." Alana said, patting my back.

She stepped back and asked, "So, were you at the orchard, too? The day Evan broke his arm?"

"Ye-"

"NO!" I said, interrupting Evan before he got himself into a messy conversation. "No. That was for Connor and Evan only."

Alana raised an eyebrow at me, "A... date?"

"A _date_." I said, smirking at Evan.

"He's joking" Evan informed Alana.

"I am not."

"Yes you are."

"Ok." I turned to Alana and said "I am joking."

Alana nodded slowly. "Right..." She said, obviously a little suspicious of our behavior. She washed it off fast though, saying, "Alright then! Now about that dance fundraiser..."

\- - - - - - - - - 

That afternoon, Evan and I walked home together. Another thing we haven't done since middle school. I guess the Connor Project can help me with something; getting closer to Evan again. Like old times.

That night, we were planning on going to the Murphys for dinner. Hopefully without Evan fainting from dehydration. He's been drinking a lot more, recently, so that's a good sign.

"I think I should drive us tonight." I said to Evan as we walked across an intersection. "You know, to prevent dehydration."

"I _could_ just bring a water bottle on the walk, you know. " He responded. "Besides, I've been drinking a lot these last few days. Water, or course."

I nodded, "Ok fine, but if we look all sweaty, it's your fault."

"Fine."

We got to his house and he turned to me.

"See you tonight Jared." He said.

I nodded. "Yep."

I walked to my house in silence.

When I got home, I walked up to my room and got on my laptop. There's so many things I could've done, like watch YouTube or chat on Skype.

But instead I opened a new text file and started typing.

**Dear Jared Kleinman,**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ey, filler chapters are cool!  
> Sorry I'm just kinda rushing to get to the good stuff (the gay stuff).  
> This chapter was useless.  
> ONTO THE NEXT!
> 
> Published: 6/14/19


	8. •8•

The doorbell rang just as I folded the printed emails into my pocket. I rushed down the stairs to open the door, reveal none other than Evan.

"Hey Hansen." I said.

"Hey Jared." He responded. He backed up a step before dazing off. "Wow.." He said quietly.

"What?" I teased, "Is this view just too charming for you?" I did an imaginary hairflip and smirked at him.

"Yeah." He said, still dazed off. I stumbled back slightly. I was surprised more than anything. Evan responded to a witty remark? _About me?_

"It's just..." He elaborated, "I haven't been to your house in such a long time. It looks different somehow. Did you repaint the walls?"

Oh. He was talking about my house. Not me. That explains it.

I laughed and said, "Oh yeah we did a couple years ago. I think ninth grade?"

He nodded. "Ok, let's go."

We walked down the sidewalk for a moment before I pulled the letters out of my pocket. "Look what I got!" I waved them in his face like a child.

"Hey stop it!" He said before grabbing one of them and reading it out loud.

" **Dear Jared Kleinman,**  
 **Long time no speak, am I right? I doubt you remember me. Hi, it's your old family friend, Evan. You know Connor right? Connor Murphy? Him and I are like besties. But you seemed lonely so we were like "let's add another loser to the mix." Lol. "**

Evan interrupted the letter reading to say, "Did you really make me say 'Lol'?"

I shrugged, "Seemed like something you'd say. Besides, you can't say you forgot that phase in middle school when you'd always say 'lol' out loud."

He sighed, shaking his head, before continuing.

" **So, if you need some friends, him and I are open to you. Just thought I'd let you know.**  
 **Sincerely,**  
 **Me."**

"Why does it sound like I view you as a loser?" Evan said, folding the email back up.

"Because you do." I responded, shrugging.

"No." He said quietly, shoving the letter back in my hand. His eyes were back on the ground, where they usually are.

I was expecting him to elaborate on the simple response, but he kept quiet.

We continued walking in an awkward silence that I didn't know how to break.

"Don't faint this time please." I said quietly, mostly to myself, but Evan heard.

He stiffled a small laugh and said, "Sure."

Around our walk's halfway mark, my phone rang in my pocket.

"Yes hi okay I don't really care right now I'm in the middle of some important business bye." I said after answering the call.

"Jared. It's Alana." Alana said from the other end of the line

"Yeah I know. I look at the Caller ID before picking up." I responded bluntly.

"Sorry. I was just wondering why you haven't put anything on the Connor Project website about yourself yet."

I shrugged, even though she couldn't see my shrug. "Haven't had time I guess. I'll do it when I get home."

"Wait so where are you right no-" I pressed the end call button and put my phone back in my pocket.

"Alana is frustrating." I said simply.

Evan shrugged, "Sure, but she is helpful."

"For what?" I said looking up at Evan. Jeez, he was so much taller than me. "For getting you noticed around the globe? For lowering your loser status? For getting Zoe?" I kept my tone soft, trying not to hurt Evan too much. I knew Evan. He was fragile. If I raised my voice at him, he'd break, raising his voice back. And, just like that, our friendship would be over.

At the sound of Zoe's name, he perked up.

"I'm not trying to hurt you." I said, putting my hands up as a sort of surrender motion. "I'm just wondering what it's all for for you. For me, it's just for fun. Cuz we all know I'm heartless."

Evan looked at me, unsure what to say. I couldn't read his mind, but I think I still hurt him, despite me trying explicitly not to.

"I-" He said, before inhaling, "I don't think I want Zoe."

I looked back at him. He wasn't looking at me anymore. He was just looking in my general direction.

I laughed awkwardly, "And why are you asking me for love advice?"

He shrugged, "I'm not. Just saying."

We walked the rest of the way in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made this chapter extremely long at first, so I cut it in half so it wouldn't be as bad.
> 
> Published: 6/16/19


	9. •9•

Evan knocked on the Murphys door and was greeted by Zoe.

"Hey Evy!" She said, giving Evan a little kiss on the head. It would've been kinda cute if Evan didn't just tell me what he told me.

"Are you gonna acknowledge my existence?" I asked teasingly.

Zoe shook her head slowly. "Do I... know you?"

I gave her a thumbs up. "You do now!"

"Mom! Evan's here with some weird friend." Zoe called.

Mrs. Murphy came down and gave Evan a hug. "Hi Evan! How are you!" Her gaze turned to me. "Jared!" She gave me a hug, too. Her hugs were very tight, and left me feeling slightly uncomfortable.

"Jared." Zoe repeated, her tone reflecting disgust.

"Come in, come in!" Mrs. Murphy said, leading us into the house.

I know I've been here before, but it still rattled me how big the house was. I wish my house was this big.

Mrs. Murphy led us into the dining room and sat us down at a rather big table. I was seated at the end of the table, beside Evan and Mr. Murphy. Evan was beside Zoe and Mrs. Murphy was at the other end of the table, facing me.

"The lasagna is in the oven right now." She said. She turned to Evan, "So, I heard that Jared was involved too?"

Evan swallowed and nodded. "He wasn't at the orchard the day Connor and I went, but yeah, he frequently came to Al A Mode with us."

I realized I had no idea what Al A Mode was. Maybe on the walk he should've caught me up with the stories.

But I knew it would be awkward if I didn't contribute to the conversation at all. "Yep." I said. "Of course, I was mainly a third wheel."

"You were _not_." Evan hissed. Of course I knew this was all pretend, but part of me felt like Evan genuinely wanted to say that.

"I mean you and Connor did most of the talking!" I said, my voice escalating.

"You could've still said something!" He responded, his voice escalating a little, too.

"I _did!_ That doesn't mean you two cared!" I yelled. Even though this was partly a lie, I felt like I was spilling out stuff that's been held inside me for a while.

"How do you know?" He yelled.

"Because you barely ever talk to me now!" I shouted. Silence fell upon the table.

Zoe let out a small laugh, desperate to break the silence, "And I thought my parents fought about nothing."

"This isn't nothing." I heard Evan mumbled to Zoe.

"Well then." Said Mrs. Murphy.

"They don't really sound like friends..." Mumbled Mr. Murphy.

"It's been a while, I guess." I say, trying to rebuild the tone of the conversation.

"So Jared, how did you view Connor?" Mrs. Murphy asked, driving the subject away from Evan.

"He was an interesting kid." I said. "He had dark humor, but it always made us laugh, and that was the point of it. He showed us some books but kept claiming he didn't like them. Sometimes he'd start arguments," I laughed quietly, "a lot like the one Evan and I just had. In the end though, we'd all be crying and hugging each other."

An imagine of Connor, Evan, and I crying in a group hug almost made me sad that Connor was gone. Almost.

Evan nodded and smiled at me, and I couldn't help but smile back. He has a cute smile.

"Maybe arguing just makes Jared and I remember the past." He said.

I don't know what he meant by that at first, but then I remembered we're lying.

The oven timer beeped and Mrs. Murphy got the lasagna out. She put some on some plates and handed them to us.

I dug in. Mrs. Murphy was a freaking awesome cook.

"Jared can you recall a specific moment with Connor. And Evan, of course." Mrs. Murphy said.

I nodded. "It was during sophomore year, I think." I started, knowing the mess I was about to dig myself in to.

"The three or us went to Ellison Park together. My mom drove us there and we had a picnic lunch near the pond. I remember a duck coming by and almost tearing half of Evan's sandwich up."

I looked at Evan, and he smiled. He remembers it too. Of course, Connor wasn't really there, but it really did happen. My mom wanted so desperately for Evan and I to get closer again, like we were at the beginning of middle school. She thought that if we were alone in the park for a day, we'd suddenly be best friends again. It didn't work, obviously, but I loved it. It was great.

"Connor couldn't stop laughing when the duck fell over. The sandwich was too much for it." I paused and smiled, trying to recall the rest of the day. "We went hiking. I didn't want to, but Evan insisted. He's always been big on trees. We even went on the steep trail, which was a mistake, by the way. Connor tripped three times, and I barely made it without passing out. Evan was fine, though."

Lies. I actually tripped 8 tines, falling flat on my face. And I did faint. Only for a few seconds, but still.

I continued, "Once we got to the top, we sat there and watched over the highway, counting the oddly colored cars we saw. I still remember how many there were. 19."

Evan nodded. He still remembered too.

"We climbed back down and went straight to the kids' area. Connor begged to go back. He didn't want to be that one tall kid in the kids' area, but we went anyway. We built a boss sand castle! All the kids were trying to outdo it. They couldn't. I'm surprised we didn't walk home bearing a blue ribbon!"

I sighed, reminiscing. I wish I _di_ d start hanging out with Evan more, like my mom wanted me to.

"My mom drove Connor home and dropped me off at Evan's. She had a business meeting the next day, so she had to leave late. I slept over there."

I beamed, indicating the story's end.

After dinner, Evan and I waved goodbye before him walking back home.

Evan tried to mimic my teasing tone when he said, "They think we were lovers!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published 6/16/19


	10. •10•

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw ya bois we finally made it to a double digit number and we still haven't gotten to too much gay.  
> Sorry I like to write slowly to show character development.  
> Yes, I am nerd.  
> Ok enjoy

"Awwww! That's so adorable!" Alana said after Evan and I explained our picnic story to Alana at lunch. "Now I kinda wish I were there..."

A bolt of anxiety shot through me when she said that. That's basically what I said to Evan while we were writing emails oh-so long ago. Would Evan just tell Alana "oh yeah this is a lie wanna be connors friend?"

Evan just giggled. "Yeah, it was fun."

Ok, phew. I'm glad Evan isn't stupid.

We sat there for a second before Alana took out a stack of papers and said, "I talked to Mrs. Sawyer about the dance, and she said the best day would probably be close to Halloween-"

"A dress up party!" Evan and I said in union. I looked at him, smiling, and noticed his face was tinted pink just slightly.

Alana gave us disapproving looks before continuing, "Yes, I guess it would be a dress up party. I was thinking October 28th, since that's the Friday before Halloween."

"Why don't we just have it on Halloween?" I said, " Wouldn't that be easier? "

"For us, maybe. For others, no. Fridays are days people can stay up late and get drunk if need-be."

"No one here is 21." Evan said.

I laughed loudly, "As if that's gonna stop anyone."

Evan shrugged and Alana continued. "Anyway, that's about 4 weeks-"

"So basically a month. You can just say 'a month'" I interrupted. 

Alana ignored me, "so we should probably start preparing."

"Alana, Alana, Alana..." I said, shaking my head, "You literally just said that it's about a month from now. _A month_. Do we really need-"

This time it was Alana's turn to cut me off, " _Yes_ , Jared. If you want it to be the best dress up party ever, then yes. We'll need lots of decorations, snacks, and entertainment."

"Make sure they know it's for the Connor Project." Evan said quickly.

Alana nodded, "Yes, I'll put that on the posters."

I rolled my eyes subtlety, "I guess I'll put it on the website."

"About the website, Jared," Alana said, meeting my eyes, "You should tell our followers that you were one of Connor's friends, too. Don't put Evan in bad light though, he only made a minor mistake by forgetting to include you."

I crossed my arms, "Yeah, sure. Minor."

Alana nodded, "Well, see you guys whenever." She got up, picked up her tray, and walked over to her usual table, where her friends Jay, Kylie, an Vanessa were sitting.

And then it was just me and Evan again.

Evan was looking down at his lunch tray as he ate, trying to not meet my eye. I, on the other hand, do not care whether I'm awkwardly looking at Evan or not. I think he was having a bad hair day; some strands of hair looked fallen out of place or in his face. Or maybe he just didn't care enough to brush it anymore. It didn't matter to me. Either way, it was kinda cute.

If I was honest, (which I never am), I've always thought Evan was a little cute.

"Are you okay?" Evan said, and I realized I've been staring at him for over 30 seconds at this point. 

I nodded and returned to my food.

Yeah, I'm a little gay.

My parents know I'm gay. It was kinda obvious in fifth grade when I started dating Rich. He was funny. And short. Like me. It was a match made in heaven.

Well, at least what heaven was for a fifth grader. We broke up at the end of the year and decided to never speak of it ever again. We still were friends though, and would hang out from time to time. Freshman year, though, he moved to New Jersey.

In middle school, I had a huge celebrity crush on this actor who stared in one of my favorite movies. He was a lot like me, bad sense of humor, awkward smile. Not to mention, freaking adorable.

I had a secret relationship with Dustin at the beginning of freshman year. I started to realize that being gay wasn't really an option in high school. Obviously, since it was secret and all, we didn't hang out much and the relationship ended quickly.

I've never been much of the dating sort of guy. When people asked me about it, I boiled it down to "All of those girls are too clingy." Because it's not a lie.

I don't like Evan. Not like that. But that won't stop me from thinking he's cute.

"Are you _sure_?" He asked again, his face concerned. "You usually talk more."

I looked at him and said, "I'm _fine_." In a tone that probably came off a little ruder than intended.

"Uh ok I was gonna ask you something but it sounds like it's not the right time..." He said.

I waved my hand dismissively and said, "Go ahead. If now's not the time than it'll never be the time."

"Ok... I was wondering.... What do I do with Zoe?"

"Well, as for consent first-"

" _Jared!_ " Evan hissed. "You know what I mean."

"Yeah I do," I said, shrugging, "but it's more fun to joke than it is to be serious."

"Well duh." Evan said, laughing. I smiled.

"Do what you want, I guess. Break up with her if you wanna break up with her. Don't if you don't. Trust your inner voice." I said, trying to be more serious.

"My inner voice is a pile of jumbled screams."

"I guess you just scream at her then." I said shrugging.

I don't know what was so funny about that joke, but Evan bursted out laughing, I felt my stomach jerk. In a good way. With everything happening, with the Connor Project and Evan, I haven't actually heard Evan laugh like that in a long time.

And it made me feel like maybe all of this _wasn't_ just a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ew ok that was a weird chapter.  
> Next time it'll be more organized I promise.
> 
> Published: 6/21/19


	11. •11•

Apparently going to the Murphys for dinner is an every-other-night thing. It's only been two days and I'm back on the Murphy's front porch.

After school ended, Evan had to rush home to do some homework or something, so I was walking to the Murphys alone.

I walked up the porch stairs and knocked on the door. Because, let's be real, only salespeople really care enough to use the doorbell.

I stood there awkwardly. Usually Mrs. Murphy was fast to answer the door, from what Evan has told me. I tried knocking again, a little louder this time.

I tried looking through the windows to see if anyone was home. Of course they all had blinds down.

When I returned to the porch, I knocked again, hoping they'd hear me this time. Nothing. Suddenly I became aware of a sound from inside the house. Yelling. I tried pressing my ear to the door to get a better listen.

That didn't really help though.

Annnndd my patience weared off.

"BITCHES I'M HERE OPEN THE DOOR!"

The yelling inside came to an abrupt stop.

The door opened, revealing Mr. Murphy.

"Hello." He said, and I nodded.

"Is everything... er.. okay in there?" I asked.

I heard Mrs. Murphy yell, "It's fine!" From inside the house.

"Don't _li_ e to the child!" Mr. Murphy hissed. He turned back to me, "Come in, see for yourself."

I swallowed before walking in. Connor's dead! Why would anything be _ba_ d at the Murphy household? The only possible answer to that question that I could think of was the Evan was a dumbass and told them the truth.

That would be bad.

Like, really bad.

Like, "shit our whole lives are ruined" kinda bad.

Not to mention, that would just be _plain stupid_.

But I know a couple plain stupid people. Might as well add Evan to the list.

I walked into the living room to see the rest of the Murphy family. Evan was sitting in a chair across from Zoe, his head in his hands. Mrs. Murphy was on the couch, her coffee spilled across the table as she desperately tried to clean it up. Zoe was sitting criss-crossed in her chair, starting at her lap.

Mr. Murphy went to sit beside Mrs. Murphy, and, being the nerd I am, I sat on the floor.

"I'm sorry." I said, already knowing what was happening. There's no way Evan didn't tell them. Just look at their faces! We're about to be arrested!

Evan lifted his head out of his hands, looked at me, and spoke quickly and aggressively, "Jared it's not your fault, okay?"

Usually I'd probably retort, but everyone seemed upset. I didn't want to make it worse.

But I felt like I was supposed to say something. Maybe say "It was my idea." That would get the blame off Evan and he'd be spared. And, it's not a lie either, it kinda was my idea. Maybe I should say, "We deserve whatever you're going to do to us." And just be humble like that. Or maybe I should just run for it.

Running for it is something I'd do. But then what about Evan? He'd just be here to take all consciences? I can't do that.

"Where did I go wrong?" I heard Zoe mumble, and I was instantly confused.

"Nothing...?" I said, and then decided to use one of the tactics I thought of, "It was my idea, not yours."

Evan snapped his head up and me. His eyes were widened and he shook his head frantically.

"It was _your idea?"_ Zoe said, her voice irritated, " _Your. Idea?"_

"Uh..." I was, at this point, completely clueless of what was happening. Evan was shaking his head, trying to signal me to stop, but how do I just stop? I can't just not answer Zoe!

"What are you? Some gay fag?" Zoe yelled, and suddenly the conflict of this conversation hit me like a truck.

Evan didn't admit to our crimes, he broke up with Zoe.

And I basically just said it was my fault.

Oh shit, I'm a man stealer in Zoe's mind.

Ohhhh shit.

"Ohhh!" I said, laughing awkwardly, "No! That wasn't my idea! I thought you meant something else!"

" _What_ , Jared?" She whisper-yelled, standing up and walking closer to me, " _What_ did you think I meant?"

I looked up a Zoe, half of me nervous as hell and the other half of me slowly decaying.

I _could_ tell her the truth. But I'm not plain stupid. What excuse could I make?

"Nevermind." I said, "It _was_ my idea." Which wasn't completely a lie, either. Didn't _I_ tell Evan to go for it if he needed to?

"YOU-" Zoe said, running towards me. Evan leapt in front of me and grabbed her, keeping her from tackling me.

Once Evan pushed her back into her seat, she seemed to calm down. Only for a moment though before she put her head and her hands and started crying.

"I'm sorry-" I started before Evan cut me off.

"It was _no_ t Jared's idea." He said stiffly. His words were intended for Zoe, but he was looking at me. Directly in the eye. "He was being supportive. He wanted what was best for me. He told me to do what I thought needed to be done, and I thought breaking up needed to be done. He was only trying to help."

I stared at Evan. He stared back. Of course his stare wasn't confused, like mine was.

I didn't know what to say. He was defending me. He didn't want me to get hurt, just like I don't want him to get hurt.

Despite everything I've said and done to him, he still sees me as more than a "family friend".

I felt the urge to hug him, but couldn't. Not here, not right in front of Zoe.

The room was silent, apart from Zoe's quiet sobs. I felt just the slightest bit had for her.

"I think dinner should be cancelled tonight. Why not come back tomorrow?" Mrs. Murphy said sweetly, as she always does.

Evan and I both nodded in unison, before heading out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published: 6/22/19


	12. •12•

Evan and I walked down the sidewalk, looking at the ground with our hands in our pockets.

"Can we just... not speak?" Evan said, in almost a whisper. After what happened just a few minutes ago, I can understand why he wouldn't want to talk.

I laughed quietly, "Sure."

We walked in silence down the road. We got to my driveway, but I walked passed it, excepting that Evan would probably want to eventually talk to someone about what just happened. I knew that if Evan really wanted me to leave, he'd say something.

When we got to Evan's doorstep, he got out his keys and started fiddling with them, but his hands were shaky and sweaty. I took the keys out of his hands and unlocked the door for him.

He walked in, and went straight to his room, not even taking his coat off. I followed him, not bothering to take mine off either.

We walked into his bedroom and he just flopped face-first onto his pillow. I sat at the rolling chair at his desk, rolling it back and forth.

"I am such a dick." Evan said after a long silence. He flopped around so he was facing the ceiling and said, "I just broke up with her! _As she was telling me_ she wanting to get closer to me!"

I shrugged, "You were just doing what I told you to do. You would've been a dick to your own heart if you continued putting it through the heartache that was Zoe."

"See that's the thing!" He said rolling on his side so he was facing my direction, though not looking me in the eye, "She _didn't_ give me a heartache!"

Ok now Evan's just being plain confusing. "Elaborate."

He sighed. "I mean... she never hurt me. She was herself; kind, cute, and caring. I liked having her around..."

There was a brief moment of silence before I said, "Then... Then why did you break up with her?"

He rolled over, facing the ceiling again, and spoke quickly, "I don't know she just didn't feel right, Jared!"

I shrugged, and the room went silent for a long while

"Sometimes you just know when something isn't right. Sometimes you don't know _why_." He said, breaking the silence.

"Want to order pizza?" I said in response.

"Yeah..." He said admittedly.

I grabbed my phone and tried to dial the local pizza place's number.

"Hello, this is Great Clips-"

"Godamnit" I muttered, before hanging up. "

"What?" Evan asked.

"I called the freaking hair salon on accident."

Evan started laughing and I looked at him, smiling. Evan's laugh on a sad day is only the best way to lift my spirits. He didn't really laugh often, but when he did, it made me so happy.

I called again, making sure I had the number right.

"Hi, this is Pizza Plant-Palace-Hut, how may I help?" Said the worker, and I squinted. The voice sounded oddly familiar...

"Hi," I said, "Who is this?"

I heard a gasp and then a laugh on the other end of the line. " _Jared?"_ She asked, still laughing like a maniac.

"Alana do you seriously work at Pizza Planet-Palace-Hut?" I said. This wasn't really a good time to talk to Alana. We just needed pizza!

"Do you seriously order pizza from here?" Alana was still laughing, and it took her a while to get the whole sentence out without laughing inbetween.

Evan was looking at me with a curious look, and I just smirked and shook my head.

"Just get us a large pepperoni." I said bluntly.

" _Us?_ " Alana said, her voice a mix of curiously and teasing, "You have a date?"

" _No_." I hissed at Alana. "What happened to you, you're usually like super serious!"

I really shouldn't have asked a question cause now I was gonna be on the phone for ages.

"Well, no one's here, which means I have nother better to do. Now who's the special someone?"

" _It's not a date_. " I said, and Evan started frantically giggling nervously, recognizing what was happening.

"Don't you have a job to do?" I said hastily, "Gimme a large pepperoni."

"Fine." She mumbled, and I heard her write something down, "To what address?"

I told her Evan's address and she abruptly stopped writing. I could basically hear the smirk in her voice when she said, "That's Evan's house."

"Yeah, thanks, I know." I said, "Just get the pizza here." And with that I hung up.

Evan giggled nervously.

Ok remember when I said that Evan's laughs made my day? Well, his giggles aren't that bad either.

"I wanted Hawaiian..." He said.

"What the hell!" I yelled, throwing a marker that was on his desk at him, "Who eats pineapples on pizza!" I laughed.

He laughed, too, "Well, me, obviously!" He said, throwing a pillow from his bed at me. I caught it and threw it back at him.

He exchanged the small pillow out for a larger square pillow and threw it back at me. This one wasn't in my catching range, (since I'm an absolute shorty), so I had to duck out of the computer chair onto the floor.

I stood up to try to get the pillow back, but Evan threw another pillow at me before I got a chance too. It hit my chest before falling to the floor. I picked it up and jumped on Evan's bed, slamming him repetitively with the pillow.

Both him and I were laughing like maniacs at this point.

At one point Evan grabbed the pillow I was attacking him with and pushed my onto the floor. I ran to his desk, and grabbed the pillow from earlier. I ran and kneeled in front of him, his shins in between my legs.

(Yes, I know I could comment about how kinky this position is, but it's not really the time, now is it? Just let me have my fun.)

I hit his face with my pillow and he my hips with his. I grabbed the pillow he was using out of his hands and hit his face with _two pillows._

I was so OP.

"Jared!" Evan yelled, still laughing between words, "This isn't fair!"

"You know what else isn't fair, Evan? _Pineapple on pizza!"_ I hit him with both pillows at one and he laughed loudly.

I saw his face light up with an idea and he started punching my knees, trying to get me to lose my balance.

"You fool!" I said jokingly, "Jared Kleinman is the best at balen-"

I felt my knees slip from under me. I was falling forward. I put my hands out to try to catch myself, but instead of grabbing on to the bed, I grabbed on to Evan's shoulders.

Our faces were inches apart.

I think time stopped because I'm pretty sure I was the only one of us breathing.

Whether it was out of shock or out of spite, I couldn't move.

My face was so close to his I felt like I could see every shade of blue in his eyes. His eyes that were looking at me. Directly in the eye.

I could easily kiss him.

But I don't like Evan.

Not like that.

Not... yet?

We stayed there, still.

Could time just resume already so I can say "No Homo" ?

Indigo... sky blue... a little bit of green... turquoise...

I felt like there was a force on my head driving me to move forward.

Because there was.

Wait, what?

I snapped back to reality, and Evan's hands pulled my head toward his, colliding our lips.

I didn't know what to do.

Evan was kissing me.

I didn't know what to think.

Evan was kissing me, not even an hour after breaking up with Zoe.

I didn't know how to react.

Evan was kissing me, and I was kissing back.

_I was kissing back?!_

I _wa_ s kissing back.

Isn't it amazing how your body can do things without your consent?

I was kissing back.

But I'm not supposed to like Evan.

Not like that.

I pulled away. Evan was smiling his small smile, his entire face fleshed pink. I didn't know he was capable of blushing so much.

"You just kissed me." I said.

" Y-yeah... " He responded nervously, "I'm sor-"

And then there was a knock on the door.

"I'll get it." I mumbled before going downstairs to greet the pizza man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published: 6/23/19


	13. i

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~ ~ its from Connor's perspective oooo ~ ~

Evan's my best friend apparently.

Oh goody.

This whole "Connor Project" thing has been happening for a while now. I don't know how to feel about it.

I don't really feel anything anymore.

I gotta say, being dead is a little boring. The most fun I've had has been watching my family believe all this bullshit Evan's making up.

When he first came over, he seemed like he didn't really want to lie.

Ha, guess he didn't get what he wanted.

I was trying so hard not to burst out laughing as Evan explained our totally real orchard visit. He really did make it sound like we were gay lovers. I could see in my parents faces that they kinda thought that too, which pissed me off and amused me at the same time.

Then on the sidelines, Evan and Jared are writing shit emails. Like, extremely shitty. They don't sound like me at all. Which just makes it more hilarious to see my family believe it. My family is hella stupid.

Zoe's really the only one who was skeptical. But she was skeptical of the wrong things. She thought Evan was the dude offering me pot.

Basically this entire thing is playing out like a reality TV show.

And it's fucking hilarious.

It's not like the Connor Project is the only thing I've been watching. I've been watching over old teachers, old friends, complete strangers.... _him_.

It's not healthy for me to think about him though.

On this particular night, I found myself drifting to the Hansen household. Usually it's not a coincidence decision when I run in to Evan, but tonight just felt like one of _those nights_ , yknow?

I saw a pizza man outside the door, waiting impatiently. I had a sneaking suspicion that he's been there for about 2 minutes and 34 seconds, waiting for someone to to get the pizza from him.

I closed my eyes and opened them again, my perspective changing from mine to his. I was seeing what he was seeing. It wasn't necessarily _possessing_ him, but I could see out of his eyes. Ghosting 101.

Finally the door opened, but Evan wasn't the one standing there, Jared was. He looked pissed.

"Pepperoni, right?" He asked the pizza man. "No... pineapple?"

Yeah, he was definitely pissed.

The pizza man nodded and Jared handed him a 20. He took it and gave Jared his pizza. He nodded slightly and said, "Tip?"

Jared looked up at him and fetched two dollars out of his wallet. "Today's your lucky day." He said. His cocky words weren't reflected in his tone, which was bitter. He definitely had something on his mind.

And I had a sneaking suspicion that it had something to do with Evan and pillows.

Jared thanked the pizza man and closed the door. I blinked and my perspective shifted back to myself.

Now, I'm not really the curious type, but being a ghost and all, it's just kinda fun to burst in to other people's business.

I saw Jared walk up the steps to Evan's room, taking out his phone. As he walked in to Evan's room, he put the phone to his ear (even though it wasn't even turned on), and said, "Urg, fine. Bye, mom."

He was faking a call.

Jared put the pizza box down on the edge of Evan's bed. He opened it and took a piece and put it on a plate before looking at Evan and saying, "I'll take this to go. My mom wants me home now."

"Wha- why?" Evan said, and I couldn't help but feel a little bad for the kid. I had a feeling that he wanted to talk to Jared about something. _Something_.

"I don't know! She just does!" Jared yelled at Evan, before taking a breath and whispering, "See you tomorrow."

Something was happening between them. Something pretty big.

And I had a sneaking suspension that it had to do with little queer Evan here, and Jared. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published: 6/30/19


	14. •13•

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i know the numbering gets screwed up because of Connor's chapters I'm sorry.
> 
> -
> 
> We all know Jared's a kinky boy, right? And that he's gay?  
> He also falls asleep in this chapter.  
> [Basically what I'm trying to say is that this gets pretty spicy but it's not like smut or anything so just buckle up]  
> Another warning: this is probably a filler chapter oops

I walked in to my house and slammed the door.

What. The. Hell.

I didn't even know what to think at this point.

I just ran home from Evan's, trying to keep it cool, while inside I'm boiling.

I'm not really exactly sure why I'm angry. Maybe because I didn't see it coming. Should I have seen it coming?

There's so many things wrong with what just happened.

Evan's straight, for one. At least that's always what he's told me. He never mentioned guys being cute or having any attraction to them, so I've kinda always assumed that. I'd think, being his only friend and all, if he was queer, he'd tell me.

Then again, I'm kinda an asshole to him most of the time. Why do I expect him to tell me things?

Maybe that's why I'm angry. I've been an asshole to him our entire lives. Why would he like me?

I trudged up to my room and sat on my bed, taking off my shoes.

He just broke up with Zoe. Like two hours ago. Is it normal to kiss someone two hours after breaking up with a girl you've crushed on since sophomore year? I don't think so.

This doesn't seemed to be aligned correctly.

I took out my phone, turning it on. Surprise, I already had 4 texts from you-know-who.

**Jared are you okay**   
**Jared please.**   
**I'm sorry, okay?**   
**I don't know what happened.**

Oh really, Evan? You don't know what happened? You don't know that we were pillow fighting over pizza? You don't know that you cause me to fall on top of you, my face right above yours? You don't know that you kissed me?

You don't know that I kissed back?

Why _di_ d I kiss back? Another reason why all of this seems like a dream. No, a nightmare. I don't think of Evan like that. Sure, my mind has wondered into danger zones when it comes to boys, but doesn't everyones'? I've had a few thoughts recently about Evan and I walking through a forest. But those were just thoughts! I've never actually thought of Evan like that.

Not really.

I rolled over and my sight got caught on a book on my bookshelf.

My old journal.

Why isn't that in the trash?

I hated my past self.

I threw it across the room. I didn't need my past self to remind me that I'm a moron.

Before I could think better of it, I took out my phone and responded to Evan.

**Dude, Chill out.**   
**It's fine.**   
**We're good.**   
**My mom legitimately just needed me home for dinner.**

That was a lie, but still. I didn't want Evan all over me trying to apologize.

I decided I should probably just sleep. Sleeping helps me calm down. 

I silenced my phone so I wouldn't hear Evan responding and put it on my nightstand. I didn't even bother to take off my jacket or turn off the lights before falling asleep.

_I_ _was at school. I walked up to my locker, and talked to Evan. I couldn't hear what we were saying, but we were talking._

_He grabbed my arm and dragged me out of school, dropping my backpack on the sidewalk, before taking his off too. "School's for the weak." He says with a smile._

_He shoved me into my car and told me to drive wherever my heart takes me. "If you want to brake, brake. If you want to go, go."_

_And that's what I did. We ended up in Ellison Park. I got a picnic basket out of the trunk, even though I don't remember packing anything._

_We sat at a table beside the pond._

_I wasn't hungry. I was devastated. Why? I don't know. I pushed the basket to him and he gobbled it up._

_"You rather not be here." Evan said, reading my mind. I nodded sheepishly. He took my hand and walked me to his car. He drove me home, and I fell asleep on the car ride._

_When I woke up, I was in his arms. It was comfortable. "Oh_ _shit_ _you're awake." He mumbled before starting to put me down._

_Before he could, though, I grabbed on to the hem of his shirt and kissed him, as if_ _nonverbally_ _telling him to not let me go._

_He sighed and put my down on his bed._

_"Wanna do something gay?" I asked._

_He looked at me, his face flushed, before rubbing the back of his neck and saying, "As if we haven't done enough of that."_

_I pulled him forward, so he was on the bed with me._

_"Jared..." He whispered. He sounded scared, but just the fact that he said my name turned me on._

_Consent, Jared, jeez._

_As if reading my mind, he gave me a watery smile and nodded. "Consent granted."_

I woke up sweating.

Why was I sweating?

I looked around my room. The lights were off. That's weird, I don't remember turning off my lights.

I felt disgusted, though I wasn't sure why. 

I looked on my nightstand and saw my phone and a little notepad. That notepad was a notepad I used to record my dreams. My mom told me when I was in like 6th grade that recording the bits and pieces of dreams I remembered would help me remember more dreams in the future.

But I couldn't remember any bit or piece of whatever dream I just had.

I was sweating, though, so it must of been a nightmare.

Then my mind caught up with me, and I remembered everything that happened before I fell asleep. Zoe, Evan, the _pillow fight_.

Oh goody-god-dog, what a fun day.

I heard a doorbell and I immediately closed my eyes again, pretending to be asleep. There was no way that _wasn't_ Evan. Of course he'd come over after potentially screwing up his friendship.

I heard the bedroom door open, and my mom say, "I think he's asleep."

Evan laughed nervously.

I heard the door shut.

The weight of my bed shifted to the corner. Evan was sitting on the corner of my bed.

"Jared..." He whispered. He sounded scared. "Jared I really am sorry. I don't know what came over me. Bisexuality, I guess."

I tried so hard not to smirk. He thought I was asleep, he didn't know I was listening.

"But," he giggled, " I don't know why I'd ever want to kiss someone who doesn't put pineapples on their pizza. "

I rolled over subtly. Like a normal sleeping person would. I knew there was a pillow at my feet and that it probably hit Evan when I rolled over.

"But... yeah." He said. "I don't want this to ruin our friendship. I really don't. You're like the only friend I have and my bisexuality was just screaming ' _ahhh hot boi you must kiss the hot boi'_ "

I was trying so freaking hard not to laugh. I was "asleep".

Evan laughed nervously. "Yeah so um. Can you respond now? I've been your friend for 12 years, Jared, I can tell when you're asleep and when you're faking it."

Oh shoot.

"What." I mumbled, sitting up. Evan stared at me for a second, and I realized my hair was probably a mess.

"Oh god, you were sleeping, weren't you?" He said after staring at my hair for 57 seconds. Timed and everything.

I nodded and flopped back on my pillow, hoping Evan would leave my room.

A few seconds later, the weight on the end of the bed was lifted. I heard footsteps, and then a door close.

Evan was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published 7/3/19


	15. •14•

I woke up with my room pitch black.

I looked over to the window and saw it was pitch black outside too. I grabbed my phone and flipped it on to check the time. _1:36._ Great.

This is why I shouldn't fall asleep at 7.

Tomorrow was a Wednesday, or should I say today? I had school to go to in just a few hours. I probably should be well-rested.

But I wasn't tired. I really wasn't. I got like 7 hours of sleep. I didn't want to oversleep either.

This last week has been one hell of a ride. If I knew any better, I shouldn't have made the joke about joining The Connor Friendship™. I should've just wrote Evan's emails as he told me to and I wouldn't be in this state.

I sat up in my bed, going over the events that happened since I decided to be Connor's best friend.

Evan fainting, Klein the bonsai tree, dinner at the Murphys, yesterday...

Oh shit, Evan is definitely gay for me.

He made it so obvious too! Am I really just that oblivious?

 _He kissed you yesterday, Kleinman. No_ _shit_ _he likes you_.

I groaned, rolling over and slamming my face onto my pillow. Evan likes me. What am I supposed to do about that?!

I can't just be like, "ok so Evan I'm gay but we're just friends." I'm not a cold-hearted person! Ok, that's kind of a lie. But _still_.

Texting! Texting is the easiest solution to any awkward encounter! You don't have to look them in the eye and you don't have to worry about typos! Perfect!

**So um**

"So um." Great going, self. Who starts a sentence with _so um_?!

I started to text the next line, but my phone vibrated before I got a chance to.

**Why are you up at 1 am?**

I stared at my phone for a second in disbelief. If Evan replied that fast, he must've been awake, too, right?

**I could ask the same to to you.**

**Ok can't argue wuth that.**  
**I just couldn't sleep tonight.**  
**Ok now you're turn.**

**I kinda went to sleep at 7, remember?**  
**You were there?**

**And?**

**7 hours of sleep is enough for me I guess.**

There was no response for a moment, and I started to wonder if Evan had fallen asleep on me. Just as I was about to give up and put my phone away, I got another message.

**Can I come over?**

Of course Evan wants to come over again! Didn't he like just come over a few hours ago? He gave this whole heartwarming speech about bisexuality? Does he not remember?

And he still kissed me! He's trying to make it seem like that never happened. But I remember, Evan. I remember. 

**Dude it's one in the morning.**

**I'm aware.**  
**My mom just got home**  
**She says I should go to sleep**

**And I agree with her**

**And if going to your house helped me go to sleep**  
**Then so be it.**

**You realize how gay that sounds?**  
**Either way,** _**m** _ **y mom is sleeping**  
**I feel like she wouldn't appreciate if you came over.**

**Please?**

**Really?**  
**Bringing out the puppy-eyes on me?**

**Please Jared.**

Stupid family-friend. Since we've known each other for 12 years, he kinda knows all my weaknesses. One of those weaknesses is the look of my own name. 

**Fine.**

And now I officially hate myself. Good going, Jared. It's as if I can't stand going a day without Evan or something! It seems that my whole story is based off Evan! Jesus Christ.

I walked downstairs quietly as to not disturb my mom. I waited outside and sat on the doorstep, waiting for Evan, so he wouldn't knock or ring the doorbell.

"Jared?" I hear someone whisper yell from a couple feet down the sidewalk. "Why are you up this early?"

Why is Alana everywhere all the time?

"I could say the same to you." I said, recycling the retort I used with Evan just 2 minutes ago.

Alana's face lost color for a second and she rubbed her neck, "Just... eh... trying to get away I guess?"

Concerned flashed through me. Which is really weird, I'm not supposed to be concerned for Alana.

She looked across the road. "Is that _Evan_? Is today like get-up-early day or something? Did I miss the memo?" She laughed nervously and sat beside me on my doorstep.

"Is that Alana?" Evan yelled from across the street. "Is today like go-to-sleep-late day or something? Did I miss the memo?"

Alana and I blurted out laughing.

Evan sat next to Alana on the doorstep and she asked, "Why are you up so early?"

"Urg just couldn't sleep." Evan said, rubbing his eyes. He turned to Alana, " What about you? "

Alana sighed and looked at her lap, "Just needed some fresh air."

Ok, something was definitely up with her. I didn't want to press, though.

Evan, on the other hand; "If you ever want to talk about it, you can." He said.

Alana nodded, before standing up, "Well i should probably head out, it's kinda cold and-"

"Wait!" Evan said, before looking at me apologetically, "You can stay here for a while if you want. He's got heating!

I made a mental note to get Evan back for that one.

Alana smiled, "Sure." She said, "Lead the way, Jared."

I don't believe I'm about to lead a bisexual boi who just kissed me and a female into my bedroom.

I lead them to my bedroom and closed the door quietly, "Ok," I started, "My parents are asleep so _please don't make noise."_ I whispered.

"Done and done!" Alana said. At full volume. I face-palmed.

" _Alana_!" I hissed.

"Oops, sorry!" She whispered.

Her and Evan sat on my bed and I sat at my computer desk. It was covered with papers that I haven't turned in for school, but luckily I wouldn't be needing to actually use the desk right now.

"No you're part of the group, too." Alana said, and I looked up , confused. She patted the space on the bed beside her and I understood. I reluctantly stood up and sat beside her and Evan, squeezed between to two.

There was a long pause.

"I'm sorry." Both Evan and Alana said at the same time. 

I turned to Alana and saw she was staring at Evan, confused. Evan was staring at Alana with the sane facial expression.

And yet, without words, I knew what both of them were apologizing for.

Evan was, of course, apologizing for the kiss, while Alana was apologizing for dragging herself into my house.

I laughed quietly, "Guys it's fine. Just..."

I flipped my phone out and got Netflix up. I plugged in some earbuds, handing them to Evan, and connected some bluetooth headphones for me to use.

"What about me?" Alana said.

"Have you not used Netflix before?" I asked teasingly, "You and Evan have to share."

"That's so weird." She said, shaking her head but taking a bud from Evan.

"Incredibles 2!" Evan whispered excitedly, looking at the options scroll across thex screen.

"That's a baby movie!" I retorted.

"Come on Jared! I kinda wanna see it too!" Alana argued.

I groaned, "Fine." I tapped the move and propped the phone up between two pillows.

The second the movie started, I've fallen back asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published 7/4/19


	16. •15•

I woke up with heavy weight on both of my shoulders and padding on my ears.

Sun was blazing through my window's curtains. It was brighter than usual. Like, really bright.

I shifted my focus to my shoulders. Evan leaning on my right and Alana on my left.

_What a great way to start the day._

I looked at my phone and saw the time.

_9:21._

"Fuck!" I whispered.

I shrugged my shoulders a couple times to try to shake Alana and Evan awake. All they did was stir a little. Evan slid down a little so his head was on my hips.

"Guys. We have go to school!" I whispered loudly.

"But Jared..." Evan whimpered, still half-asleep. He grabbed onto the hem of my shirt and tried to climb back up to my shoulder. I couldn't help but blush.

"Guys get off!" I said, a little louder this time.

Man, these people were heavy sleepers.

I took off my headphones and wonked Alana with them. "OW!" She said, immediately sitting up. "The frick, Jared!"

She looked around, as if trying to remember where she was.

"I'm sorry! It's 9 freaking 30! We're supposed to be in second period!" I said.

Alana jumped off the bed. "Oh shit you're right!" She took the ear bud out of her ear and tossed it at me.

Evan stirred a little bit, before giving in and falling onto my lap.

"Can you help me with this mess?" I asked, pointing at Evan.I

Alana just laughed, "Nah, you're on your own. I gotta get to Calculus." She said before grabbing her phone, waving, and zwooping out the door.

"Wow, thanks." I mumbled sarcastically, before wonking Evan on the head like I did for Alana. He didn't even move.

"Evan, you freaking freak." I said, trying to shake him awake.

"Ok so we're doing this the hard way..." I tried to push Evan off me slowly, but he grabbed on to my shirt.

"Son of a-" I mumbled. "Evan you to wake up!" I said, my tone raised a little.

I sighed, checked the time to make sure my parents weren't home, and yelled, "EVAN GET THE FUCK UP!"

He rolled a complete 360 on my lap and said, "I'm up, I'm... up..."

"Your eyes are still closed." I said, looking down at him.

He opened his eyes slowly, his eyes meeting mine. I smiled at him and he flushed pink, before quickly sitting up and looking around.

"It looks like it's ten in the morning or something." He mumbled.

"It is." I said, "Now get your ass out of bed, we need to get to school!" I grabbed his wrist and literally pulled him off the bed.

It was just then I noticed he was in pajamas.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me." I said, "You wore pjs to my house!?"

He put his hands up in defence, "I was _tired_!"

I grumbled and went to my dresser, throwing him a random t-shirt, a button-up, and jeans.

"Do I really need the button-up?" He asked, " That's more of a _yo_ u thing. "

"Just wear the fucking clothes." I said, and he ran to the bathroom.

I grabbed a grey shirt, a red-and-gray button up, and some jeans before changing right there in my bedroom.

Right as I zipped up the jeans, Evan walked in, changed.

I couldn't help but burst out laughing.

"What? What's so funny?" He asked.

He was right, the button-up was way more of a _me_ thing, and it looked ridiculous on Evan. Not to mention, for once he wasn't wearing a polo. But I couldn't change his top, so I threw him some khaki shorts and said, "Wear these, they're much more your style".

He frowned and took the shorts, running back to the bathroom.

He came back in, still looking like a monkey. But eh, it was more bearable.

I grabbed my backpack, and walked down to the door with Evan. We grabbed our jackets and headed out.

"What about _m_ y backpack?" He said, "It's back at home."

I sighed, "Next time you come to my house on a school night, bring it." I motioned for him to get in my SUV.

We drove to his house in silence. I waited as he went in and got his backpack.

I turned on the radio and turned it off immediately after I heard the words "Old town road."

"Hey I like that song!" Evan said, and I jumped, not even noticing he was back.

"Ah well too bad." I said, driving us to school.

We got to school and the first thing I noticed was the students moving around.

"Yes!" I whispered .

"What?"

"2nd just ended, which means we can make it to third without checking in as tardy!" I explained excitedly.

"But then won't they think we skipped?" Evan asked, and I shrugged.

"I mean technically we did so..."

Evan's face went white, and I took that as I sign that he's never skipped before.

"Dude it's fine." I said, "No one really cares, anyway."

He gave me a small (and obviously fake) smile and we continued walking to 3rd.

We walked in to our English and Alana, who's also in that class with us, ran up to us.

"Oh you guys made it! Grea-" she stopped mid sentence and her eyes traveled to my head. Evan bursted out laughing.

I realized I didn't brush my hair this morning.

And Evan went to the bathroom, so, chances are, he brushed his.

"How bad is it?" I mumbled.

Alana stifled a laugh, "Pretty damn bad."

I growled and took my seat.

"You could've told me." I mumbled to Evan.

"I didn't actually think much of it until just now..." He mumbled back, obviously trying not to laugh.

I glared at him for a second, before giving in and smiling.

_What a great way to start the day._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published 7/4/19


	17. •16•

I've kinda been trying to stay out of Evan's way.

After what happened yesterday, and this morning, and last night.

At this point there's no doubt in my mind that Evan likes me. Like that.

But I didn't. Not like that. Family friends.

Heck, I don't even like Evan enough to call him a friend!

And even though there was no way Evan _didn't_ like me like that, I still wanted confirmation. Because even though he made it extremely obvious, I'm still Jared Kleinman, and I'm still an absolute moron.

Once the last school bell rang, I walked up to my lockers to put my stuff away. My plan was to meet Evan outside of school, and try to get the truth out of him. Like in all of those crime stopping shows. I'd sit him down, ask "Where's the body?" and then pressure him into telling me the truth and only the truth.

Turned out Evan had different plans, though.

When I approached my locker, I saw that Evan was already beside my locker, waiting. For me.

He didn't notice me until I was in the process of opening my locker. I was trying my best to ignore him as I punched in the combination.

"Oh uh, hey... Jared." He said nervously, backing up a little to give us some space. "So-"

"Confess." I butted in, still focused on my locker and not Evan.

"W-what?" He stuttered.

"Confess." I repeated, then turning to face him. "Come on. Don't act like you don't know. You kissed me yesterday and you're trying to pretend it never happened. And maybe it didn't! But I know you didn't do it just because your bisexuality was screaming ' _ooh hot boi you must kiss hot boi'_! Because we both know that's not entirely true! You like me, Evan. Like, like like me. And I need you to confess to it."

I took a breath, trying to regain the air I'd lost by rushing through that monologue.

What _was_ that? That was definitely not what I had planned. But I said it. I said it and I said a lot more than what needed to be said. But I guess I said what my heart thought I should say. That's cliche though.

Evan stared at me for a second, dumbfounded. What did he not understand? I literally explained it all.

His eyes glossed over a little bit and I felt my heart drop. _I'm gonna make him cry._

Please don't cry, Evan. If you cry, I'm gonna cry, and I'm such an ugly crier.

My heart started pounding. I don't know wether it was because of Evan almost-maybe crying, or because I had absolutely no idea how he was going to respond.

We stood there for a moment, still rocks in a river of rushing kids. Evan looking at me, his mouth ajar and his eyes wide. Me looking at him, with probably a similar facial expression.

"Jared, I-" He started, averting his eyes and focusing on anything that wasn't my face. He swallowed and shifted his focus back to me. "I- I don't like you-" he started.

I was ready to bolt out, "Oh yeah? Then how can you explain-"

"I _lov_ e you, Jared!" He shouted angrily. Was it anger? It was definitely loud.

The only people who seemed to hear, though, were Dustin and a group of his friends, who were staring. He gave me a wink before they walked off. Hey, I used to date him.

I turned my focus back on Evan, who still wasn't crying, which is good. He took a step forward and I tried to step back, but then remembered there was a locker behind me.

"I _lov_ e you, Jared." He said again, much quieter this time. "I have for a long time now. Since Sophomore year. We barely hung out, though. We- we barely hung out..." He. paused for a moment, before continuing, his tone resumed it's maybe-angry tone. "Don't ask me why! Because I don't know! You're just really cute and funny and smart and you're not awkward like me! But I didn't ever think you'd feel the same way because... well... you're Jared Kleinman!"

"I didn't even know if you were single!" Evan continued. "We never hung out, so how was I supposed to talk to you?! How was I supposed to say anything?! So yeah, I love you Jared! Have a nice dAy." His voice cracked on the word _day_.

He nodded to me, and ran off.

I saw tears rolling down his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it bad I'm crying about my own fanfiction?  
> Published 7/9/19


	18. ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter from Connor's POV

He ran.

He ran and ran and ran.

Miles on end, he just ran.

He's obviously more fit than I was. I would've ran out of breath. Not Evan, though. He kept running.

And I had a pretty good idea as to where.

He slowed down as he approached the open gate, pausing only for a moment to look up the the sign. _The sign._ The sign that he created just that summer.

He threw down his backpack angrily, and I heard something break.

"Nothing important, anyway." I heard him mumble.

And he continued running.

He left his backpack on the paved sidewalk.

He slowed down after a couple of seconds, panting. He straightened his back and continued walking, not stopping for anything.

He looked like your average tree-obsessed teenager.

I had a sneaking suspension that he wasn't here only for the trees.

My sneaking suspension was right.

He slowed to a stop at a 42 foot tall tree.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**

I didn't need to look over his shoulder to see what he was typing on his phone. Ghosts are cool, they can hear basically anything they want to. Including what he's typing.

**Once again, a day.**

Thanks, Captain Obvious.

**I don't need to go in to detail, right? The person this is** _**reall** _ **y addressed to will know the details.**

I can't read people's minds.

But I had a sneaking suspension he was addressing his letter not to himself, but to Jared.

And I had a sneaking suspension that this wasn't gonna end well.

**Maybe it's not anyone's fault. Sometimes, out of no where, you just feel like you're not needed, really.**

Definitely wasn't gonna end well.

**But hey, hey. It's fine. It really is. I'm not gonna die tonight, not really. Because if you really love something, you let go. You don't fall, you let go.**

**Sincerely,**   
**(Do I even have to say it?)**   
**Me.**

_Definitely_ was not gonna end well.

Evan is some edgy teenager, though, if he wants to let go for the small reason on Jared rejecting him.

But Jared didn't reject him.

Of course, Evan didn't know this. He's like a light. He's either shinning or dying, there's really no in between.

Unless of course he was one of those weird fading lights that fade off and on.

He's not one of those lights tho.

Evan left his phone on a bench beside the tree, and started climbing.

He got a couple scratches.

He got to the second topmost branch and sat down, taking in the view.

"Welcome back, Evan." He mumbled to himself before looking down.

_Definitely_ was _no_ t gonna end well.

_"Hey. Don't do it. Please."_ I said, gliding in front of him.

"Oh great!" He said sarcastically, "You again! The weird-ass voice that convinces me to do bad things. Like the Connor Project! What a bad thing!"

"And now your convincing me to live! Another bad thing!"

I chuckled. " _You're so fragile. One wrong step and now you're just leaving?_ "

His eyes glossed over a little as he spoke, "Oh boy! It's not like I have a mom who doesn't care enough to stay home! It's not like I only have friends because of _a huge lie_! It's not like my oNly friend dOesn't-"

He voice cracked on the word _only_ and _doesn't_.

And he wouldn't continue talking.

_"Hey. I've done it. I know for a fact that it won't favor you."_ I said.

"Says the weird-ass voice that convinces me to do bad things!" He stood up quick and swung his hands over the branch above him.

" _Evan, please! It's not worth-"_

"SHUT UP!" He yelled.

And then he let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published 7/17/19


	19. •17•

Evan and I had planned to go to the Murphys today for supper to make up for what happened yesterday. Part of me was wondering if Evan would even go, yknow, after that whole balooza that just happened. And the whole balooza that's been happening since yesterday.

I didn't mean to hurt Evan's feelings. If anything, I was trying _no_ t to. But the boy's fragile. Like a light bulb, kinda. He's either shimmering or dull. There's no in between.

But Evan's not a sour puss. He keeps his promises. He promised Mrs. Murphy he'd come to dinner unless there was a good reason.

And I'm sure as hell that a little fight isn't a "good reason".

Besides, it's not like it was really a fight. I didn't yell at him, he yelled at me! I didn't say anything like "haha gaiiiii". He shouldn't be mad!

I was just trying to help him come to terms with himself.

Evan told me during school today that he'd get to the Murphy's a little earlier, to try to patch things up with Zoe and such.

So I was on the Murphy's porch, alone.

I knocked, and almost a split second later, the door was opened by Mrs. Murphy.

"Oh thank goodness you're here!" She said as she opened the door. She looked at me, smiling, before her gaze shifted onwards, her smile dropping.

"Evan isn't with you... Is he?" Zoe said from inside the room, her voice filled with concern.

"No..? He wasn't supposed to be, remember? He was coming early..?" I said, confused. Evan doesn't break promises.

Mrs. Murphy and Zoe exchanged worried glances before she shook her head. 

"He's not here... Is he?" I said, disappointingly.

"Come inside, though." Mrs. Murphy said, stepping back so I could come in.

She walked over to the couch where Mr. Murphy was also seated.

Everyone was in the same place they were yesterday. Which meant the chair Evan sat in was empty.

I sat on the floor, regardless.

"Can you call him? Please?" Zoe said, desperate.

I huffed, "Why can't you?" I really didn't feel like having to face an angry/sad Evan just an hour after what happened.

"He broke up with me for a reason..." She said quietly. I felt a little bad. I still wasn't 100% sure exactly _wh_ y Evan broke up witb Zoe, but it probably had to do with me.

Besides, the Murphys don't know what just happened between me and Evan.

I sighed and took my phone out of my pocket, clicking on Evan's contact.

"You want it on speaker, right?" I said bluntly as the phone dialed. Everyone nodded in sync.

I put the phone on speaker and continued to let it ring.

"Hi." Said Evan from the other end.

"Evan!" Mrs. Murphy and Zoe shouted at once.

"Sorry I couldn't reach you right now, probably doing some dumb shit for my mom. Leave a message and try calling back later or something. Love you all." He added a quick, "No homo" at the end before the phone beeped, indicating that we should leave a message.

I looked around. Everyone's face dropped, including my own. Of course, Evan has ignored my calls before, so I knew that that was his answering machine, but it still disappointed me that he didn't pick up.

"Don't bother." Mr. Murphy said, regarding leaving a voicemail.

"No, Ima leave one." I said, slightly irritated.

"Evan, look. We're sorry. Zoe's sorry for flipping out yesterday, and I'm sorry for flipping out today. I'm here at the Murphy's, and they're sincerely worried about you. So get your ass over here please. We can talk about this later." I said before hanging up, and sending the voicemail.

"You flipped out on him today?" Zoe said curiously.

"Good fences make good neighbors." I mumbled, not really wanting to go into  
specifics with the Murphys.

Zoe sighed, and I could tell that she wanted to press for more, but she was restraining herself, and I was happy for that.

We sat there in silence, praying that Evan would call back sooner rather than later.

I started playing with my shoelaces. Evan definitely wasn't here because of me and only me. It's not Zoe's fault. If it was, then Evan would never plan to come back.

I shouldn't have been so harsh on him. I should've been softer or chosen my words better. I should've waited until we were out of school or securely alone so he wouldn't get embarrassed by other people being around. I should've-

My phone rang.

I shot up and answered it without even checking the ID.

"Evan! Thank goodness I was starting to worry-"

"I'm not Evan." Said the voice on the other end of the phone. A voice that was _very femal_ e .

"Check the caller ID next time." Alana said.

I flopped on the floor, giving up hope. "You always pop up at the most inconvenient times!" I said.

"Well _excus_ e me." She said before giggling. "You're never getting rid of me, Jared."

"Just... Tell my why you're calling."

"Remember that pick-your-partner lab we're doing tomorrow in science. Well- oh sorry Evan-" she said before mumbling, "Jeez he's in a hurry.- Anyway! We should-"

"Wait Evan's there?" I said quickly, cutting her off. "Where are you?"

"Jeez, first you say I'm inconvenient and now you're trying to stalk me?" Alana said teasingly.

"I'm at the Murphy's." I said bluntly, "Evan was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago."

"OOOH!" She said, realization setting in. "I'd presume he's on his way now, then." She said before adding a quick, " Though my house isn't really on the path to the Murphys. "

"You're at your house! Ok, thanks, bye!" I said before hanging up and turning to the Murphys.

"Is he-" Mr. Murphy said before I cut him off.

"He passed Alana's just now. He's in a hurry, but he's heading the opposite direction. I'll go find him and tell him to _pick up the damn phone_." I said.

Zoe smiled, "Thanks."

I shrugged, "Gotta be tough when the storm gets rough." I said cockily before heading out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published 7/17/19


	20. •18•

I ran.

I ran and ran and- You get the jist.

And, actually, I didn't actually _ru_ n that long. Most of the distance was covered by speed-walking. I have no stamina.

I got to Alana's house, and she was sitting on the front stairs. Before I even said anything, she pointed to her right, indicating that was the direction Evan went in.

I nodded and started speed-walking.

"Oh!" I said, turning around to face Alana, so I was speed-walking backwards, "And I'll be your partner in the lab tomorrow." She smiled and i continued my race.

I don't know why I was in such a rush. I mean, maybe Evan just forgot?

But it seemed like there was a voice in my head telling me something urgent was happening.

Or maybe I just wanted to get my workout in for the day. Who knows?

I slowed down. Where was I even headed? It's not like I knew where Evan was. And even if I did, what would I do? Say "hey remember that huge lie? Well the Murphys are expecting more."? I don't wanna be a complete asshole to him after already being an asshole earlier today.

Now I wasn't speed-walking. I was just walking. Hell, I didn't even know where to.

This isn't really cool jungle movie or anything. I can't see his footprints on the sidewalk, or smell his scent in the air.

But I do know Evan.

I looked up and saw the Ellison Park welcome sign. Evan had created that sign early on in the summer. Of course, Evan didn't tell me this. We didn't really keep in touch over the summer. But his mom told my mom told me.

Well, I guess that is how rumors get spread.

But he was a park ranger there. Wasn't he? Maybe this is his cool-off place. Maybe he actually did forget about the Murphys. Or maybe he called them but they didn't pick up. I don't know.

But I had a sneaking suspension that he was here, at Ellison Park.

I stepped through the gate and smiled. I actually haven't been here in a while, despite everything. I'm not exactly sure why I stopped coming. Evan and I used to come here a bunch with our moms as kids. There's a pool that we used since we had a membership. We hiked sometimes too, but we never went on the hard trails as kids. Of course, there was that one time we, "and Connor", hiked up the steep trail. Ah, good times-

My thoughts were interrupted as I heard someone shout. I couldn't figure out exactly what they said, but I knew one thing. It sounded like Evan.

"Evan!" I called, concerned. What was wrong? Obviously something, if he's shouting about it.

I started running toward the direction of the shout. Not speed-walking, but running.

 _Maybe he's just raging?_ I thought as I ran. It would make sense, wouldn't it? I mean, everything in his life does seem to be going downhill a bit. In his mind, he's lost both Zoe and me. Of course, both of us are still here for him. Well, at least we're trying to be.

I saw a sign a little while back that said " _don't step off the trail_." But forget the rules, I needed to find Evan. He could be raging, sure, but he could also be getting kidnapped or mugged or-

I heard a crash.

The same direction where the shout came from.

I slowed, my body not able to run very far without stopping. "E-Evan?" I said nervously. Shoot, I was starting to sound like Evan witb all the stuttering.

I kept walking and eventually I came to a clearing. I looked up, astounded by the view before me. An empty field, framed with the forest I was just running through. A giant tree in the back-center. Leaves on the ground around it. It is Autumn, anyway.

On the ground below the tree, was Evan.

I gasped. What happened? Did he fall off the same fucking tree again?

I ran over to him and knelt beside him. He was definitely unconscious.

"Evan!" I yelled, even though I was sitting right beside him. "Asshole! Get up! We're worried! Not oNly me, but all of uS."

My voice cracked on the words _onl_ y and _us_. God, I really am sounding like Evan. First the stuttering, now the voice cracks!

" _He's fine_." I heard a voice in my head say. " _Well... he'll_ be _fine."_

I nodded to myself and sat beside Evan.

This was my fault, wasn't it? I should've just asked where the body was and none of this would be happening!

There is _no way_ I killed this boy.

I heard a chucking in my head as the voice said, " _He's not dead, Jared."_

As if one cue, Evan's eyes starting fluttering.

Slowly but surely, his eyes eventually squinted open, enough that he could see, at least.

"J-Jared?" Evan said quietly. I felt my cheeks get hot for a moment, but brushed it off. He was alive and well, and it made me happy.

"Yeah, it's me. Are you okay?" I replied softly.

His eyes opened more, and I could now see the color in them. The many shades of blue. All of those blues mixed together, forming the beauty that is Evan's eyes-

But that's kinda gay so.

He looked at me for a second.

"FUCK!" He yelled, sitting up and pushing himself as far away from me as possible, his back pressed up against the tree.

"Evan?" I said, worried.

"I thought that would've done it!" He shouted, not meeting my gaze.

"Done wha-?" I started, confused, but I was cut off by the voice in my head .

" _Well you_ didn't _die! That's good! Get up and get going! You only live once!"_ And for a split second, I saw him. Connor Murphy. Of course, it was probably just my dumbass brain trying to make sense out of the voice. It was just a voice in my head anyway.

"Shut up!" Evan yelled at me, putting his hands on his ears like a child.

I silenced and sat beside him.

"Look." I said quietly. So quietly, in fact, that I wasn't even sure if he could hear me, especially with his hands on his ears. "I know life is shit, and I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for hurting your feelings, even though I was trying specifically _no_ t to." I stiffled an small awkward laugh. "But you shouldn't really skip a commitment like the Murphys to climb a tree-"

I was cut off by a pair of arms wrapped around me. "I didn't- I didn't fall." Evan said into my shoulder. He was crying now. Come on, Jared, you made him cry again!

"Heh," I laughed, "well obviously you did since you're on the ground-"

"I _let go_!" He said, pulling his head up to look me in the eye.

"Wha-" But then it hit me. "No." I said, my eyes widening.

Evan nodded slightly through tears. By the looks of it, he was absolutely devastated and regretted it, but I couldn't read his mind.

"Evan..." I said, wrapping my arms around him and completing the hug.

He burst into sobs and put his head back on my shoulder, "I'm- I'm- I'm sorry!" He cried.

I didn't know how to respond to that, or what Evan wanted to hear, so I just tightened our hug.

We sat there in silence. Him crying into my shirt and me awkwardly hugging back. His hair was messy and it had a few leaves in it. I resisted the temptation to pull the leaves out.

After a few moments, I could feel his tears seep through my shirt onto my skin, but I ignored it. If I can't be a good friend, I should at least be a good crying pillow.

I'm not even a good hugger.

After a long moment, Evan sniffled and sat back, releasing me from the hug. I did the same.

"I overreact sometimes." He said, looking down at the ground.

I wasn't sure what he was talking about. He could've been referring to the fact that he tried to kill himself because of a little argument, or the fact that he cried for a whole 10 minutes. Either way, I smirked and said "Only sometimes?"

He laughed a little and my heart hurt. _He_ was hurt, and it was my fault.

"No, _I'm_ sorry." I said after a moment, finally replying to his early comment.

"Wha- what?"

"I'm... a terrible friend." I managed. I looked him. In the eye. "I shouldn't have yelled at you earlier. I shouldn't have convinced you to break up with Zoe. I shouldn't have made up fake stories about us and Connor. I shouldn't have joined the Connor Project, I shouldn't have even helped you with the emails. I didn't help a thing, and loom where we all now. Sure, you're the one orchestrating all of this, but it's _m_ y fault."

Wow, that was a lot.

"I just-" I started, trying to elaborate, but once again I found Evan's arms around me.

"Jared," he started. He wasn't crying anymore, and his voice was soft and sincere. "You are my _only friend_."

I'm not a heavy cryer, but I could feel my eyes water.

Evan's good with side hugs.

I stood up, "Let's go. The Murphys are waiting."

I held out my hand to help him up, and he nodded and accepted it.

"Hey Jared?" He said after he brushed the leaves off of him.

"Hmm?" I hummed, looking at you.

"I love you."

My heart stopped. It was just three words, and I should've seen it coming, but I didn't. It's funny how those three words can pull on your heartstrings so tightly.

What do I say back?

"Thanks."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaAAAAHHH  
> jARED YOU ARE EFFING GAY STOP TRYING TO DENY IT-  
> [Insert me, ranting about my own fanfiction]  
> i really need to get this book to a close.  
> i have an ending idea but I feel like no one will be satisfied.  
> anyway, tanks again for 1k views.  
> (this is the first chapter that's taken more than one day. i don't like spend my entire day on wattpad, so I've been working like 10 minutes at a time, before losing inspiration and coming back)
> 
> Started: 7/17/19  
> Published: 7/20/19


	21. •19•

Evan and I walked back to the Murphy's in complete and utter silence. I think we were both burnt out my the amount of crying and motivating talk we did for the last few minutes.

But there was still one thing I couldn't shake.

Ok, that's a lie, there's a lot of things I couldn't shake. But this one thing in particular had me almost stumble into a few lampposts.

Evan had said that he loved me. Multiple times. And it's getting to me, picking at my rotten heart, whispering the same thing over and over, _'he loves you, Jared, he loves you._ ' As if I could do anything about it! I'm sorry, but I'm just a poor little Senior in highschool who can't keep his life straight! A boy who doesn't even care enough to watch the back of his _only_ close friend! What do I know about love?

Hell, I'm the one who has only had _one real relationship_! And guess what! _Nobody knew_! Not a soul! No wonder it ended so quickly!

I'm the one who spent most of middle school crushing on a celebrity! _Who does that?_

How was I possibility gonna maintain a relationship ever? I'm Jared freaking Kleinman. I don't have a heart.

Turns out, all that sappy talk wasn't over yet.

"Evan?" I said, turning to face him. His face was red, probably from all the crying. He turned to meet my gaze and I said, "Why?"

He looked shocked for a second. "Why... what?"

"Why do you love me?" I started, feeling myself tear up again. God damnit, I'm Jared freaking Kleinman! JARED DOES NOT CRY!

I continued. "I mean, I've been an asshole to you ever since Junior year. It's not like we talk much anymore or anything, and when we do, I only pick on you and hurt you and-"

I couldn't continue. I just couldn't. I don't even know why, but my voice gave in and I stopped talking. Evan was left staring at, looking as confused as I felt.

Why did I have to say all of that?

"Well.." He cleared his throat awkwardly. "You-"

"Evan!" I heard someone cry down the street. It was god-freaking Alana. Leave it up to Alana Beck to ruin a potentially heartwarming moment!

Her gaze shifted to me. "Oh Jared, are you okay?" She asked.

For some reason, I looked at Evan, as if he was the one who could explain my emotions. He gave me an awkward smile and my stomach flipped.

"Oh boy, sure!" I said sarcastically, turning back to Alana.

"His he being sarcastic?" Alana whispered, looking at Evan. He shrugged.

"Anywayyy..." Alana continued, stepping back and looking at both of us. She put her hand in her purse and pulled out a stack of papers, "Found these on Evan's doorstep. Figured they were his. I didn't look at them though." She put the papers in Evan's arms.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to conclude that the papers were the fake emails we meant to give to the Murphys the first time I ate there.

"Eh.. Uh.. Thanks?" Evan said. I could tell he knew what they were too, and he didn't seem particularly happy to have them back.

"Ok and I lied." Alana said suddenly. "I looked at one."

Evan went pink. "O-oh."

"You're so sweet Evan. You really should show one to. If those are all drafts, I bet the final outcome is adorable!" Alana said.

I don't remember writing drafts for any of the letters. I just kinda typed?

"I read draft 7, just FYI." She said as she turned around and started walking away. Half way through her walk though, she turned back around and looked at me. "Oh and I think you were being sarcastic, Jared. If you ever wanna talk--" She did jazzhands, gesturing to herself before continuing to walk away.

"Alana's so nice-" Evan started.

But I cut him off, "What are those papers?"

"U-uh... The Connor Project letters, o-obviously."

I crossed my arms and smirked, "Yeah, definitely. Because I absolutely wrote 7 drafts to the Connor Project letters and printed them all out." I said sarcastically.

"L-look it's none of your business, J-Jared." He was stuttering now, you know what that means, guys.

I slipped one of the papers out from closer to the bottom of the stack and started reading to myself.

 **"** **why am i still writing these at 1:27 am?"** was the first sentence at the top of the page. The handwriting was obviously Evan's, but it looked a little sloppy, which makes sense since he apparently wrote it at 1:27 am. Under that sentence, he wrote " **Draft 21** "

Jeez! Whatever this was, Evan wrote at least 21 drafts of it! What are the chances it's just a school essay?

**Jared,**

Definitely not a school essay.

**I don't really know how I'm gonna start this, but I know I want you to read it so...-**

Evan snatched the paper out of my hand before a could read more.

"Hey you're lucky that didn't rip!" I said.

Evan giggled awkwardly. "You can read these some other day." His face was still pink.

I sighed, "You just wanna go to the Murphy's, don't you?"

He nodded and we continued walking in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may have been another filler chapter oops.  
> I know I want this book to end, and I know what the ending is already, I just gotta find a good way to get to that ending with enough gay to satisfy the gay-hungry fandom. 
> 
> Started: 7/20/19  
> Published: 7/24/19


	22. •20•

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do people actually like slow burn fanfics? I don't know if you can tell, but I do.

I pushed open the door to the Murphys saying, "Evan never leave your phone off ever again."

"What happened? Are you okay?" Mrs. Murphy said before we even stepped into the house.

"Oh I'm fine thanks for-"

"She was talking to Evan." Zoe snapped. Jeez apparently no one here can take some comic relief.

Evan stood there, silent. I nudged him in the arm and he seemed to snap out of it. "Oh yeah" He laughed awkwardly, and I had to try to keep myself from smiling. "I'm fine. Thanks."

"What even happened out there?" Mr. Murphy said.

Evan and I exchanged glances.

"I- um- we-" Evan tried to speak, but failed miserably.

Evan sure does suck at trying to lie. But wait a minute, isn't he that boy who lied about an entire friendship? Oops. "The idiot didn't turn his phone on." I said, filling in for Evan. "He was gonna call and tell us that he needed a breather at Ellison Park before he came, but he never turned his fucking phone on!"

Evan smiled just a tad before nodding. "Yeah, sorry 'bout that."

I smiled at him smiling. Oh god that sounds super homo doesn't it?

Evan walked over and sat across from Zoe, in the same chair he sat in last night. Last night? Was it really last night? It felt like 9 days ago! Time skips are apparently becoming less evident.

I sat on the floor, as always. Gotta keep up that nerd status, you know?

"Jared why the fuck do you always sit on the floor?" Zoe snapped.

"What's the problem with you?" I asked, slightly offended. Like, jeez, lemme sit wherever I want to sit. There isn't even another chair open! Where do you expect me to sit? Evan's lap?

Zoe sighed, "I'm sorry," she said sincerely, "There's just been a lot on my mind."

Me too, sister. Me too.

Mrs. Murphy, ignoring the awkward exchanged, clapped her hands together and said, "Get excited kids! Mr. Murphy's cooking tonight!"

"Awesome." I said, smiling at her.

" _No_ t awesome." Zoe grumbled, sliding down in her chair. "My dad is _no_ t the most excellent of cooks."

"Oh." I heard Evan say quietly.

Mr. Murphy got up from his seat and walked to the kitchen confidently. "Tonight, In honor of Connor, I'm going to make his favorite meal!"

Despite Zoe's negative statement, my interest was still spiked. I've never seen Mr. Murphy cook, and, hey, it couldn't be that bad right? "Ooh what is it?" Evan said, though his voice lacked the enthusiasm everyone liked hearing.

"Turkey, mashed potatoes, and steamed vegetables!" Hey that didn't sound too bad. Actually, it sounded like we were about to have a Thanksgiving feast! He pulled a package out of the freezer and I read the label. _Microwaveable Meals._ "Microwaved!"

Zoe smirked, "Do you see where I'm coming from?"

"Hey microwaved meals can be delicious!" Evan said, smiling and pointing at Zoe as if they were in some political debate.

"Says who?" Zoe laughed.

"Me! Duh!"

I smiled, watching them bicker. Was it really bickering, or just having a good time? Either way, it was fun to watch. The two made such a good pair, and for some reason I felt guilty. Like it was my fault Evan broke up with her. If I wasn't here, they'd still be together. A great pair.

Maybe I should've continued being an absolute asshole. Maybe I should've never stopped. If, when Evan asked me to write the emails, I said, "What kind of fucking idiot writes emails as a dead kid?" and hung up, Evan and Zoe would still be.

Or maybe if I never wrote those emails, Evan would be in shame. Maybe he would've straight up told the Murphys right then and there, and never even get the be with Zoe in the first place. What would I do if that happened?

Out of pity, I'd probably end up doing what I'm doing now. Trying to get closer the Evan. Making the boy fall in love with me.

Why is this inevitable?

What if I never decided to welcome myself into the 'Evan-Connor friendship', as Evan has called it? Where would I be sitting now? Maybe I'd still be in the Connor Project, working on digital posters and blog posts that mean nothing. I'd still be writing emails, too. But we wouldn't be doing all of... _this_.

How many things have happened solely because I was 'friends' with Connor?

Evan wouldn't have attempted suicide if I wasn't here right now.

Why do I have to be so handsome and charming?

Now Evan loved me, he's said it multiple times, and I have no idea what to do about it.

Part of me wanted this to end. All of it. The Evan-Connor-Jared friendship, the Connor Project, the visits to the Murphy's, the dinners, the stories, the emails, the feelings... I wanted to click some imaginary button and make all of this go back to the way it was before. Normal. I want to live the normal life of a Senior in highschool. I want to take my APs and flunk a couple quizzes. I want to make friends and be seen as a _rea_ l cool kid, not just the kid who's desperate for friends. I want to go back to making fun of everyone who's shorter and/or heavier than me, because life was easier then.

Now Evan was leaning on _me_ to keep up this lie that he had so ridiculously started. One wrong slip and _boom_! _Nothing_ would ever be normal again. I can't undo anything that's happened.

Nothing will ever be normal again.

And that stung.

"Earth to Jared? Anyone on board?" Zoe said as Evan shook my shoulders. Oh god, I really zoned out there. I wondered how long I'd been out, hopefully I didn't have them worried for too long.

"Jared to Earth," I said. Evan stopped shaking me and stepped back, smiling. I smiled too. "Yep, just landed on planet Murphyandmicrowavedmeals. Gonna explore the terrain a little bit, see if there are any indications of life. Jared Kleinman, over and out."

I stood up and sniffed the air. It sure did smell like microwaved meals.

"And after two and a half long microwave minutes," Evan said, smiling at me, "Our dinner is served!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow ok I actually had a zone-out scene. You better believe that means this is a real fanfic now! Hahaha.
> 
> Published: 8/1/19


	23. •21•

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That moment when you have an idea for another kleinsen fanfic but you aren't even done with the first one and you're not a good multitasker.

"So Alana called me last night and mentioned something about a Halloween Dance?" Mrs. Murphy said a few moments after we sat down.

I'ma be completely honest with you, with all the shit going on I kinda forgot all about the Halloween dance, and it was only a week away.

Judging by the look on Evan's face, he forgot too, and he was not happy about it.

"Yep." I said, "Gonna be on the 28. Knowing Alana, she'll probably have all the decorations done by tomorrow."

"I'm in charge of refreshments..." Evan mumbled, as if he was reminding himself.

"Yep! And I'm in charge of advertising! 'Cause how are we gonna get the cah-ching cah-ching if no one knows it even exists!" I laughed at my own plainly stupid joke.

"That's nice." Mrs. Murphy replied. "It still overwhelms me that you guys are willing to do so much just to bring back Connor's orchard. You're just so kind."

"Thanks, we're just trying to do what we can." Evan replied almost immediately. I couldn't bring myself to reply to that, though, out of guilt. Since, you know, _big lie_?

I start to regret joining this more every minute.

"Have you guys thought of costumes?" Zoe intervened, trying to steer the topic away from Connor.

I didn't exactly have a perfect idea of the costume, but I knew the gist of what I was gonna do. "I'ma be a ceiling fan!" I said, standing up and posing dramatically.

"A... ceiling fan?" Zoe questioned.

"Ah, my poor, naïve Zoe." I started, sitting back down. "You do now understand the ways of Jared Kleinman just yet. Don't worry, small one, because within time, you will see."

There was a brief silence before Zoe said, "I literally have no idea what the fuck you just said."

I shook my head, "Within time, little one... within time."

"Jared cut the faux wisdom stuff." Evan said, smiling.

"Mmm someday, someday in time, these inexperienced _brat_ s will see their true destiny." I said, trying hard not to smile.

Evan laughed, and I had to restrain myself from laughing along with him. I'm sorry, but Evan's laugh is kinda fricking adorable.

"What about you, Evan?" Zoe asked, turning to face Evan as she picked at her microwaved turkey. It was clear to me, just by the was Zoe looked at Evan, that she still fancied him. Part of me wondered it Zoe would still like him if she knew what he's doing. _How loyal really are you?_

"Ehh..." Evan rubbed the back of his neck, "Haven't thought of one yet." He said, before stuffing a spoonful of mashed potatoes in his mouth. I knew he was just trying to avoid conversation about his Halloween costume. Evan hasn't dressed up since 4th grade. I didn't expect him to dress up this year, but who knows?

"You can be a tree." I said, pointing my fork at Evan, "It suits you."

"What? No!" Evan laughed through the mashed potatoes that were still in his mouth.

Zoe passed him a napkin and laughed, "That's disgusting, Evan. Don't talk with your mouth full."

The three of us laughed, and, I gotta say, it kinda felt like a typical Senior Year moment. Three friends eating microwaved meals at a table, speaking with their mouths full.

Our laughing died down and we were silent for a moment before Zoe spoke up. "I'm gonna go as Ginny."

"Ginny Weasley?" I asked. Evan shot me a curious look. He's never read Harry Potter, that moron. Like, who hasn't read Harry Potter?

Zoe nodded, "She's my favorite character."

"See, I took you more as a Ron. Dumb and arrogant."

Zoe flicked a piece of turkey at me. "No!" She said laughing.

I flashed her a smile and said, "I wasn't joking." In response, Zoe got out of her chair to get the piece of turkey, and then threw it back at me.

"Enough." Mr. Murphy boomed. "There's already been enough food fights in this house with you and Connor. I don't need an additional."

I immediately felt guilty. The idea of a food fight hurt this family.

Us three children sat in a shameful silence, continuing to stare down at our plates and eating, before Evan said, "What's a Ginny?" To which Zoe and I burst out in laughter.

"I've never seen you as a very geeky type." Zoe said to me, ignoring Evan's question.

I shrugged. "Harry Potter's cool." I said simply. I didn't want ti be seen as a _geek_ , even though that's probably the easiest way to describe me sometimes.

"Oh Harry Potter!" Evan said, finally realizing what we were talking about.

Just then, his phone pinged.

"Oh _now_ your phone's on!" I said jokingly.

"Alana just sent me a list of things to get for the dance." He said, ignoring my pester. "'Fruit punch, doctor pepper, sprite, lays potato chips, lays... sALT AND VINEGAR?!'"

"Ewwww!" Both him and Zoe expressed at the same time.

I stared at them in disbelief, "You don't like salt and vinegar chips?"

"They taste like sea water!" Zoe yelled.

"They taste like a seagulls' doodoo!" Evan yelled.

I smirked, "How do you know what that tastes like?" I asked, and Evan slammed his head on the table in result.

"Guys you can say you're a little... _salty._ " I said, which earned another head slam from Evan.

"Do you need help picking up things for the dance? I could come and help you out?" Zoe offered. Yeah, she definitely still had the hots for him.

"N-no, I'm fine." He said, lifting his head off the table. "I can do it alone."

My heart dropped, for some reason. I guess somewhere in my brain, I was hoping I could help Evan with refreshments.

"You sure?" I said, and Zoe glared at me. _Jealous._ Evan nodded slowly before blinking four times in a row.

Happiness immediately ran through me. As children, Evan and I had developed a little lying system, thanks to my brilliant 4 year old brain. Blinking, basically meant, "Yea I'm totally not meaning what I'm saying." We used it a lot. Like, for years. Until high school started, actually. He'd say he'd need to go to the bathroom, before blinking 4 times, and I would know that he just wanted time away from his parents.

There was this one time, at Ellison park when we were like 7, when he told his parents he was going to pick up litter, before blinking and letting me know he wanted me to come, too.

That was the day he told me he was diagnosed with social anxiety.

"Jared, I need to tell you something." He'd said once we were far away enough from the tree our parents were talking under. His voice was really squeaky back then. Wait a minute, it still is squeaky.

"You tell me things on like a daily basis." I replied. This was my sense of humor back then, kids. Take notes, and don't repeat history for me.

"Uh, well... this is like really important." He fiddled with his hair, which he did more as a kid than he does now. Now he plays with the hem of his shirt and bites his nails. Back then it was all about hair twirling.

"Oh." Was all I could muster. As a kid, see, I had had more friends, and I didn't like to think of Evan as my "best" friend. Maybe that's where the whole "family friend" thing came from after I started plummeting on the popularity scale. I didn't know if Evan was supposed to tell me important things if I wasn't his best friend.

I was 7, can you blame me?

"Jared... I... Can't make friends." He said, his eyes tearing up a bit.

I stared at him for a second before bursting out laughing, "Of course you can make friends!" I said, "Everyone can!"

"The doctor's said I couldn't."

That got my 7 year old attention. What ever doctors say go. At least for a 7 year old. But I didn't really understand. How could someone not make friends? It was impossible.

I pulled Evan behind a tree so our parents wouldn't question where we were. I pulled him down so we were sitting beside each other.

Evan continued crying, "I can't make friends, Jared! I get scared and my hands get watery and I start tearing up and thinking of things they won't like about me."

I shushed him, but he wouldn't quiet.

"The doctors even said it might be hard for me to speak to people! The _doctors_ , Jared!" He kept crying, and, as a 7 year old, I didn't know to react.

I took his little hand. "Pardon my language," I said, "But those fricking doctors can tell themselves to shut the frick up." Evan smiled through tears. He used to like it when i 'cussed'. Our parents would always yell at me if I used the word frick around them, but for some reason Evan enjoyed it. "You can make friends if you want to make friends. What do those doctors know!"

"I don't know..." Evan said, staring at his lap, hand still in mine, "Everytime I try to make friends, I just feel like I'm doing something wrong. Like I'm not supposed to make friends."

"Do you want to make friends?" I asked.

"I- Maybe not... It just kinda hurts..." He responded, tears still flowing.

"You don't have to make friends if you don't want to." I said, my tone still casual. I still wasn't exactly sure what I was supposed to be doing.

"Mommy says I should make more friends."

I paused for a moment, before forcing him to look at me. In the eye. "If you don't want to make friends, you don't have to." I said softly, before smiling, "You have me!"

Evan smiled and jumped onto me, hugging me tight. "You're my favorite person, Jared!" He squeaked. I had smiled and hugged him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dAWWWWWWWWWWWW   
> im legit squealing.  
> 7 y/o fluff moments y'all.
> 
> (you have no idea how hard it was for me not to make it gayer. needed them to look like best friends, not gay lovers)
> 
> Published: 8/3/19


	24. •22•

"Ok where to?" I asked after we walked onto the sidewalk from the Murphy's. "Food Lion, Walmart?"

Evan looked at me in shock, "Wait... You actually remembered the blinking technique?"

I rolled my eyes, "Duh! It wasn't _that_ long ago."

Evan looked down at his feet, "Y-yeah, I know, it's just... you act like you don't remember anything from before high school..."

That got my attention. Because it was true. Once highschool started, I tried to forget about middle school and anything about it, in hopes that I'll become more popular again. I'd tell people heroic stories of how I caught someone who fell off a swing in 5th grade, while they would tell embarrassing middle school stories.

I always wanted to climb higher on the popularity charts. I was good in elementary school, the whole class would be my friend, but in middle school, I started shying away a little and sticking by Evan's side. At first, I didn't care too much, but then I saw how all the popular kids were treated, and I realized I wanted to be one.

So high school was like a new start for me. Sure, most of the other freshman there had an idea of who I was, but I had a whole summer to change. I wasn't the Jared Kleinman they thought they knew. At least, not in my mind.

I should've known that becoming popular wasn't going to happen. It should've been evident way before freshman year ended. But I didn't notice.

Once sophomore year started, I started picking up on trends. Evan had no friends. I hung around Evan. In my sophomore brain, I came up with the conclusion that the reason I wasn't popular was _Evan_.

So I stopped hanging around him. I would come up with excuses not to hang out and would make fun of him in the halls when other people were around. It hurt at first, it really did, trying to put my only real friend in the past. But, I got used to it.

_I got used to trying not to be Evan's friend._

I took a deep breath in and sighed. "Yeah, you're right." Was all I said.

We walked in silence into Food Lion, the tension hanging between us unbearable.

"Ok so um," Evan said, breaking the silence and looking down at his phone, "There's a lot of stuff on this list."

"Of course there is, this _is_ Alana we're talking about." I said, and Evan laughed. "You think we should divide and conquer?"

Evan shook his head, "No it's fine."

I leaned closer to him, smirked, and said, "You just wanna spend time alone with me, don't you Evan?"

Evan's face went pink, but he still managed to respond. "W-well, we're in a g-grocery store s-so we're not actually alone."

I laughed, despite Evan's obvious discomfort. Or comfort. The world may never know.

We walked over to the carts and Evan picked up a basket.

"A basket?" I asked mocking, "What are you, an elder?"

"Hey I'm sorry! It's not my fault my mom's old school." He said in response, smiling.

We walked to the snack aisle and Evan threw a couple things in the basket quietly. To break the silence, I said, "I'm surprised I'm not in this aisle."

Evan rolled his eyes, but his face still flushed a little pink.

"Why did you even bring me here?" I asked as we moved on to the fridge aisle to get popsicles. "I mean, you're doing all the work."

Evan shrugged. "I don't like going to big places like these alone. Too many people."

"I'm a person too you realize?" I joked.

Evan didn't laugh, though. "Yeah but you're my _favorite_ person."

I smiled wide, feeling my face heat up and happiness swelling up inside of me. Not only because of his words, but also because of the memory associated with them.

I took me about 3 awkward seconds to try contain myself before muffling out a quiet " You're my favorite person, too. "

Evan didn't hear it.

God, I am a mess. Was it just me or is it like really hot in here? It's probably just me, I'm pretty hot.

We walked passed a little shelf with cheerleader pom-poms on it, and I grabbed Evan's shoulder. "These are perfect!" I said, picking up the pom-poms and putting them in the basket.

"What the hell?" Evan mumbled.

"You'll see."

We went to checkout, and, of course I paid for my pom-poms.

"I can carry the bags." I said to Evan as we left the store.

"No it's fine." I swear, can this boy say anything other than "It's fine"?

"Lemme rephrase that." I said, taking the bags out of Evan's hands. "I _am_ carrying the bags."

Evan sighed, but let me carry the bags.

Once again we were walking in silence.

I decided to bring the topic of Halloween costumes back up, "You're not really gonna dress up, are you?"

He sighed again, "No, probably not."

"Even when there's a dance?"

He shrugged, "Why prepare this huge-ass costume when I could just go as myself?"

"Because it's like super fun?" I prompted .

Evan shook his head, "Not when every costume you try to make ends in failure and the popular kids laughing at you."

I flash backed to one time last year when Evan had attempted to get back into the Halloween spirit. He had dressed like a ghost, which I thought was the easiest costume ever. _I_ laughed at him.

"Evan can you answer that question?" I asked, breaking my own thoughts.

"What question?" He asked, obviously curious.

" _Why_?" I said, not willing to meet his eye, "Why do you love me? I was an asshole to you and what, you just decide to forget about that?"

Evan sighed again. Why does this dude sigh so much? "No, I didn't forget it." He said, " But, you have to remember, Jared, I've known you since you were 3. I _know_ you. You never had to tell me any of your secrets, because I knew them already. I can read you like a dyslexic kid can read an open book. "

"That's not a promising metaphor." I replied, sending him a small smile.

"One, it's a simile." He said, looking back at me, "And two, I mean, like I would say I could read you like an open book, but I can't. I can understand some key factors to you that I feel like others can't, can't for other, littler things about you. It's confusing."

"I still don't understand..." I said quietly. "This doesn't really answer my question..?"

"I understand you. Sometimes, at least. I know you didn't make fun of me because, out if no where you decided 'hey i don't like this Evan Hansen kid.'. No. I know you wanted more friends and I completely understood that. That's why I just kinda let it happen..."

I was going to say something, but he continued before I could. "I admire you ambition. Nothing gets in Jared's way without Jared's permission. You would go after what ever you want, and if that meant pushing me out of the way... that was fine by me. Not only that, but we have so many memories together, happy and sad. Ones that remind me of who we are. Memories from before we had this plastic shell on our souls, dimming who we really are. Memories of us laughing like popularity didn't matter..."

I didn't know what to make of this. Evan wasn't really the kind to speak, and now he was speaking out his entire soul. It was kinda overwhelming.

"And... You're so funny..." He continued, starting to trail off a bit. "Sometimes your jokes are plain stupid, but I can't help smiling at them. Maybe it's your charm or... I don't know, but it's like I _physically_ can't not laugh at things you say... It's crazy."

Part of me wanted Evan to stop so I wouldn't start fucking crying. But then again, what he was saying made my heart hurt. In a good way.

"You and I have a lot of things Zoe and I never had." Oh great, now he's bringing Zoe into this. "We have a history. A good history. A history I love to re-live, but also a history I want to see be put in the past. A history that inspires me to keep going."

"What... What are you saying?" I asked, tearing up a bit.

"I don't know this whole speech has been all over the place but... I guess what I'm trying to say, Jared is... um... I don't think I'd be here without you."

I stopped. I just... stopped. I stopped moving, my breath hitched, and my heart slowed.

Everything just stopped.

I wasn't even thinking.

After everything I did, I don't understand how Evan can feel the way he does.

It didn't make sense.

I felt weight being lifted off my shoulders as Evan took the bags from me.

I didn't even realize where we were until Evan said, "See you tomorrow." quietly, before walking into his house, leaving me to stand in confused silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow Evan's pretty bi.
> 
> Published: 8/4/19


	25. •22•

"Ok where to?" I asked after we walked onto the sidewalk from the Murphy's. "Food Lion, Walmart?"

Evan looked at me in shock, "Wait... You actually remembered the blinking technique?"

I rolled my eyes, "Duh! It wasn't _that_ long ago."

Evan looked down at his feet, "Y-yeah, I know, it's just... you act like you don't remember anything from before high school..."

That got my attention. Because it was true. Once highschool started, I tried to forget about middle school and anything about it, in hopes that I'll become more popular again. I'd tell people heroic stories of how I caught someone who fell off a swing in 5th grade, while they would tell embarrassing middle school stories.

I always wanted to climb higher on the popularity charts. I was good in elementary school, the whole class would be my friend, but in middle school, I started shying away a little and sticking by Evan's side. At first, I didn't care too much, but then I saw how all the popular kids were treated, and I realized I wanted to be one.

So high school was like a new start for me. Sure, most of the other freshman there had an idea of who I was, but I had a whole summer to change. I wasn't the Jared Kleinman they thought they knew. At least, not in my mind.

I should've known that becoming popular wasn't going to happen. It should've been evident way before freshman year ended. But I didn't notice.

Once sophomore year started, I started picking up on trends. Evan had no friends. I hung around Evan. In my sophomore brain, I came up with the conclusion that the reason I wasn't popular was _Evan_.

So I stopped hanging around him. I would come up with excuses not to hang out and would make fun of him in the halls when other people were around. It hurt at first, it really did, trying to put my only real friend in the past. But, I got used to it.

_I got used to trying not to be Evan's friend._

I took a deep breath in and sighed. "Yeah, you're right." Was all I said.

We walked in silence into Food Lion, the tension hanging between us unbearable.

"Ok so um," Evan said, breaking the silence and looking down at his phone, "There's a lot of stuff on this list."

"Of course there is, this _is_ Alana we're talking about." I said, and Evan laughed. "You think we should divide and conquer?"

Evan shook his head, "No it's fine."

I leaned closer to him, smirked, and said, "You just wanna spend time alone with me, don't you Evan?"

Evan's face went pink, but he still managed to respond. "W-well, we're in a g-grocery store s-so we're not actually alone."

I laughed, despite Evan's obvious discomfort. Or comfort. The world may never know.

We walked over to the carts and Evan picked up a basket.

"A basket?" I asked mocking, "What are you, an elder?"

"Hey I'm sorry! It's not my fault my mom's old school." He said in response, smiling.

We walked to the snack aisle and Evan threw a couple things in the basket quietly. To break the silence, I said, "I'm surprised I'm not in this aisle."

Evan rolled his eyes, but his face still flushed a little pink.

"Why did you even bring me here?" I asked as we moved on to the fridge aisle to get popsicles. "I mean, you're doing all the work."

Evan shrugged. "I don't like going to big places like these alone. Too many people."

"I'm a person too you realize?" I joked.

Evan didn't laugh, though. "Yeah but you're my _favorite_ person."

I smiled wide, feeling my face heat up and happiness swelling up inside of me. Not only because of his words, but also because of the memory associated with them.

I took me about 3 awkward seconds to try contain myself before muffling out a quiet " You're my favorite person, too. "

Evan didn't hear it.

God, I am a mess. Was it just me or is it like really hot in here? It's probably just me, I'm pretty hot.

We walked passed a little shelf with cheerleader pom-poms on it, and I grabbed Evan's shoulder. "These are perfect!" I said, picking up the pom-poms and putting them in the basket.

"What the hell?" Evan mumbled.

"You'll see."

We went to checkout, and, of course I paid for my pom-poms.

"I can carry the bags." I said to Evan as we left the store.

"No it's fine." I swear, can this boy say anything other than "It's fine"?

"Lemme rephrase that." I said, taking the bags out of Evan's hands. "I _am_ carrying the bags."

Evan sighed, but let me carry the bags.

Once again we were walking in silence.

I decided to bring the topic of Halloween costumes back up, "You're not really gonna dress up, are you?"

He sighed again, "No, probably not."

"Even when there's a dance?"

He shrugged, "Why prepare this huge-ass costume when I could just go as myself?"

"Because it's like super fun?" I prompted .

Evan shook his head, "Not when every costume you try to make ends in failure and the popular kids laughing at you."

I flash backed to one time last year when Evan had attempted to get back into the Halloween spirit. He had dressed like a ghost, which I thought was the easiest costume ever. _I_ laughed at him.

"Evan can you answer that question?" I asked, breaking my own thoughts.

"What question?" He asked, obviously curious.

" _Why_?" I said, not willing to meet his eye, "Why do you love me? I was an asshole to you and what, you just decide to forget about that?"

Evan sighed again. Why does this dude sigh so much? "No, I didn't forget it." He said, " But, you have to remember, Jared, I've known you since you were 3. I _know_ you. You never had to tell me any of your secrets, because I knew them already. I can read you like a dyslexic kid can read an open book. "

"That's not a promising metaphor." I replied, sending him a small smile.

"One, it's a simile." He said, looking back at me, "And two, I mean, like I would say I could read you like an open book, but I can't. I can understand some key factors to you that I feel like others can't, can't for other, littler things about you. It's confusing."

"I still don't understand..." I said quietly. "This doesn't really answer my question..?"

"I understand you. Sometimes, at least. I know you didn't make fun of me because, out if no where you decided 'hey i don't like this Evan Hansen kid.'. No. I know you wanted more friends and I completely understood that. That's why I just kinda let it happen..."

I was going to say something, but he continued before I could. "I admire you ambition. Nothing gets in Jared's way without Jared's permission. You would go after what ever you want, and if that meant pushing me out of the way... that was fine by me. Not only that, but we have so many memories together, happy and sad. Ones that remind me of who we are. Memories from before we had this plastic shell on our souls, dimming who we really are. Memories of us laughing like popularity didn't matter..."

I didn't know what to make of this. Evan wasn't really the kind to speak, and now he was speaking out his entire soul. It was kinda overwhelming.

"And... You're so funny..." He continued, starting to trail off a bit. "Sometimes your jokes are plain stupid, but I can't help smiling at them. Maybe it's your charm or... I don't know, but it's like I _physically_ can't not laugh at things you say... It's crazy."

Part of me wanted Evan to stop so I wouldn't start fucking crying. But then again, what he was saying made my heart hurt. In a good way.

"You and I have a lot of things Zoe and I never had." Oh great, now he's bringing Zoe into this. "We have a history. A good history. A history I love to re-live, but also a history I want to see be put in the past. A history that inspires me to keep going."

"What... What are you saying?" I asked, tearing up a bit.

"I don't know this whole speech has been all over the place but... I guess what I'm trying to say, Jared is... um... I don't think I'd be here without you."

I stopped. I just... stopped. I stopped moving, my breath hitched, and my heart slowed.

Everything just stopped.

I wasn't even thinking.

After everything I did, I don't understand how Evan can feel the way he does.

It didn't make sense.

I felt weight being lifted off my shoulders as Evan took the bags from me.

I didn't even realize where we were until Evan said, "See you tomorrow." quietly, before walking into his house, leaving me to stand in confused silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow Evan's pretty bi.
> 
> Published: 8/4/19


	26. •23•

Despite everything, the week went by as normal. And before any of us knew it, it was the 28th, the night of the Halloween dance.

After school, I walked up to my house to find a bundle of papers. On closer inspection, I realized they were the drafts that Alana found a few days ago that Evan didn't want me to read.

There was a note on the top of the pile.

**"Hey Jared. You basically know everything now so why not drop these cringe-dumps onto you? I know I'll regret it later but hey. -Evan"**

Of course Evan would drop these papers off the night I had to prepare for the dance. Knowing Evan, he probably knew I wasn't going to have a chance to read them all tonight.

I took the stack and brought them up to my room, where I threw them under my bed. I took the top one off the stack just to read it before I get ready.

 **Draft 2,** it read. Oh shoot, draft two. The one I read on Tuesday was draft 21, so this is one of the early ones.

**Jared,**   
**uh hi it's me. Your family friend? I felt like I needed to tell you this and the easiest way was through letter, I guess. I wanted to let you know you're a great guy. I mean, like really awesome. Like, more than "family friend" awesome. If you don't catch what I'm throwing, basically I'm saying I have a crush on you. Oops.**   
**-Evan**

I laughed. Evan should've just straight up handed this to me and I would've loved him back.

I looked at the date that he wrote under his name, and I realized it was written at the end of Sophomore year. That was a long time ago, but that would explain why he only said "crush" instead of saying "i love you to the moon and back" like he seems to want to say now.

I searched through the pile in an attempt to find draft 21. After a minute, I found it.

**why am i still writing these?**   
**draft 21**

**Jared,**   
**I don't really know how I'm gonna start this, but I know I want you to read it so... Hi. It's your old family friend. The one you used to come with to Ellison Park all the time and played with at recess and talked about girls with. Evan Hansen?**

**You remember me? I know you do, but do you remember** **_us?_ ** **We used to be friends, remember? Like, real friends. Not.. Whatever we are now. Definitely not friends. I wish we could go back, don't you? Just to the times where we didn't have all this** **shit** **going on. The times before I was diagnosed with social anxiety and you were bullying yourself over it.**

**Every day seems so difficult now, Jared. You wouldn't know. Or, actually, maybe you do. It doesn't matter. None of this does. I just want you to know that, for a while now, I've wanted to be more that family friends. Hell, I want to me more than friends. I want to be** **_yours._ **

**And I know that when you read this, you'll laugh and throw it away. Actually, how do I know you'll even read it? How will I even get it to you? I won't be able to. You'll have to find it. It's not like I can tell my mom to give it to you. She'll read it.**

**I doubt you'll even come looking for me.**

**I just want you to know I love you.**

**I'll see you soon.**

The letter ended there. No signature, just a closing.

The date on the bottom was dated this past summer. Evan has been writing these since the end or Sophomore year, and he's still writing them, or so it seems.

Were these all love letters? Every one? Draft 21 sure did seem a lot darker than draft 2.

I looked at the clock. 3:25. I only had 45 minutes until I had to be at school helping Alana prepare for the dance.

I grabbed the pom-poms that were sitting on my desk, a grey shirt that said "ceiling", and some khaki shorts before going to change. 

My hair looked too normal, though, so I drenched it in hair gel, (like, more hair gel than normal), and then blew it with a hairdryer, so it looked like I was standing in the middle of a hurricane.

"This will do." I said to myself before heading out to the school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyy filler chapters.  
> Sorry, but I didn't want to make this chapter too long.
> 
> Published: 8/5/19


	27. •24•

I walked into the school gym to find almost everything already set up. Music was playing already and a majority of the decorations were set up.

"What the hell?" I said, walking up to Alana, who was a short distance away from me. Her hair was put into two space buns with a singular strand poking out of each. She was wearing a purple and black dress that puffed out almost like a tutu down around her knees, and she was wearing a lot of eyeliner.

"I'm a witch!" Alana said, doing a fancy little twirl before pulling out a broom from who-knows-where.

"I knew _that_." I said , rolling my eyes, "I mean why is everything set up already? You told me to meet you here at 4 to get ready."

"Oh well I just stayed after." Alana explained, "And since I had all the decorations, I just started by myself. And... finished, too."

I looked around the gym. She really did do an exceptional job decorating. There were purple, green, orange, and black streamers streamed throughout the room, while on the ceiling there were black and orange twirling hanger things. In the corners of the room, there were small tables with small but mighty bluetooth speakers, blasting music which I just assumed came from Alana's phone. The concession stand, (which currently lacked concessions because Evan hadn't arrived yet) was covered with a black table cloth and had jack-o-lanterns on each end. To top it off, there were spider webs with plastic spiders in them littered around the entire room.

"You sure did a good job." I said in awe, and Alana smiled proudly.

"Thanks. I still need help setting up a photo booth, though. My mom agreed to take pictures of people, and I got Alexis to paint a spooky backdrop, but we need to get lighting and stuff." She said.

I nodded and followed her to her car where we got out some bulky lighting equipment. If this was anyone else, I'd be surprised they had this stuff just hanging around, but this is Alana.

Just as I was working with a weird box of light on a stand, I felt someone tap my back. "Gimme a sec..." I mumbled, making sure to lock the weird box of light on a stand in place.

I whipped around to see Evan, in a pretty usual outfit. He was wearing a purple and white striped polo and khakis. His hair, though, was an absolute mess. It look like he attempted to style it, but then decided against it _after_ putting in a bunch of hair gel.

"What the fuuu-" I started before Evan cut me off.

"My hair was messy; I tried to fix it; hair gel sucks." He said simply. 

I laughed, "Do you have to come over for _hair gel_ lessons?" I teased.

"Pff, no."

Evan smiled, pausing for a second before saying, "What are you supposed to be?" His eyes were fixed on my everywhere-hair. "You look worse than you did Tuesday morning."

A laughed, before running to the concession table, which now had bags of chips and soda on it, grabbing my pom-poms and running back to Evan. I jumped and landed with my arms in the air. "C-E-I-L-I-N-G" I chanted in a high-pitch, cheerleader-like voice, "LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE CEILING!"

Evan shook his head, "I am so confused..."

I put my hand my my hip and smirked, "I'm a ceiling _fan_."

Evan stared at me, confused, for a second before bursting out in laughter. "Oh I get it now!" He said.

I laughed with him, "Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm a genius."

"Is the photo booth done?" Alana asked as she walked in with a box.

"Yep-o." I said before jumping around the photo station waving my pom-poms, almost knocking over a lighting box.

"Well then I'll need help with this." She walked over and opened the box she was holding, and inside there were...

"Ketchup bottles?" Evan asked, evidently confused. He had the right to be, though, because I was actually pretty bamboozled myself.

Alana smiled, "We're gonna be making a haunted house! Duh!"

"Really?" I asked, a little surprised of how out-of-nowhere this came, especially coming from a person like Alana. "You never said anything about a haunted house."

She shrugged, "I wanted to surprise you, I guess." She said, pulling out a ketchup bottle. "I assumed we'd splatter this across the Science hallway and get Kelley, Rebecca, and Jonathan to jump outta classrooms or something."

"What about us?" I said, slightly offended, "I wanna scare the living shits out of people!"

Alana and Evan frowned, "I kinda assumed we'd stay out here and have fun ourselves, instead of having to work." Alana said.

I crossed my arms, still holding my pom-poms, "Screw that." I said, " I much rather scare people. "

Alana shrugged. "How about half-and-half? That way you can enjoy the dance like the rest of us a little too?"

I made a scene of drooping my head a little and frowning, though really, the compromise seemed pretty decent. "Fine."

Evan fidgeted with his fingers nervously. I wish I knew what was going on inside his head, because he sure did seem a little upset.

"Do you wanna come scare the living shits outta people too?" I asked the two, except it was directed more towards Evan. Maybe he was feeling left out or something.

Alana shrugged, "Nah, I'm cool. The dancefloor's gonna need some supervision other than Mrs. Yiek."

"Uh..." Evan stuttered. " I'm kinda... eh... scared? Of haunted houses. "

I gaped at him, " No way. " I said, but he nodded. Part of my really wanted to drag him in anyway, but I didn't want to hurt him in the process, so I just sighed and said, "Ok then." Evan looked surprised that I just let him go like that.

Alana looked at her watch, "'K. Dance starts in lime 10 minutes, so if you're gonna do the haunted house, you may wanna change."

I looked down at my outfit and smirked at Alana, "The scariest things are the things you can't explain."

"So you're not gonna change?" She asked for clarification.

"Nah."

"Ok well you can go join Rebecca, Kelley and Jonathan in the Science hallway. We'll see you at 7." She said, and I nodded before heading out of the gym.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published 8/9/19


	28. •25•

Leaning against a locker on the Science hallway was Kelley Popsi, talking to Jonathan Tyler. Kelley had blue-black hair, which was tied into a short pigtail, and fair skin. She was wearing a cute little black dress, with a red bow tied around the waist. Her face was dotted with pale foundation, and it looked like she poured red caramel onto her lips. I wasn't exactly sure what she was dressing up as, but it was definitely scary.

Jonathan was a tall, skinny boy with red hair combed back in a similar fashion as mine. He wore a poncho with red paint dripping down it. He had lots of eyeshadow, and his cheeks looked fire truck red.

I knew the two were Alana's friends, but other than that, I didn't know too much about them.

Jonathan turned to me and flashed me a smile. "First customer?" He asked, pulling a small red ticket out of his pocket.

"Nope." I said, "I'm gonna help you with the spooks." I had to play it off friendly. Because, despite my countless efforts to be noticed, I had a feeling Alana's friends wouldn't exactly recognize me.

"Alana let a freshman join us?" Kelley said, turning to Jonathan and ignoring me entirely.

Inside, I was extremely offended, but if I wanted to work with these people, I'd have to let it slide. "Hey I know I'm short, but I'm a Senior." I said with a big ol smile on my face.

Jonathan looked at me apologetically, as if he knew what was happening next. Kelley sneered at me and whispered to Jonathan, loud enough so I could hear, "I didn't think Alana would stoop so low with her boys."

I redened and said, "No Alana and I aren't like that! I just help her and Evan-"

Summoned by his name, Rebecca Teeter poked her head out of a nearby classroom, "Evan Hansen?" She asked. Rebecca had long blond hair that was dyed green at the tips. She was wearing green eyeshadow that complimented her green eyes, and her lips were drenched in green lipstick. She was wearing a poofy grey dress that had dark green vines tangled around the curves.

I nodded at her question, and she twirled into the hallway, her hair shooshing. "Oh isn't Evan just the cutest!" She said excitedly, stopping her twirl inches from my face.

I went a little more red and took a step back. Neither Kelley or Rebecca seemed to mean any harm, but both of them were making me feel slightly uneasy.

Thankfully, Jonathan decided to spark some small talk, "So what are you supposed to be?" He asked.

I laughed awkwardly, suddenly more nervous than I was. This sure was an interesting bunch of people. "I'm a ceiling fan!" I said, jumping up and flinging my pom-poms the same way I did for Evan.

"Aww that's so adorable!" Rebecca said, still only about a foot from my face.

"How is that supposed to scare people?" Kelley said, obviously not amused.

I laughed awkwardly again, "Sometimes people are scared by what they can't explain." Jonathan laughed, and I smiled at him. He kinda seemed like the only sane one out of the three.

"Oh, uh, here." I said, tossing each one of then a ketchup bottle from the bag I carried from the gym. "It's blood."

"It's ketchup." Kelley said.

Jonathan nudged her and said, "Hey play nice, he's only trying to help." Kelley immediately softened by Jonathan's touch. How much you wanna bet they had something going on between them two?

The four of us started down the hallway, pouring ketchup onto the walls and floor. It was pretty silent for most of the time, though a couple times Rebecca randomly giggled, and when someone asked why, she would say she just thought of something funny.

"Ok now we have like 2 minutes so jump in a classroom." Jonathan said, and I did as was told, jumping in to Mr. Valentine's classroom, which was littered with globes and diagrams of the solar system and photosynthesis.

I crouched under the closest desk and kept myself hidden. Luckily, I had excellent hearing, so I'd be able to know when someone was walking by. Besides, I'm pretty sure they only let one in at a time.

The lights in the hallway flickered out, and it was just then I noticed the little red and orange lights scattered throughout the hallway, lighting up certain areas but not others. It was pretty spooky, for a highschool attempt.

I head someone from close to the entrance of the hallway jump and and roar, followed by a really three girly screams. I assumed the first party was of little teenage girls. Oh boy.

The screams continued as I presumed the girls passed by the mannequins and the bats and such.

They got to my door and I straight up threw a pom-pom at them. One of the girls screamed, one laughed, and the last said, "Seriously Laurel? It's literally a pom-pom."

After their footsteps were out of hearing range, I sneaked out into the hallway to get my pom-pom. I saw a party of two in the distance, one clinging to the other's arm in horror. I decided to stay crouched until they approached me and act like a really misplaced mannequin.

They walked up to me and I jumped up, yelling at the top of my lungs, "BOW BEFORE THE CEILING FAN!" And they both screamed before running away. I had definitely bamboozled them. One for Jared, zero for average people.

The next while continued like that. Me throwing a pom-pom, going back to get it, and jumpscaring the next party, before hiding back in the classroom.

Eventually, I saw a party of two come in, though I couldn't exactly make out their features from far away. Kelley, who was in the first classroom, had jump up to scare them, before stopping and talking casually. _What the hell_? I thought. Why was Kelley just casually talking to a customer? _They needed to be scared!_

The smaller figure of the party eventually nodded and moved on, closer to where I was standing. The taller figure seemed to get closer to the smaller one, scared. Haha, a scared human! Perfect!

I jumped up from where I was crouched, and saw Evan move Alana in front of him for protection. He looked absolutely terrified. Alana, on the other hand, didn't look phased in the slightest.

"Hey Jared. Just checking the haunted house, trying to get rid of the chaos out in the gym." She said, completely ignoring the face that Evan was using her as a human shield. "Don't know how I got Evan to come along, I think he just wanted to see you, to be honest." At the mention of me, Evan poked his head out from behind Alana's back. A portion of his fear immediately disintegrated when he saw my face.

"Well don't just stop! I'm trying to keep character!" I said, ushering them forward, away from me. I didn't want to be like Kelley and just start a casual conversation in the middle of a haunted house.

Evan cast me a nervous smile before continuing alongside Alana, and I smiled back.

I went back into the classroom and poked my head out, watching Alana and Evan. When they got to Rebecca's classroom, she jumped out and said "RERERERE!" which, in my opinion, isn't very scary, but Evan straight up ran to the wall on the other side of the hallway, panting.

Alana waved at Rebecca and started talking to her, but Rebecca was definitely not paying attention to her, but rather Evan.

How much you wanna bet she has a thing for him? It kinda made me feel on edge, the way she was looking at him. I mean hey, she can love whoever, but... I don't know it just made me feel... Wrong?

Rebecca whispered something in Alana's ear and she laughed before shaking her head and responding to whatever Rebecca said. She looked a little disappointed, and now I was officially curious.

But then Alana and Evan turned the corner, and I couldn't see what was going on.

After Alana and Evan, a few more parties came before 7, which was the time Alana told me I should return to the gym. Kelley, Rebecca, and Jonathan got a small break, but they were going to resume in about five minutes.

"Thanks for your help, I guess." Kelley said, and Jonathan nodded.

I smiled, "Sure. It was fun, maybe we can do it again next ye- oh wait, guess not."

Kelley laughed, "Are you sure you're a senior?" She asked jokingly, and I shrugged.

I noticed Rebecca standing on the other side of Jonathon, but she was looking at the ground below my feet, not willing to meet my eye, as if she was scared of me. Now I'm 102% curious as to what Alana told her about me.

"Thanks for letting me help." I said, pushing aside the thought of Rebecca. I collected the empty ketchup bottles and my pom-poms and left the hallway, throwing away the bottles at a nearby trashcan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published 8/9/19


	29. •26•

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School's a bastard. That is all.

"Jared!" Before I even stepped in to the gym, I saw Evan's head snap up to my direction.

"The cheerleader has returned." Alana said, laughing.

"Hey," I said warningly, holding up a finger, "I am not a _cheerleader._ " I spat the word as if it disgusted me more than anything else, "I am a ceiling fan!"

Alana laughed, Evan smiled, and I went to join them at the concession stand, where they seemed to be 'working'. By working, of course, I mean chatting off and on as they chucked bottles of off-brand Pepsi and Cola to everyone who threw money back at them.

"We were just about to switch shifts, too." Alana said as I approached them. "Olivia said she'd be fine taking over concessions as long as it was the later shift."

"Perfect!" I said smiling, "That means less work for me!"

"And more for me..." Oliviamumbled as she walked behind the concession stand.I

I stuck my tongue out at her and walked away, Alana and Evan behind me.

"Oh Alana!" I pipped, suddenly remembering Rebecca. "What shit did you tell Rebecca about me? She was avoiding my eyes as if I was Medusa!"

Alana shrugged, "All I said was that Evan was interested in someone else."

Evan went beet red and looked away, while I felt my ears heat up on the tips.

"Well she hates me now." Evan and I both said in unison, which only made Evan's face redder (if that was even possible).

Alana laughed, "You are like so synced up! Why _aren't_ you together-"

"OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME!" Evan said loudly, looking at his wrist. He doesn't wear a watch. "It's bAthRoOm break time."

Before either of us could object, Evan made a dead sprint toward the boys' bathroom.

Alana and I stared at the closed door for a second.

"Drama Queen." Alana said, smiling at me.

"Uhm, _excuse me_? I think I reserved that title a long time ago!" I retorted. Alana smiled.

"Really though," She said, "Why aren't you and Evan together?"

I shrugged. "Seems kinda gay, dontcha think?"

Alana looked taken aback, "What? Is that a bad thing?"

"No. No!" I said, backing up and putting my hands in front of me to emphasize the point. "No not at all just-"

"You're not gay. I understand. Some people just don't swing that way." She sat down on a nearby bench and I sat beside her, not wanted to look like one of the awkward people who _stand_.

She was wrong though. I _was_ gay. Obviously she saw nothing wrong with that, but still, after I told her, how long would it take for word to get round? I doubt a whole night. I did _not_ want any people above me on the popularity scale to find out I was gay. Homosexuality doesn't have a positive connotation in the average teenager dictionary.

But Alana and I have grown closer throughout this entire lying process. And, there was a lot of things she didn't know. _A lot._ Maybe she deserved to know a little more about me.

"Not... exactly." I said after a moment or maybe 7.

Her head snapped up in curiosity. "Do we have a bisexual babi here?" She said, smirking.

When I didn't respond, she got more excited, "OOOH a bisexual boii!"

"I-"

"Yknow?" Alana said excitingly, grabbing my hands. "That's actually better!"

" W-what? "

"This may seemed far fetched, but maybe Evan and you _are_ only friends." She said, her voice dropping in excitement, but it was still there. "Maybe I know the reason you and Evan aren't together."

I was mega curious. "Wh-"

"Maybe..." She said, in almost a whisper, "Maybe it's because this bisexual boi wanted something else." And with that, she yanked my hands behind her back and kissed me.

I pulled away immediately. "WHAT THE _HELL?"_ I shouted. "I LOVE _EVAN!"_

Alana pulled a way and smiled with satisfaction, and I looked at her extremely offended and confused.

"I got a confession out of you!" Alana chanted like a child. "And I got a recording of it!"

"You _what?"_ I said, still extremely confused and taken aback by the whole event.

"Ok so I'm like super sorry for that, Jared" she started, "But I knew you loved Evan like that somewhere in that tiny heart of yours. I just had to hear it for myself."

I sat there, shocked, and Alana added, "By the way if you plan on kissing him anytime soon you might wanna take this." She handed me a breath mint.

"Wow... Thanks." I said sarcastically.

My brain was still trying to process everything that had just happened. "Wait so you didn't mean any of that, right?"

She laughed, "No of course not! Who would want to kis- Oh my god that's not what I meant-"

I laughed. "Ha, no, it's fine." I swallowed the mint.

"To be honest, I wanna forget that too. Just needed the recording, really."

"Wait... Recording?" Shoot, if Alana got a recording of that, the entire school will _definitely_ know about my little "crush" by morning.

She smiled proudly, "Yep! Just to replay it, yknow?"

"No, I don't know." I said bluntly. "Look, you better not-"

"Relax!" She said, shifting so she was sitting criss-cross on the bench. "I'm not gonna reveal your biggest secrets. That's more like a Jewel thing."

"Really?"

" Yeah! Have you meant Jewel? "

"No I mean-"

Evan appeared from the boys' bathroom and sat in the large gap separating Alana and I. "Hey guys I'm back." He said, still sounding a bit nervous. "I didn't miss anything did I?" He laughed awkwardly.

Alana smirked and me and I shook my head immediately. "No, definitely not."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fuuuuu-
> 
> Basically i stole the plot for this chapter from a TomTord fic out there and i have no regrets. Alana is sneaky snek.
> 
> Published: much later than intended (8/31/19)
> 
> (present-day Kelli: this is still one of my favorite chapters to date, mainly because of Evan's baThrOOm bReak tIme excuse. I'm so proud of that.)


	30. •27•

I don't go to dances much. The last time I've been to one was probably in 6th grade. I went with Evan (as friends of course), expecting something over-the-top to happen, but no, just a normal 6th grade dance.

The whole concept of dances has always seemed kinda odd to me. I mean, it's basically just a party but with adult supervision and no alcoholic beverages. I don't see any appeal to it.

Yet here I am, sitting with Evan and Alana during a Halloween dance, watching poorly dressed teenagers talking and chugging off-brand Fanta.

I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be doing right now. You'd think that more people would be dancing at a highschool dance, but no. I'd assume that everyone's either too self-conscious about their dance moves, or they just plainly have better things to do than dance.

I fall on the self-conscious side of the spectrum. That probably doesn't come as a surprise.

"So um..." Evan said, trying the break the silence between us.

"You should give a speech." Alana interrupted, turning to Evan, "You know, so people know the dance is for Connor?"

I could see Evan physically tense up. The mention of Connor seemed to put him on edge. Maybe he just wanted to have fun tonight, and forget all about the Connor Project. It's what _I_ wanted.

"Oh, uh, definitely." Evan said. He knew not to argue with Alana.

"Don't make him do anything he doesn't want to." I said casually to Alana, though not looking at her.

Alana sighed, "Yeah, you... don't have to."

Evan, though, shook his had. "No, it's fine, really."

I sighed and shook my head to myself. I could tell Evan was extremely uncomfortable giving another speech, especially after what spiraled from the last one. But either way, he didn't want to let anyone down. Classic Evan.

"You sure?" I asked, and he nodded. "mmmm ok then."

"Well, go on then!" Now that Alana knew Evan was going to do it, all the regret she showed a moment ago was gone.

Evan nodded to himself and walked up to the front of the gym, where Alana had conveniently set up a microphone.

Alana paused the music from her phone and Evan picked up the microphone. He tapped it once or twice to make sure it was working before talking.

"Hi." He said simply. Everyone in the gym was staring at him, wondering why he interrupted their 'dancing'. By dancing, of course, I mean standing and talking and maybe doing some karaoke.

Evan cleared his throat. "I just wanted to say t-" he stuttered before taking a deep breath and restarting his sentence. "I just wanted to s-say thank you to all of you. On behalf of the Connor Project, of course."

Of course.

"All of the money you've paid tonight-"

"A lot!" I heard someone yell in the audience, and everyone followed up laughing and/or cheering.

"Uh- yeah, thanks?" It came out as more of a question . Obviously Evan was slightly taken aback by the comment. I guess he can't take a joke. "Anyway... All the money we're getting tonight is going to the Connor P-Project fundraiser to bring back C-Connor's favorite orchard." His eyes were a little teary now, I could see it. Maybe it was because of Connor or maybe it was because he remembered that he wasn't really Connor's friend. Either way, not my problem.

"If you c-care... to donate more, I mean, then you can go to our kickstarter page." He took another deep breath, "Now, continue." He walked back towards us and Alana unpaused the music. Everyone resumed their activities.

"Great, Evan!" Alana said as Evan stopped in front of us. Evan only nodded in response.

We sat there in silence for a moment before I started, "Now wha-"

Evan interrupted me, speaking quickly, "Jared can we talk for a second?"

Alana immediately turned to me with a smug look, to which in response, she got an elbow to the rib.

"Sure." I said, shrugging it off as if my heart wasn't running 20 miles a minute.

Evan's eyes darted from me to Alana, before mumbling, "Alone?"

Alana shot up from the bench eagerly. "I probably should check on Olivia anyway." She said before darting over to the concession stand.

Evan didn't sit down, though. "I was kinda hoping we could walk?"

I tried my best to give him a small sympathetic smile, but it probably looked mocking. I stood up and we walked out of the gym and out to the school's sidewalk.

"I'm tired..." Was the first thing that came out of Evan's mouth.

"Me too-"

"of this." Evan finished. "And I don't know what to do or how to end it 'cause everyone's relying on me and they don't even know what they're doing!" He was speaking fast and panicked.

I wasn't sure how to respond to that. "You are talking about the Connor Project right?"

He nodded, before continuing to race, "I have a life and I can't live with this burden of a lie on my shoulders!" He tried to take a deep breath, but it came out shaky. He was on the verge of crying. "This is all a lie, Jared!"

I nodded, not willing to meet his eye. The moment I make eye contact with him, I'll burst out in tears, too.

"We're robbing people of their money, for an orchard that Connor probably couldn't even care less about..." His voice was slowing down, but it was definitely getting higher and more congested. He was definitely crying now.

"Lemme get this straight... you want to turn yourself in?"

"Don't say it like that..."

I crossed my arms, and, I'm not gonna lie, I was slightly irritated. "You've gotten this far, and now you just wanna give up? This is your future now, Evan!"

"THAT'S THE PROBLEM!" Evan shouted, before taking a breath, "That's... that's the problem..."

And then, I made the worse mistake I could make at a time like this. I looked at Evan. In the eye. While he was crying.

"Jared, no I didn't mean to-" Evan scrambled after he saw my eyes water.

"Fuck this..." I mumbled, trying my hardest not to break down.

The thing is, I understood Evan's pain. He was, at first, trying to do what was right, but it ended up spiralling into something that's more than wrong. He _wanted_ to make it right again.

I just wasn't entirely sure how that was possible.

"Jared..." Evan said guiltily.

"No it's fine. I'm not hurt." I said through tears.

"You're... Uh... Crying??"

"No shit." I rolled my eyes, (which were watery)

Evan sighed, "I'm sorry I shouldn't have-"

"Evan!" I said sternly. "It's. _Fine._ " I took a deep breath before continuing, "I understand, Evan. I just don't see how we're supposed to relieve the burden. We can't just go up to someone and say," I made my voice high pitch for humorous purposes, "' _oh yeah Connor wasn't real hehe_ _uwu_ "

Evan _almost_ cracked a smile. Not quite though.

"I know. But I- but I wish there was another way to stop all of this."

I didn't respond to that. I didn't know how. No one would believe us, and if they somehow _did_ , they wouldn't understand any of it.

TLDR; we're screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo I'm back.  
> Kinda.  
> I actually only wrote like 3 paragraphs of this today and the rest I wrote in September so.  
> Yeah.  
> Sorry bout that.  
> I promise I know where I'm going with this (now).  
> I have the next few chapters somewhat lined up and then pOof, it will be over.
> 
> Published: 1/12/20 (so like almost half a year since last update-)


	31. •28•

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HECC YEAH I'M BACK

The dance actually was a big hit. Between the concessions, music requests, ticket prices, and the haunted house, we raised around $1,800! If we did a dance like that everyday, we'd have enough money raised 2 months early without even having to lie about anything!

Too bad we can't do a dance like that everyday, huh?

Evan was in the passenger seat scrolling through his phone as I drove him home. We hadn't spoken much since our little debacle outside earlier. That was fine, though. I was fine with the silence.

My phone pinged and Evan shot up, startled.

"Jeez, Evan," I said, chuckling, "It's just my phone."

"Aren't you gonna check it?" He asked as I continued driving.

"No, Evan. I'm not. That's distracted driving and I'm a responsible member of society." Evan smiled a little and nodded, as I kept my eyes on the road like a responsible member of society.

"Do you want me to check your phone?" He asked. "I mean, you never know, it might be important."

I shrugged, "Probably not, but ok. Whatever fruits your loops."

Evan shrugged and picked my phone up from inside the cup holder. "It's from Alana." He said.

"Ok so definitely not important."

"Something about a recording? It has an audio attachment to it. Do people still use audio attachments?" He said.

"I didn't think so." I responded. "But then again, Alana. Not important."

Evan nodded and set my phone down.

I was fairly certain that the audio attachment was the one she took of me at the dance. The one where I confessed for Evan or something. Something mischievous and Alana-like.

But, come on, that had to be a slip in words. I don't actually like Evan like that-

Actually, screw it. There's no way I _don't_ like Evan like that. I mean, have you even been reading? Obviously I like Evan. I'd just hate to admit it to anyone, even myself. I've spent so long trying to hate Evan. To push him and tease him. And suddenly a big lie comes around and POOF! Evan is now the cutest boy alive and I'm in love.

See, even thinking things like this make me uncomfortable. I don't like having feelings. It's all screwed up. Everything's all screwed up!

But as much as I'd like to deny it, I _am_ sitting in a car with a boy who loves me who I love back. It's unreal and it feels impossible, but then again, isn't that just how life screws with you?

Am I gonna say anything to Evan? No. Am I gonna continue lying to myself saying I don't like Evan? Definitely.

Who were we talking about again?

I pulled in to Evan's driveway and got out.

"Of course you're walking me in." Evan said, but he was obviously happy about it.

I shrugged, "Might as well be a gentleman." Evan's face went the taddest bit pink as he walked up to his door with me.

He got his key out of his pocket before putting it the keyhole. He twisted the key, and his face went white.

"What is it? Having trouble unlocking the door again?"

"It's..." He said, shivering either because of the temperature or because of his current mood, "already unlocked. Shit."

"Ok so you forgot to lock the door big deal-"

Then the door was yanked open from the other side, reveling a rather angry looking Ms. Hansen.

Oh.

Her eyes wandered to me and her expression did a weird thing. For a second, it softened, but was quickly replaced with angry concern.

She tried to keep her voice stable as she spoke, "Evan."

"Mom."

In all honesty, it sounded like they were about to pull out guns and duel.

"Uh, yknow, I'm kinda hungry? Think I'm gonna go raid your kitchen if that's... uh... fine by you."

I flew past her and went to the kitchen, immediately setting myself down at their tiny little round dining table. They couldn't see me from the living room where they were, but I could hear them.

"Where were you, Evan?" Ms. Hansen said through gritted teeth. "What were you doing out at _eight o' clock?_ With _Jared_?"

"Mom I swear I-"

"And _why_ didn't _I_ know about it?"

Nod and confirm, Hansen.

"I was at a dance!" Evan shouted angrily. "I was putting myself out there! Is that- is that so bad?"

Ms. Hansen was quiet for a second. "You were... at a dance?"

"Yeah!" He said, " Halloween dance! I dressed as... me. Like always because you never let me go trick-or-treating-"

"That was _your_ decision! You said that, and I QUOTE, ' _Trick-or-treating_ _is just kids wasting money to dress up and adults wasting money to give them candy._ "

Gotta say, that confused me a bit. Because Evan didn't say that. At least, he wasn't the one who came up with it.

I've never been a big trick-or-treater.

Except. That's a lie. I loved trick-or-treating as a kid. Evan and our families would go together. Until 8th grade, when I decided I hated trick-or-treating because I didn't want to be seen with Evan.

"Ok maybe! But you-"

"Off-topic, Mark!" Oooh, bringing out the first names. That must've hurt. "If all you were doing was going to a _dance_ , why didn't you tell me?!"

"Because you always overthink things!" Evan responded quickly. Man, for being a terrible liar, he was pretty quick-witted. "You would've looked it up or asked who I'm going with-"

"And you went with _Jared?"_

Oooh, that one stung.

"Ye- No, not like THAT!" Evan's voice was starting to sound more and more nervous. Or sad, or angry... I couldn't tell. "He was my ride there and back! It was more of a group thing- I mean-"

A _group thing?_ Good going Evan.

"A group thing?" Ms. Hansen asked. She didn't sound angry anymore, but rather intrigued. "So it wasn't just Jared?"

"N-no, I've- uh... gotten closer to Alana, and- eh- she-"

"A girl? Go on..."

Oh no she didn't.

"No! Not a girl!" Evan said quickly.

I poked my head a little in the doorframe so I could see them better. Luckily, only Evan was facing my direction. He caught my eye and may have smiled the tiniest smile.

"Alana's not a girl?"

"No- urg. She is. Not my girl _...friend."_

"Not yet she isn't, Evan!" Evan's mom sounded excited now, like she was gonna form some elaborate plan to get the two together.

"Off-topic, Heidi." Evan said very, very, quietly, but still audible.

Ms. Hansen snapped her head up. "What?"

"I went to the dance, and I wish I hadn't." Evan said slowly.

"What... what do you mean?"

"The dance was a fundraiser for the Connor Project..."

"Oh that sweet little organization for that kid who committed suicide? That's awesome, Evan! Why would you be ashamed for donating-"

"Mom, there's something important I need to tell you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha I'm back  
> maybe for more than 1 chapter this time?  
> i rewatched the 1st act of deh and now I'm going through the phase again so have some content.
> 
> Published: 4/4/20


	32. iii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you've picked up on the trend that double-spaced chapters are Connor's.  
> and roman numerals.  
> just like the novel.

Jared was absolutely dumbfounded.

It was fucking hilarious.

Because his face, plus Evan's mom's face... comedy gold, man.

"Evan..." Jared whispered in a warning tone.

Evan had just told him mom he needed to tell her something.

And I have a sneaking suspension...

That him and Jared are not on the same wavelength with this one.

Evan and his mom sat down on the couch, and Evan started speaking.

"I... lie about a lot of things.."

Jared, meanwhile, was over in the kitchen pacing around while eating gummie snacks. He was going insane over there.

" Uh... like... What if you do an illegal U-turn and get honked at. Do you turn yourself in and get a fine?"

Evan using driving metaphors is kinda funny, since he never drives.

The answer, no. You don't turn yourself in. That's not really the right thing to do, because then you'd be wasting everyone's time. Your time, your passengers time, the police's time.

That was not a good metaphor.

"You shouldn't have done the U-turn in the first place-"

"But what if it's too late to un-U-turn?"

"I... wouldn't bother, Evan. Are you okay?"

What a question. Are you okay? I bet everyone in this house is asking themselves that question now.

_Am I okay?_ Evan's trying to figure out if he should tell everyone the truth, break hearts, break bonds, and break laws. Fake emails are a crime, didn't you hear? Tell people and possibly ruin his and other's lives just to get this burden of a lie off his back? Isn't that selfish? Yes, extremely selfish. But what if he wanted a life for himself? What if he just wanted to tell the truth for once?

What even is his truth?

_Am I okay_? Jared, is, somewhat, going through the same thing as Evan. Except his problem isn't a yes or no, it's a black, white, gray, or indigo. He wants to know what he thinks others know, but how can he know if he's never known to begin with? Or has he always? How do you accept who you are if who you are won't accept you?

Who even is he?

_Am I okay?_ Parenting is a hard balance of wants, needs, and gets, and right now, Heidi isn't wanting, needing, or getting anything. Trying to figure her son out when she feels she should've gotten it all working out by now. It has been a whole 17 years, anyway. She wants to know what she knows Evan knows, but she has to respect him as her son in the process.

Balance.

"I'm President of the Connor Project, Mom."

Jared banged his head on the table, but stopped before it made a sound.

"Wha- No... no your not... Alana..."

"A lie. Though, technically, not a lie. She's the co-president, Mom. I've done so many things wrong -"

"Honey slow down." Heidi said, "So your part of a project for a guy's memory you don't even know?"

Evan shook his head, and Jared was sitting now, scrolling through his phone while pulling his own hair in stress.

"I knew him." Evan said, "But I wasn't his best friend, and everyone thinks I was and I didn't mean to-"

He didn't mean to hurt anyone. He didn't mean to make shit up. He didn't want to be Connor's best friend. He didn't want to rob people of their money. You know what he _did_ want to do?

"Help the Murphys." Jared mumbled mockingly under his breath.

Help the Murphys.

"And Mom," Evan continued, "I want to tell them, everyone, that I messed up."

He _did_ mess up, didn't he?

"But that'll hurt them more, wouldn't it?"

Heidi sighed, and wrapped her arm around Evan. He continued, "And I haven't been telling you this because... because you never seem to understand."

She shook her head, "I still don't, but I'll be here for you."

She went on to tell Evan about the time his dad moved out. I don't think I have to reiterate it to you all. There's a whole song about it, and I have a sneaking suspension you all know what I'm referring to.

The only difference is, this time, Jared was in the kitchen to hear it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Connor is fully aware that this is an alternate universe.
> 
> Published: 4/5/20


	33. •30•

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope yall enjoyed chapter 29.

I think they forgot I was in the kitchen.

Believe me when I say that I was trying not to eavesdrop. This was obviously a very personal mother-son moment, but were like three feet away from where I was sitting, and the walls weren't exactly noise-proof.

Evan told his mom about the Connor Project. Or, at least _tried_ to. From the sound of it, he hadn't been talking to his mom at all before this, so the details were kinda choppy. But I could tell what he was trying to say.

His mom couldn't, though. She seemed to get the impression that Evan did something bad and needed support through it, but she doesn't seem to have picked up on any specifics.

She told him a story about the day his dad moved away. It was really heartwarming and cute, but really didn't have anything to do with the Murphys.

For once, I'm glad that Evan was terrible at speaking. Otherwise, that could've gone worse. Heidi could've told the Murphys and then Larry would put a lawsuit on us and it would all just go downhill from there.

Once about three minutes passed with little to no noise, I straightened out my hair (which I was messing with whilst panicking), and walked out of the kitchen. "Finished raiding the kitchen."

They were in the middle of a nice little hug, and I had obviously startled them.

"Oh, Jared..." Heidi said, laughing nervously, "Forgot you were there."

I shrugged, "You guys had some nice pizza in the fridge, but I gotta admit, the lack of pepperoni was slightly disconcerting."

Evan smiled at me and said, "Thanks for the ride home."

We all know what that means: get out of my house so I can have my moment.

So I nodded and headed back to my car.

My phone vibrated again once I sat down, and I remembered Alana's message. Imagine how awkward today would've ended if Evan listened to that audio file. What do you think would've happened?

I took out my phone. Speak of the devil, Alana was calling me.

"Hello Jello, who's this fellow?"

Alana chuckled, but I could tell there was some sort of deep concern in her voice. "It's Alana."

"I know I check the Caller ID."

"Look," she said seriously, "I need to ask you about something. I thought it would be easier to ask you first but I might ask Evan if you don't know..."

"Go ahead sister."

"Why... why did Connor kill himself?"

Aw shit.

"He sounded like he was doing better in the emails... and the dates don't lie, Jared." She continued. I started the car and put her on speaker so I could drive home. "Look, this one was dated August 1st, just four weeks before his suicide. _'I've been feeling more happier lately, thanks to you. It's as if all the happiness that got sucked out of me is being pumped back in.'_ That sounds good, right?"

I nodded, before realizing I was on the phone, and instead made a noise of agreement. Just nod and confirm, Kleinman.

"I just don't know what changed..." I heard some papers rustling on the other end, before she did a complete 180°, "How were you guys managing to hold together such a big friendship without anyone even knowing?"

"Well, I-"

"Like, you seemed to hate Evan at the beginning of the year. I don't understand it..." She wasn't demanding information or anything, she just genuinely sounded confused and upset and... maybe a little betrayed?

I wish I had Evan here to lie for me.

So instead, I avoided her question by telling a truth, "Evan and I have been through more than you know. We knew each other when we were in diapers, you know."

Alana laughed, "That's adorable." I chucked.

I sighed and said, "Maybe look through the emails some more? I know that I don't know why Connor killed himself. Evan may not either. Sometimes it's just an impulse, you know?" I thought back to that time just a week or two ago when Evan had tried jumping out of a tree.

"That's a messed up impulse."

"Maybe so, but it happens."

I got home and put the phone to my ear as I walked inside. "I'm home. Gonna have to get off the phone, because we all know my mom's gonna say _something._ "

Alana chuckled slightly, "Hey, it's better than your parents saying _nothing._ "

"Yeah, I guess. See you Monday."

I was about to hang up when, "-Actually! I was hoping you'd wanna go trick-or-treating Monday night? You and Evan? Just us three. I haven't been in a while and my friends all think it's for kids..."

_I think it's for kids, don't I?_

"Sure!" I said happily, standing outside my front door, "I haven't been in a while either. Sounds like fun!"

"Great! Awesome! See you Monday!"

"Bye."

I hung up. Potential Connor-Project-Crisis avoided.

I opened the door and my mom was there on the couch. "Evan again, huh?" Was all she said.

"I just went to a dance!" I said defensively, "Don't make it any bigger of a deal than it has to be!"

She smiled and I walked upstairs to my room.

_We need more emails, emails to show that he was getting worse._

I hopped on my computer and started a new backdated email.

**Dear...**

It's all mixed up. I can't remember what we've confirmed and what we've denied. Is Connor still going to rehab the date this e-mails supposed to take place or no? Is he still pinning his hope on Zoe or is the spotlight turned on Evan now?

What was real and what wasn't?

Except, none of it. It's not real.

Whatever I write, I'm going to contradict myself. That's what Alana was talking about. Nothing adds up and I can't go back to change the facts. It's not like a story you can edit and revise - it's out there. It's a memory.

Not a real memory, mind you, but a memory.

I wonder if I'll ever look back on that memory at Ellison's with Evan the same way now that I've morphed it into a lie.

Maybe that's what Evan's thought process was. Maybe this is why he wants to end it. Not just because it's a lie, but because it's a truth.

Which really doesn't make any sense to anyone.

Alana is looking at these emails as fact, not fiction like Evan and I are. She's reading it like a biography, and we're reading it like a novel in progress. In a biography, someone wouldn't talk about going to an orchard for the first time _because_ they've gone before. That just doesn't make any sense!

Everything's coming together. And I think we need to do what's right for _u_ s at this point.

No more helping the Murphys, Evan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared Makes a Breakthrough, But How Easily Will He Fall Through With It: A Stunning Trilogy.
> 
> Published: 4/5/20


	34. •31•

"Alana called me last night." Evan said over the phone.

"You too? Dang, I thought I got her off our backs."

"What?" Evan said confused, "No, she just asked if she could come to dinner with us at the Murphy's today."

Oh.

"Oh and she asked to go trick-or-treating." He said.

I nodded, "Yeah, me too."

"Are you going?"

He doesn't think I'll say yes, because "trick-or-treating is for kids."

"Yeah."

"Oh, but you-"

"I know what I said!" I said, cutting him off, "But it's been a while, hasn't it? Maybe I'll find some more joy in it now." Of course I wasn't gonna tell Evan that the actual reason I haven't gone trick-or-treating these last couple of years was because of him.

Evan sighed, "Yeah. Sure."

I looked over at my clock for a second before deciding to change the subject, "When do you want me to pick you up tonight? Or are we walking? I have Alana's address, too."

"Why not walk?" He answered, "Besides, Alana may want to have some time to talk to us before we get there."

"Fair enough." It was 4:43, "We probably should start now, then, if we wanna get there early. It's a long walk, you know."

Evan made a noise of agreement, "See in like... now."

I chucked, "Yep." And hung up, starting to walk to Evan's.

* * *

"I am _so_ excited, guys!" Alana said as she jumped off her doorstep to join Evan and I in our walk to the Murphy's. "I mean, I know I've meant the Murphy's before, but I've never _eaten_ there!" 

"You're not missing much." I said. Mrs. Murphy definitely wasn't the best cook.

I was trying to remain casual during the walk, but inside, I was panicking. Alana was skeptical last night about the emails, and now she's walking with us to the very heart of the lie. 

It doesn't help that Evan has no idea she's concerned. At least, if he does, he didn't tell me. He seemed pretty confused on the phone earlier when I brought it up.

"Are you guys bringing any more emails?"

The truth was, yes. I had two or three emails in my backpack that I'd wrote last night to try to prove that Connor was getting worse. But, honestly, Alana's kind of scary right now. If I gave her the emails, she'd totally find something off about them, right? That's what she's been doing for all the other emails.

"No." I said.

I looked over at Evan, and he was slightly pale. No, not _slightly_. "Something's up." I said quietly, so Alana couldn't hear.

He shook his head. "I always get anxious before Murphy visits." He said, "I thought you'd notice this by now."

That sounded kinda like an accusation, but I wasn't gonna take it personally. Well, I was gonna _try_ not to, anyway.

"Oh. Sorry." I said, not really knowing what to say.

Alana was leading the group, and when we came to an intersection, she stooped. "Which way, again?"

"Left." I said, no hesitation.

She nodded and we continued in silence until we got to the Murphy's.

Alana rang the doorbell.

Zoe opened the door. "Oh hey!" She said cheerfully.

Alana smiled, "Evan said it wouldn't be a problem if I joined you today."

Zoe nodded, "Yep, my parents always love seeing new faces." She ushered us in. Zoe and I sat where we usually do - the chair and the floor. Evan sat beside me so Alana could sit in the chair across from Zoe.

For some reason, Mr. and Mrs. Murphy were yet to arrive.

"Where are your parents?" Evan asked.

"We're right here!" Mr. Murphy said as they walked down the stairs into the living room. "Oh, who's this?"

"Alana Beck." Alana responded, "Co-president of the Connor Project. Evan said you wouldn't mind if I stayed for dinner?"

"No of course not!" Mrs. Murphy cut in. "It's nice to see you!"

Mr. Murphy sat on the couch while Mrs. Murphy got the emails from my backpack. Usually, Mrs. Murphy gets the new emails out of my bag every time we come here, so today was no exception. The only difference was I had lied to Alana 10 minutes ago about the emails.

"Jared you dirty liar!" Alana said playfully as Mrs. Murphy pulled the three emails out of my bag. Alana _sounded_ playful, but I could hear the slightest bit of anger in her voice.

"Forgot those were there." I said, brushing it off.

Mrs. Murphy read through the emails as we talked.

"So how was the dance last night?" Zoe asked, "I would've been there if it wasn't for the jazz concert for the 5th graders."

Alana took over, "It was great! We raise a lot of money, and we only need like 12,000 dollars more! Ever since I put the emails up on the blog, people have been donating like crazy!"

"Y-you-" Evan stuttered, "You put the emails up?"

"Of course! Why wouldn't I?" Alana responded, "It's really inspiring to see the process of change play out before your eyes."

That was a pretty bitchy move on Alana's part. She didn't even ask us!

Evan started fidgeting with his hands, and I understood why he was nervous. If, like Alana, the _public_ can find the inconsistencies of our emails, everything will come crumbling down.

Zoe, thankfully, changed the subject, "So what did you end up going as, Evan?"

Evan stuttered a bit before saying, "Myself."

"Bor-ing" I said.

Evan smiled the slightest bit and shook his head, "I didn't have time to prepare a costume."

Zoe nodded, "You should've came to us for help!"

Mrs. Murphy sat down the emails for a second and agreed, "Connor had a bunch of old Halloween costumes you'd probably fit into."

Oh yeah, like emo elmo and goth goliath.

"Well doesn't matter anymore, it's pass Halloween!" I said.

Mrs. Murphy nodded and continued reading the emails. "How many times did you guys go to the orchard?"

"Just that once." Evan quickly responded.

"Never with Jared?" Alana butt in.

And thus, the interrogation began.

"Only once with Connor." Evan stated.

"But," Alana started, and I suddenly felt a tad sweaty, "In one email in June Jared said something about enjoying the trip to the orchard?"

"Yeah..." Mrs. Murphy caught on. This isn't looking good. "And in this one Connor wrote he was excited to bring Jared back."

"Well maybe I forgot a couple of trips!" Evan tried to defend himself.

"Jared," Alana said. Shit, she was addressing me. I'm gonna screw it up, "Have you been to the orchard?"

I looked at Evan out of the corner of my eye, to see if he'd give me any sign. He didn't. "No." I said slowly.

Evan clenched his fists so obviously I did something wrong.

"That doesn't make any sense..." Alana said, grabbing an email from where they were sitting on the coffee table.

Both Zoe and Mr. Murphy grabbed an email, too, and just like that, they were _all_ lawyers.

"Connor talks about going the the orchard with Jared a lot..." Mr. Murphy said, "Even once _only_ with Jared. Because you were sick or something..."

"I- uh, Connor may have had memory problems! I don't know!"

Mrs. Murphy gasped, "Memory problems?" She shrieked.

"Connor was already messed up enough, _I_ think." Zoe butted in.

"He was _not!"_

 _"_ Look!" Alana shouted. Everyone quieted. "I'm not trying to accuse anyone of anything. I'm certain we're all trying to tell the truth here, but sometimes facts get jumbled."

She turned to Evan, "I think we should just recap the entire story, start-to-finish. Wouldn't that be the best option?"

Everyone nodded. Except us two.

"Great. Evan? Go ahead."

We had never made a concrete start to the story. There was never a "how we meant" or a "why we're secret". It's all just "we knew each other" and "it was secret."

Maybe that's why we're screwed. Maybe we shouldn't have written it like a timed writing test. And instead have gotten all the details right the first time. But, as any student should know, that's insanely hard to do, especially when you have no time for brainstorming before hand. You just write what comes to your mind, and if it doesn't all formulate correctly, then that's okay, because the teachers knew it was timed when they grade it.

But there is no teacher grading this, and they don't know it was timed. To them, it's just a bunch of letters exchanged through email. Friend-to-friend. A nice little friendship that means the world to the world, now.

Evan stuttered for a bit, before deciding to render himself speechless.

I probably should've put more thought into the next words that came out of my mouth, but considering all the circumstances, it seemed like the easiest thing to do.

"We never knew Connor."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published 4/7/20


	35. •32•

Evan wasn't shocked, no, he was _purely terrified._ He wasn't fidgeting anymore. He was as still as a stone.

I basically just told the Murphys that it was a lie.

That... was really dumb, wasn't it?

That was really dumb.

That was extremely dumb.

That was possibly the worst thing I could've said in that moment.

That was possibly the worst thing I have ever said in any moment.

I am a dumbass.

Welp, goodbye life. Goodbye sun, goodbye graduation, goodbye reputation, goodbye clean record, goodbye friends-

"What... are you talking about?" Zoe was the first to speak. "You... you guys were his best friends... his _only friends."_

What was I supposed to do?

I should've never joined this big fat lie. All I wanted to do was spice up my life a little, and, oh boy, did I?

Should I just continue? Spill it all out?

Turn it into a metaphor?

Let Evan do the talking?

(That last option seemed very appealing.)

"Evan..." Mrs. Murphy started calmly, "say something."

"I-" And once again, Evan physically could not speak. He just sat, speechless, facing Alana and the Murphys.

I couldn't just say nothing!

"Evan wrote the suicide note-"

"Who the fuck-" Zoe started, but I cut her off.

"I know! That's what I said!" I blurted, with the tiniest of smiles on my face to try to bring some humor to this conversation, "Like 'what is this, some sex thing?'"

"Jared." Alana said, pausing, "Just... talk." It sounded like a demand coming from Alana, not gonna lie.

I inhaled before speaking, "Evan wrote it for an assignment, and somehow Connor got a hold of it. He must've had it when he died."

Mrs. Murphy, "So are you saying...-"

"Yes, it wasn't Connor's suicide note at all."

Evan was trembling. Crying, no doubt. But I was the strong one here, I couldn't risk looking at him and crying, too. I did, though, manage to grab his hand. That seemed to calm him down.

"When you guys thought they were friends... I recommend he play along, as to not disappoint." I admitted, "I didn't think there was any way he could come over and just... admit the truth! You guys would surely think he was crazy!"

Silence.

Evan sniffed.

"I wrote the emails."

Zoe gasped.

"My idea. All of it."

Alana narrowed her eyes at me.

"Evan was trying to keep you guys happy." I said, starting to feel tears well up in my own eyes. This was really happening. We really did this, and now we're paying the very real price. "And I was trying to earn an easy buck."

Was I leaving anything important out? Did they need to know every detail? That was the jist of it, right? Evan was trying to help and I... helped him? I don't know, it's all jumbled now.

"Did..." Alana was the first one to speak up. She was also the only one not in tears, but rather a red, angry face. Her anger was not reflected in her voice, "Did Connor even die?"

I started to say something, but Evan cut me off, "I think so."

"Either that or he ran away like the psychopath he is, amiright?" I said, once again trying to bring humor into the conversation.

It did not work.

No one denied it, though.

Mr. Murphy hugged Mrs. Murphy, who was bawling at this point. Zoe just sat and stared at us. Alana did the exact opposite, she couldn't stand to look at us.

"I'm so sorry." Both Evan and I said at the same time.

Guess who was crying now? That's right, Jared Kleinman.

Zoe turned away and joined her parents in the hug.

I sorta expected Alana to join them, but to my surprise, she started heading towards us.

"Oh boy, oh boy." I whispered to Evan, "Get ready for a stern talking-to."

Evan took a deep breath as Alana approached.

She smiled.

What?

A smile?

"You guys really had me fooled." And that's all she said before bringing the two of us into a big hug.

I'm... so confused.

But Evan latched on immediately, the water works doing their thing. He was probably soaking Alana's cardigan. She seemed fine with it.

I slowly and unsurely wrapped my arms back around the other two.

Alana squeezed tighter, and that's when I noticed that she _was_ crying. I couldn't hear it, but my eyes couldn't have been deceiving me.

The 3 of us just stayed like that, in a long, warm hug. Zoe and her parents on the other side of the room no doubt doing the same thing.

Though I was a bit confused at first, Alana's hug did start to make me feel a little better.

She pulled away eventually and made her way to the door. "I'll be going now," She said, her voice as optimistic as always, "Sorry I couldn't stay. See y'all Monday." And she left.

"What the hell?" I heard Evan mumble. Okay, so he is as confused as me.

"I think you two should go to." Mr. Murphy said sternly.

"I was just thinking that." I said normally, standing and helping Evan up.

"Thanks for everything." Evan said quietly to the Murphys before we walked out the door.

We walked back towards the direction of Evan's house in silence. What was there to say?

We were about a forth of a mile away from the Murphy's when I decided to break the silence, "So-"

That was all I got to say, because then Evan suddenly stopped walking and quickly sat on the grass, starting to cry.

"Woah!" I said, basically diving down to wrap him in an embrace.

He wasn't just sobbing anymore, he was ugly-crying.

I kept my arms around him and squeezed tighter. "You're fine, Evan. We're fine." I whispered into his ear. Not sure if he could hear me through all of the crying, but I was trying here, okay?

And _I_ knew the truth. We were not fine. We're gonna get put into jail for fraud and our parents will disown us and we'll never graduate with a clean record. That was the truth, wasn't it?

But it's not really Evan's fault at all. I'll testify that when we go to court. It wasn't his idea to tell a lie at all. It was mine.

And I was the one who ratted us out, too.

"You didn't do _anything_ wrong." I said reassuringly, making sure to put emphasis on the _anything._

Evan wrapped his arms around me and held me as tightly as he did in Alana's hug.

His voice was very watery, and hard to understand, but he spoke, "Thank you..."

"Don't thank me." I said quietly, "I-"

"No!" Evan said, breaking the hug, "No, thank you for..- thank you for telling them."

I stared at him confused. "Evan," I said sternly, but at the same time softly, somehow, "That is _not_ something you should thank me for."

"But- but you knew how long _I_ wanted to- to do it. T-to tell them." He sniffed in between words, tears still flowing, "I just... couldn't."

I nodded slowly, understanding what he was talking about.

Now's not the best time to bring up the fact that we're about to be pressed with legal charges, anyway.

I looked up at the sky and then stood up. "We should get home, though."

Evan nodded and stood up, too, brushing off some blades of grass that got on his pants. "Sure. And Jared?"

"Hm?"

Evan shook his head before looking back in the direction we cane and saying, "I know you're probably tired of hearing this, but I really do love you."

I smirked and nodded. I feel like, deep down, Evan knew I would never get tired of hearing that, which is exactly why he says it so much.

I haven't told Evan a truth in a long time. He's probably tired of hearing lies.

"I love you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys it's gay.  
> so uh talk about slow-burn, right?  
> chapter 32 and jared finally admits the gay™  
> character !  
> development !
> 
> (yeah the book's coming to a close)
> 
> Published: 4/9/20


	36. •33•

We got to Evan's house, and thankfully, Heidi was not home. I don't think she'd really like the idea of her son coming home a weeping mess accompanied by _me,_ of all people.

Evan went straight for his room and plopped on his bed, face first. I sat beside him and put my hand on his head.

"Is this when we get arrested?" Evan asked sincerely. Poor kid, I scared him with all my law-talk early on in this endeavor.

But I couldn't lie to him, "Maybe."

Evan groaned and rolled over so he was on his back. "We screwed up, didn't we?"

I nodded, "Defiantly." I said casually. This is like the 97th time today I've tried to act casual while internally freaking out. "But it's in the past, now. We can't change it."

"I wish we could."

I nodded.

"Do you think Alana misunderstood something?" Evan asked after a split second of comfortable silence. "Like, why did she even hug us? We straight up broke the law and she comes down and _hugs us?_ "

I shook my head, "I really have no clue. But I pray to god that she _didn't_ misunderstand. Because then misinformation would be all over the blog by now."

Evan's face lit up and he pulled out his phone.

"Ah. Checking the blog." I stated.

"Nothing." He said after a moment.

"So she didn't post anyth-"

" _No_." Evan said, dumbfounded, "I mean, there is _nothing._ "

What?

I crawled over to where Evan was and looked at his phone. Sure enough, nothing. Nothing other than a gray screen and "This webpage is nonexistent."

"Holy shit."

He went on to Twitter and scrolled to Alana's profile. She did tweet there, thank goodness.

**Alana Beck**   
**@Alana__Beck**

**We did it, everyone! We reached our goal of $50,000 for the Connor Memorial Orchard! We did it extremely fast, too! Two months before the deadline! You guys are awesome!**

A thread.

**We plan to have the Orchard back up and ready for visitors by next weekend, November 13th, to be exact. We hope that some of you come to visit! Thanks for helping us through this sad yet hopeful time.**

Another.

**That being said, the Connor Project is sort of being disbanded. The orchard was our goal, and we achieved that goal. I will be starting a webpage and a Twitter profile for the orchard once we get it set up.**

Another.

**Evan Hansen and Jared Kleinman have also decided to part with the Project and the Orchard. They may still help from time to time, but they no longer wish to be affiliated with the Project. They have done what they can, and we should all thank them for what they accomplished for the group!**

And one last one.

**Moving forward, I am excited to get the Connor Memorial Orchard into action and to see you guys there once it opens! Thank you all for the support you have given, and I hope you stick around for the grand opening!**

"That's a lot of tweet." I said bluntly, and Evan stiffled a laugh."But who is she to just remove us from the equation like that? She didn't even ask!" I said.

"Why would she want t-to work with someone who l-lied to her?" Evan stuttered out. The whole situation seemed to be hitting hard for him. Understandably, though.

"But she made it sound like it was _our_ decision!" I sputtered.

"It was in a way, wasn't it!" Evan hashed back.

I shrugged and shook my head. The whole situation was sorta hitting hard for me, too. I should've known Alana would quit working with us. Hell, she'll probably quit talking to us, too, after what we did.

"No one's ever gonna talk to us again." I said bluntly.

"I'm talking to you right now." Evan said just as bluntly.

"Yeah but you love me."

He just turned away at that.

"We're totally gonna get arrested." Evan said at the same time I said "The Murphys are gonna murder us."

We both looked at each other and nodded, agreeing with each other's statements.

"What do we do?" Evan asked.

"Get our finances in order?"

A door opened downstairs.

"Your mom?"

"My mom."

"Hey Evan," Heidi called up, "I just heard from that Alana girl-"

"We're screwed?"

"We're screwed."

Heidi opened Evans door, and when she saw I was there too, sitting on her son's bed, her face formed a whole new emotion. "OH! Jared! Hey... buddy."

"Don't worry, he knows everything, too." Evan said, sorta taking the reins on this one. "Just punish us already."

Heidi sighed and sat on the other side of Evan. "It makes sense now, what you were trying to say last night... You lied."

Evan nodded, "About a lot of things."

I felt like this was another one of those mommy-son moments I wasn't supposed to be here for. But I'm here for it. So obviously it's not a mommy-son moment.

"I think we're gonna get arrested." I said to Heidi. I was basically her second son, right? Family-friend-son, is that how that works?

Heidi shook her head, "The Murphy's won't want revenge, don't you think?"

"I mean..." Evan pitched in, "We did commit identity theft... in a way."

Heidi nodded slowly, "The Murphy's are nice people. I think... they'll understand. If we just give them time."

Evan's head shot up, as if he had just remembered something, "Zoe!" He said.

I smiled for a second at his concern, but then shook my head, "You can never talk to her _again_."

"Hey, don't talk like that!" Heidi said , "She'll come around, too. You two have been through a lot, I'm sure she'll understand."

I suddenly remembered when Evan broke up with Zoe, and how I tried to take responsibility for it because I thought he was ratting us out on the Connor Project. I subconsciously started wondering if Zoe would look back on that and mentally punch herself for not figuring out what _I_ was referring to.

Maybe. But I can't control that, could I?

"Alana's already forgiven you-"

"I'm not sure." Evan jumped in.

I jumped in on Evan jumping in, "She was all like 'You really had me fooled, you dumbasses."

"She did _not-"_

"That's because she's..." Heidi tried to clarify, but she didn't seem to want to. "You _did_ have her fooled. She believed in the lies."

"She believed in us..." Evan mumbled sadly, the truth probably hitting him.

"And she still does!" Heidi said with too much enthusiasm. "She wants y'all to help plant some trees next weekend!"

"But she-"

"She was trying to protect you." She continued, "From the media and from yourselves. The internet was why you started lying, and she didn't want it to happen again. At least, that's what it sounded like when she explained it to me."

The three of us sat there in silence for a long while.

Heidi gave Evan a quick hug and then walked to the door.

"She is a nice girl." Heidi said as she opened it, "You two would make a good pair."

Evan smiled a little and shook his head, "I k-kinda like someone else, mom."

"What! Who-?" But her gaze shifted from me to Evan to me to Evan, and she just smiled and nodded, before closing the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man i suck at this
> 
> Almost at the last chapter believe it or not.
> 
> I wouldn't even consider this a kleinsen fic. More like a plot-based fanfic with kleinsen on the side.
> 
> jeezus.
> 
> Published 4/16/20


	37. •34•

And before you knew it... Monday.

Despite the talk with Heidi, I still expected _something_ to be off. Surely, Zoe would've told her closest friends, right? Maybe just a "Don't trust those boys." or something, right? _Something_ should be off.

But nothing was.

I drove to school like I always did. I saw Evan walking at one point and he smiled at me. Didn't ask for a ride and didn't break down crying. Just as if it was two months ago.

But it wasn't two months ago. It was today. The 31st.

Halloween.

We weren't allowed to wear costumes to school, but that didn't stop me from wearing my oh-so-clever costume.

"Hey Ms. H," I said as I passed her classroom in the way to my locker, "Like my costume?"

She raised an eyebrow, before deciding I was just a nitwit and saying, "Sure Jared."

Little did she know of the pom poms that were in my backpack.

I got to my locker and Alana appeared beside me. "Do you know where Evan is?" She asked, "I need to tell him-"

"His mom told us everything last night." I said as I got some of my books out, "He already knows."

Alana stopped and stared at me for a second, " _Everything?"_

I shrugged, "I'd assume so."

She studied my face and nodded. "Ok, well-"

"Thanks, by the way." I said before I could stop myself, "Evan's probably glad to be disassociated from the Connor Project."

Alana smiled and nodded, "I just didn't want anything else to spiral because of media, yknow?"

I nodded and turned to face her, backpack now packed up. "Yeah. Thanks." I said, and she nodded.

"See you tonight?"

I nodded, smiling a genuine smile at her before going to class.

-

  
Zoe is at the lunch table. _Zoe_ is at _the_ lunch table. _The Zoe Murphy_ is at _our lunch table._

"Hey, sis." I said casually as I walked up to the table. _Our lunch table,_ where _Zoe Murphy_ sat. "What brings you here? To... here... where _we_ usually sit."

She smiled, confused, at me and said, "Thought I'd talk with Evan." She took a bite of her peanut butter sandwich before adding, with her mouth full, "You can join too, I guess."

"Sure." I mumbled under my breath. In all honesty, I wanted to eat with Evan alone today. See how he was doing, and all that cheesy shit.

I took out my phone and played Subway Surfers, so I could ignore whatever conversation they were gonna have. Funny enough, I didn't really feel like talking to Zoe right now. I didn't really feel like talking to _anyone_ right now, except Evan and _maybe_ Alana.

I see Evan walk in, and once he spots Zoe, he seems to have the same sort of reaction I had.

"Hi, Evan." Zoe speaks first, because she knows Evan won't.

"H-hi."

"So about yesterday..."

"I'msorry I'msorryZoe Ididn'twanttomake it such a messplease don't file aclaimagainst us-"

"Chill dude." I said, despite the fact that I just said I was gonna ignore the conversation. Jake ran into a train, too, since I took my focus off the game.

Zoe scoffed, but kept her voice kind, "Yeah chill. I'm not gonna kill you."

Evan squeaked, "You're... You're not?"

Zoe laughed, "No. I actually wanted to thank you?"

"Th-thank me?" Evan said and I paused my game so I could listen a little better.

Zoe nodded, "Yeah. You fixed my parents relationship, taught _m_ e a bit about relationships, and, after all you did, you still told the truth."

"Technically Jared did that last bit." Evan said quietly, and I couldn't help but smirk. What a nerd.

Zoe laughed, "Yeah but you guys are basically a pair."

I didn't need to look at Evan to know his face was probably a tad bit pink.

Does literally _everyone_ think we're together?

"Uh- n-no.." Evan stammered.

"Chill." She said, "I said _basically_."

Is that girl code or something?

Evan would understand girl code.

"Oh shit, there's my friends." Zoe said, gathering her lunch, "Thanks for the chat, Evan. See you 'round." And then she left our table.

I pocketed my phone and looked at Evan. "So, ignoring that out-of-nowhere event," I said, "Everything been going good?"

He ignored my question and just said, "You've been so sincere lately... it's weird.."

"Do you want me to go back to being a douche?"

"No I-"

"I'm joking. Now answer my question." I said.

" Oh, I- Yeah. Everything's pretty normal. It's kinda unsettling just how _normal_ normal can be. Because it's not normal. "

"This conversation sure isn't." I said confused.

"I mean like... _this_ is normal. I got so used to the whole Connor Project thing that _that_ became normal. But it never was, this was."

I nodded.

"And even then, it's not."

"You lost me again." I admitted.

"Damnit." Evan mumbled. He took a deep breath, before trying again. "Everything feels normal, but... here you are."

"Me?"

"My normal was you... as you put it... being a douche. It's not anymore. We're friends."

_We're family friends, Hansen._

"Wanna go on a date Friday?" I said it before I could even think it through. The same way I admitted to lying about Connor, except this was something both Evan and I actually wanted to happen. I think.

Evan looked shocked, "But-" He couldn't finish his sentence. It was just, "But-"

"Just say yes, Acorn." I spat, smiling, "Stop acting surprised."

Evan smiled and his eyes twinkled, as if he was just offered his dream job or something. Maybe _I_ was his dream job.

Ew, not the time, Jared.

"Please!" He finally responded. "Where? What time? Are you're parents fine-"

"Yes." I said simply. "Just... Friday at 6 at..." Man, it's moments like these when I wish I actually thought things through before saying them. I shook my head, "I'll pick you up at six. We'll go somewhere."

A road trip? Could that even be a date? Are road trips dates? I know Evan likes road trips but if it can't be a date then it's kinda out of the question...

Evan smiled brightly and exhaled, "I-" he took a deep breath, "I'm happy."

I smiled back. I love seeing Evan happy.

* * *

My doorbell rang and I practically hopped downstairs to the door. "Hey Jared!" Alana stood there in her costume.

Except, it was a different costume then the one I saw at the dance. It wasn't her witch costume. Instead, she was dressed in yellow. She had a yellow shirt with a white belly, yellow leggings and even a little yellow tutu. She had little orange hairbands in her hair and her shoes were orange slippers.

"Ah," I said, "A duck, right?"

She chuckles and nods, "Yeah. Nice and simple. I realized once I got home on Friday that I would _not_ like to walk in those heels around the entire neighborhood for two hours. And I didn't have any other shoes that would match the witch costume so... I did have these slippers though! So I pulled this together last minute!"

"You look great." I said absentmindedly, stepping out of my house and locking the door behind me. 

"Thanks." She replied as we started walking to Evan's house.

I r ang his doorbell, and Heidi answered the door with a bucket full of candy. "Oh, Jared!"

Alana shoved me so she could hold her orange bag out to Heidi, "Trick or Treat!" She said. Heidi laughed and gave her some candy.

"What about me??" I said, mocking offense.

"You have to say the magic word..!" Heidi said.

I sighed, "Pah-leeze."

Heidi laughed, "I meant 'trick or treat ', but sure." She dropped some Drop candies into my bag. Wrapped of course.

"Evan's upstairs. He's been having some trouble getting ready."

"No I have not!" Evan said as he appeared from behind the stairs. 

He was... a firefighter.

Literally. His costume was a firefighter. Like those ones that 3 year olds wear. He was wearing it. Bright red and bright yellow. Firefighter hat and everything.

At least he had a costume this time, I guess.

He hugged his mom and walked out as she shut the door.

"You better be fighting me, cuz I'm the hottest thing here."

Of course the first thing that came out of my mouth was a snarky comment like that.

Evan kicked me.

"Oh my god, you guys are so gay." Alana said as we started walking down the sidewalk.

A duck, a firefighter, and a fucking ceiling fan.

What a perfect Halloween.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gaiii
> 
> Published 4/16/20  
> that's right, two in one day.
> 
> i think there's probably 3 or 4 more chapters. I think. Don't quote me on that.


	38. •35•

I finished my last bit of homework and looked over at the clock. 4:38. It still wasn't even close to six, but I was still freaking out.

It was Friday, and I still had no idea what Evan and I were going to go on our date.

I'm usually pretty good at winging things. As they say, going with the flow and all. But this was _Evan_. And a gosh darn _date_.

There's a part of me that wished I never asked Evan out, especially considering the circumstances. He's probably still reeling from everything that happened on Saturday with the Murphys. Actually, let me rephrase that. He's probably still reeling from _everything_ that happened with the Murphys. Was this really the best time to take him out?

Maybe not, but he said it himself on Monday. He was happy. That's all I really want from him, right?

Ha. No.

But for the time being, sure. I want him to be happy.

Now that my homework was done, I had no suitable way of distracting myself. I still had 80 minutes to wait until I had to get in my car and drive to Evan's, hopefully with an idea of what to do on our date.

My phone rang, and my immediate thought was, " _Oh boy another distraction!"_ , but then I looked at the caller ID.

I took a deep breath and, "Hey Evan."

"Hey." He said, trying to keep his cool, just like me. Both of us were obviously nervous. "M-my mom wants t-to know w-when we'll be back t-tonight..." He mumbled.

I bit my lip as I tried to quickly calculate everything I had planned for our date. Oh, wait. I planned _nothing._ I had 0 idea when we were gonna be back.

How long even are dates? Isn't there like a set timeline I have to follow or something?

_Timeline._

"Hold on, Evan, I'm getting another call." I said. Decoys! We love 'em!

Somehow I could hear him nod on the other end. I put him on hold, and dialed Alana's number.

"Jared?" She asked when she first picked up, skeptical.

"Look, don't look too into it." I started, not wanting her to get on my case about Evan, "But how are dates supposed to go?"

"OOOOOH!" She chirped, "You planning a date, Jared?"

"Uh.. kinda?"

"Oh, you're so totally planning a date." Alana said, and I could almost imagine her running up to her room to grab a planner.

"Can you hurry up, here?" I said impatiently, "I don't have all day."

I heard Alana's footsteps stop, "We don't?"

I swallowed. I had a feeling I was about to get a lecture about "timely planning."

"No. I'm leaving in like..." I looked at the clock, "45 minutes."

"Jesus Christ, Jared!" She said, "You're supposed to plan the date _before_ you go on it. Actually, typically it's planned at least _somewhat_ before anyone's ever asked!"

"Well, _I'm sorry!_ " I spat, slightly irritated. I inhaled before saying, "Look. I'm picking him up at six-"

"So it's Evan. Nice." She interrupted.

I ignored her, "And I just need to know what to do, and how long we'll be doing it. Like, a timeline."

Alana was silent for a minute before, "I think you should decide that, Jared. It is _your_ date after all."

"Helpful." I mumbled sarcastically.

"I try." Alana replied, acknowledging my sarcasm. "He likes trees. Maybe Ellison?"

I ignored the fact that Alana's helping me even though she just said she wouldn't. "He worked there last summer. Probably sick of the place."

"Maybe that old ice cream place? Everyone likes ice cream."

"If you're recommending Al-a-Mode, that's a big fat no. Connor-"

"Right." She said, realizing. "Maybe Dairy Queen, then?"

"That's literally the least romantic someone can get. A _corporate chain."_

 _"_ I don't recall _you_ being the date master, Jared."

"No u."

"Fair enough."

An idea suddenly hit me, "Dandelion!"

Dandelion Fair was a tiny theme park a couple miles out of town that Evan and I used to go to all the time when we were little. It was all based around flowers and trees and nature, everything Evan loves! It'll be a nice nostalgic place, too! It was perfect!

"Dandelion Fair?" Alana clarified, "Isn't that for kids?"

"Hey, technically Evan's still 17."

" _Evan_ is."

"Shut up."

-

Evan got in my passenger seat and closed the door. "Have you eaten?" I asked.

He shook his head, "I assumed we were going somewhere to eat."

"Well." Was all I said, as I started to drive. Dandelion had a bunch of food stalls. We should be fine. I hadn't eaten either so this was actually good.

"Where are we going?" Evan asked.

I laughed, "I'm surprising you, duh!"

"You don't know, do you?"

"Haha, that is where you're wrong! I have it all figured out this time!" I said triumphantly.

Evan chuckled.

We drove sorta in silence. Evan was fidgeting with his fingers, and then his hair, and then the hem of his shirt, and then his shoelace, and then his fingers again-

"Don't be nervous." I said, being a complete hypocrite. "It's just me. I'm not some stranger. You can't really do anything _wrong_."

_But you can, Jared._

Evan nodded quickly, obviously not convinced. I didn't press any more, though. I didn't just wanna make him feel worse.

I slowed at the road that lead to Dandelion. "No way..." Evan whispered. Yes way, Evan.

I turned and found a parking space.

"It's Dandelion Fair!" Evan basically squealed. I couldn't help but laugh at his enthusiasm. "I haven't been here in forever!"

I laughed again, "Me neither."

We got out of the car and walked to the ticket booth.

I gave the money to the dude there and he looked at me, "2 adults?"

"Well technically he's 17." I replied, pointing at Evan. In response, the ticket dude just pointed at the sign above him that had the ticket prices and said _**A child is anyone under the age of 12.**_ "So yes, two adults."

He gave us our admission tickets, and in a monotone, said, "Enjoy."

I nodded at him and went through the gate.

Dandelion wasn't large park. Maybe 6 acres or so? It was basically a large square of land with stalls of carnival games and food lining the middle, while the sides had rides, bathrooms, and benches. There were, obviously, dandelions almost everywhere on the ground. Sunflowers lined the entrance, and trees were basically used as lampposts, which fairy lights dangling all around them.

For a little kiddies' park, it was pretty beautiful.

"First stop, food." I said, "How about... Lilly's?"

Lilly's was the only food stall Evan's family would eat at when he was a kid, because his dad was lactose intolerant.

"Yeah, yeah!" He was practically jumping up in down with excitement. I think I picked a good place for a date.

We walked over to Lilly's and ordered our food. I got a hamburger and some fries while Evan got a salad.

We sat at one of the tiny picnic tables and began eating.

"I'm having so much fun already!" Evan said and he threw a tomato into his mouth, "And we've barley done anything yet!"

I chuckled, "Guess I'm doing a good job then." Probably not something you should say out loud on a date, but Evan knows me. He's fine with it. Right? I'm pretty sure.

"I haven't been here since I was 4!" He said, taking in his surroundings, "It brings back so many memories."

Snarky comment; "How do you remember _anything_ from when you were four?" Honestly, I barely recognized this place. It either changed a lot, or I'm remembering it wrong. Thank goodness I remembered where Lilly's was.

We finished eating and started just walking around, watching children play on swingsets and wait in line for the teacups.

"If you wanna ride anything, just let me know." I said quietly as we passed the miniature farris wheel.

Evan nodded and pointed to a ride a couple yards ahead of us. "Bumper cars." He said simply.

"Hell yeah!" I replied, smirking, "You're on!"

It would've been really cool if we just ran up and jumped in a car, but there was a line to wait in.

Once we got to the front of the line, we showed the ticket man our tickets and hopped into a car. Evan got into a purple ladybug car with the number 2 written on the side, and I got into a little orange beetle with the number 7.

Ticket Man went through all that theme park precaution talk, ( "Please keep all hands in feet inside the ride at all times." ) and then the cars starting moving.

Evan immediately came straight for me. I went straight for him. Those poor kids around us were probably so confused.

At one point a little boy in a black snake (4) car bumped right in between Evan and I. He smiled wide at us and we smiled back. He was adorable.

"Sammy I got the grown-ups!" He called to a red-haired boy on the other end of the platform.

"No way!" Sammy responded.

Evan looked at me and laughed. Those little boys honestly reminded me of Evan and I when we were tiny.

"Hey Sammy you're supposed to be on our side!" I shouted as the original little boy rammed into Evan again. Sammy laughed.

Then the ride stopped and all the kids (including Evan and I) stumbled out.

"That was so fun!" Evan said, "And those little boys were so cute!"

I chuckled and felt a little pride well up inside me. He's enjoying this. I'm enjoying this. I can do dates! Yay!

Evan stopped me at a Slushie stand and bought us both slushies. "It's not a fair without slushies." He said.

We sat on a bench and sipped our slushies as the sun set. I glanced at my watch and saw it was 7:08. I had told Heidi that Evan would be home by eight. _We still have time._

Evan finished his slushie way before I did, probably because he was nervous. He sat there holding the empty cup in his lap and staring at the sun.

"Don't stare at the sun." I warned quietly, "You're eyesight will end up like mine."

At the mention at my eyesight, my glasses decided to fog up. "You gotta be kidding me." I mumbled, taking them off and whipping them.

You know, I kinda expected this, but Evan was staring at me. "What?" I said, as if I didn't know he thought I was adorable without my glasses.

"You're adorable without your glasses." He said blatantly.

I chuckled, "I know."

I put them back on and finished the last of my slushie as Evan spoke, "You know... I'm kinda confused."

Man, he was gonna bring up the Connor Project, wasn't he? I was kinda hoping this could be a purely fun night. But ok.

I made a noise of acknowledgment and Evan continued, "I don't know if I should hold your hand or hug you or what. I've never d-done this whole date thing..."

My ears got a little hot and I turned to face him. "Whatever floats your boat." I said. "I'm not picky.

He nodded and turned to face my in the eye. "Ok..." He said quietly.

He leaned in an kissed my lips quickly.

"Was that ok? Oh boy, I'm sorry I-"

"Well technically I gave you consent." I pointed out, laughing.

In all reality, that one single-second kiss was like heaven.

"Can I do it again?"

I chuckled at his patheticness but "Sure. Whatever."

We leaned in and our lips connected. For longer, this time. He put his arms around my neck and I put mine around his waist, sorta subconsciously. My heart exploded and I couldn't hear anything except Evan and the cool air around me. I've waited so long for a _real_ kiss like this. Not one like the Pineapple Pizza Kiss™.

His lips tasted like blue raspberry.

He pulled away and his face was, like, very red.

"I'm sorry I-"

"Why are you apologizing?" I said, cutting him off, "I told you you could. And I enjoyed it." I added that last bit a little embarrassed.

"Oh, sor-"

"Dude!" I shouted, about to burst into laughter, "I tell you I _enjoyed a kis_ s and you _apologize_! You're ruining the moment!"

"Oh, s- ok. I'm sorry is just really new-"

"Stop. Seriously." I said with a kind smile on my face, "You're good."

He finally stopped speaking and smiled back at me.

Oh boy I love this kid.

"Bumper cars again?" I asked, "We dan do the racecars this time."

Evan's smile grew, "Yeah. Racecars."

"And the kids are on _my_ team this time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published 4/17/20


	39. iv

They're really doing it guys. They're really rebuilding an orchard in my name. The Connor Memorial Orchard.

Wow.

I've never really been into trees, but I guess I've never really thought about them either. I mean, they sprout up from the ground and provide us with living fuel, what else is there to say about them?

Apparently a lot, as Evan is going on about trees right this moment to Jared, Alana, and I.

Well, I guess technically not I. I'm not really here. But I couldn't miss out on an opportunity to see some random strangers planting trees because of me. It's weird, because it's not really my fault any of this is happening. But it's still happening.

I'm here right now because maybe, in some other world, the four of us could've been friends. Maybe.

Even if we were, though, this orchard wouldn't be happening. I think this is the only universe where this orchard would be happening.

Or maybe not. Maybe there's a universe where everyone got mad at Evan for lying. Maybe in that universe he never talked to Jared again except for once a year later when he decided to drive Evan to work. Maybe in that universe Alana set up the orchard all by herself, and tried to forget Evan was ever a part of it.

Maybe in a different universe, they were never friends.

"I never understood saplings," Jared said as he buried the roots of one under the ground. "Like why don't we just put the seeds in the ground?"

"B-because then the taller trees will t-take up the nutrients before the seed can." Evan responded. I'm not entirely sure what was happening, but it seemed kinda like a tree Q&A. Why Jared was taking interest in it, I have clue. Maybe it has to do with the fact that he felt like he screwed something up last night with Evan. Or maybe he just wanted Evan to feel heard.

Or maybe he liked trees, too.

Alana stood up and wiped her forehead, "Wow, guys," she said, "We're really making this happen."

Yes we are.

"I'm surprised you l-let us help." Evan admitted. Understandably, since he lied about basically everything and the orchard.

"I'm surprised we're still doing this at all." I added, "Since, yknow, Connor didn't actually like the orchard."

_You don't know that._

"Well you don't know that." Alana replied, "He could've liked it in his own, Connor-like way."

I guess she wasn't necessarily wrong about that one. The orchard wasn't the absolute most terrible thing in my life. Actually, I found it quite freeing those few times we went to have picnics there. Zoe and I would play paper airplanes and sometimes pick apples. Though, as kids, we thought the yellow ones tasted the best, so we only picked those. We didn't know that the orchard was exclusively red delicious apples, and the yellow ones were just rotten.

Hey, I may be dead, and play 0 part in bringing this orchard back to life, but I'm glad it's happening. Maybe some kid will find their own enjoyment in the yellow apples. Annnnd not get a stomach virus because Alana decided to actually plant some _real_ yellow apples this time.

Evan was staring at a little sapling he planted, and I had a sneaking suspension he was thinking something simular to what I was just thinking.

I walked over and kneeled down beside him, " _Hey, I only puked like twice_ _._ " Evan's face became a mixture of disgust, confusion, and 'why??'.

"What's wrong Evan?" Jared said, approaching him, "You look like..." He struggled to find a comparison, "You look like a ghost just came up to you and told you they had a stomach virus."

"Accurate." Evan responded.

Jared sat down beside him, and Evan instinctively leaned onto his shoulder. They were so cute. I ship it.

"You did it." He said, "Maybe Connor didn't want it, but maybe some child will love this place as much as you love that Ellison tree."

Oh _please._ He hates that Ellison tree.

"I hate that Ellison tree." He responded, "I mean, it's pretty, but probably bloody at this point."

Jared sighed and looked away, probably realizing he hit a triggering topic for Evan, and made him uncomfortable.

"It's fine." Evan said, forgiving Jared before he even apologized.

Jared nodded.

They sat like that, in silence for a moment, Evan's head on Jared's shoulder as the two looked off into the distance. I couldn't help but feel I was invading a personal moment.

Jared ran his fingers through Evan's hair a total of 1 time, giggled, and said, "It's kinda pathetic how long I've wanted to do that."

"Does it feel clean?"

Jared feigned disgust, "Why?! Did you not wash it?"

Evan laughed and Jared continued brushing through his hair.

Evan took a deep breath, looked around to make sure Alana was out of earshot, and asked, "Are we a thing? I mean, you took me on a date, kissed me, and now you're playing with my hair. That makes us a thing right?"

Evan was so new to this whole 'dating' thing that it was honestly kinda pure.

Jared smiled at no one in particular, "Do you wanna be a thing?"

"I wanna be a thing. A lot."

Jared scoffed, but, like, a kind scoff, if that's even possible. "Of course you do. So we're a thing, then."

Evan smiled and nuzzled into his shoulder a little more and nodded. "I'm still unsure about all this though."

"Seriously?" Jared responded, "You like me for like 5 years and you're unsure about dating me?" He realized what he actually said and tried to patch it up, "Well- no, I mean- if you don't want to I-"

Evan laughed softly, "No, I meant the orchard."

Jared calmed down, "Oh. Ok."

"The only reason anyone's gonna come here is because of Connor."

Is because of me.

"And he didn't even care about it." He sighed, " Kinda seems like... robbing? I guess? Robbing them of knowledge. "

Jared took a deep breath in, trying to figure out how to respond. "I think... people will find the orchard before the orchard finds them. Kinda like you did Ellison. Like, you just gave us a lecture about this history behind the park, right? Most people don't look in to that. You're just a nerd."

Evan laughed but then said, "Ok, but I don't see where you're going with this."

"To everyone else, this is just an orchard." He continued, "It's pretty. And, yes, it has meaning, but that meaning will vary from person to person. For Alana," he looked at her, planting a couple yards away, "Yes, it's about Connor. For you," he shrugged, "It _feels_ like it's about Connor, but honestly, I don't think it has a meaning for you yet. And for other people, it'll have a different meaning. It's just an orchard, Evan."

I would like to acknowledge the fact that he had that long, deep, inspiring speech, but ended it with "It's just an orchard." Like, what an anticlimax.

It seemed to work for Evan, because he settled down. "Ok." was all he said.

"Ok." Jared responded .

I didn't know Jared was capable of being so comforting.

"I think that's the last of them." Alana said, walking toward the boys, "This place is beautiful, guys!"

Evan sat up and nodded, "I'm glad we could do it."

Me too, Evan. Me too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Using Connor as an easy way to write in third-person omniscient? It's more likely than you think.
> 
> Published 4/18/20
> 
> I would also like to add that updating this has helped me keep track of the dates-


	40. ~Epilogue~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's POV this is from?

The orchard is growing.

Like, the trees are getting bigger, and I even saw a tiny apple-like fruit on one the other day. It's insane.

It's been a year and a half since the Connor Incident. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't think about it every single day. I do. I wake up, yawn, and think, " _oh god remember Connor?"_

Yeah, I sure do remember Connor.

Honestly it wasn't meant to become any of this. It was a letter, then it was a way to spare feelings, then it was a way to get Zoe... then it was a way to get Jared, I guess.

That's _really weird._

And I just couldn't find a way to stop it at that point, because it felt like as if the lie had become the truth. There were so many nights back then when I'd stare at my ceiling and actually _imagine_ all of that stuff happen. As if I could change the past by trying to manipulate my own memories.

It was really freaky, now that I think about it.

But the truth was, (and still is), that I never knew Connor (and never will). He was never in any classes with me, not that I can recall at least, and the only real interaction we've ever had was that day in the computer lab with my letter.

The letter.

This whole situation probably could've been avoided if I just signed the letter " _Your best and most dearest friend, Evan Hansen."_ But I didn't, I signed " _Me_."

I still have that letter. Somewhere. Maybe under my bed or in my backpack. Or maybe not, maybe I left it at the therapist's office and never bothered to get it back. Now like I cared. I would rather not see that letter again, thank you very much.

But see, it's been a year and a half and I'm still dwelling over it a lot. My mom has told me a billion times that this would all feel far away soon, but it doesn't feel close to far away yet at all. How far away is far away?

-

  
Some people, despite Alana's tweets, still associate me with the Connor Project, (which is weird, since, didn't Alana say that "The Connor Project" isn't really a thing anymore?).

It's not too bad, I guess, but it does make me a little anxious about going out in public. Like this one time I needed new pants, so I went to the Kohls down the street, as you do when you need pants. Some random _child,_ like 6 _years old_ , came up to me and just said, "My mommy thinks you!" And at first, I was very confused. Until I realized he meant _thank._

But that kid knows I made an impact. Maybe he doesn't know the impact of that impact, being 6 and all, but he knows I did something. His mommy definitely knows I did something, and she's been telling her children about it. She doesn't know it's a lie; and he doesn't know it's a lie; yet they're still thankful of me. For what? Raising money for an orchard? Anyone could've done that.

Once, I went to get a McDouble because it was just one of those days. The cashier recognized me, I think. She asked me the brand-name-welcome, "Hello welcome to McDonald's, can I take your order?" But then she started, like, _thinking._ And I could tell she was thinking because I also think a lot.

"Do I know you?" She asked, INTERRUPTING MY ORDER, MAY I ADD! Talk about bad employees.

"U-uh, I don't think so?" I responded.

Oh yeah Jared was there, too, "Unless you're Alana in disguise."

That seemed to strike a chord in the employee's brain, "OH! Alana! You're those Connor Project people! You guys are awesome! What was that, two McDoubles?"

Even though it was a short interaction, it really threw me off-guard. Like, jeez, these random people can recognize me from ONE video I did about Connor. I was literally never in a photo.

After graduation, my mom took me, Alana, Jared, Zoe, and Alana's little sister, France, to a lot celebratory day at the beach. It was kind of awkward, not gonna lie, especially since Zoe and I hadn't really talked since that one time at lunch, and none of us even knee France.

"She insisted she come." Alana told me on the car ride there, "What France wants, France gets. That's my parent's motto. Spoiled little bitch."

As the day went on, I found that Alana was right. France is a spoiled little bitch. Makes me wonder how Alana turned out so well.

Anyway.

Zoe kinda kept by my side most of the time, which was really awkward. I mean, it was probably because she was shy in her bathing suit and she was with a bunch of people she barely knew, and I was the only one she was comfortable with, but imagine how awkward that was for me. We talked, yes, but I was basically I jumbled mess.

To make matters worse, just as Zoe was _trying_ to talk to me about her 4th grade rock collection, some dude came up to us and was like, "Yo!!! The cute Connor Project couple!!! Gotta get my friends to see this!!" And then went to get his friends.

Zoe tried to pull me to another spot, but honestly I was too scared to move.

The guy came back with 2 other boys, a really short one and one a couple inches shorter than him. They both looked at each other, and the medium-sized one, (who kinda looked like Jared? I should ask if they're related.) said, "Ok?? Hi?? I'm sorry. We'll be going back now." And then the two friends questioned the tall one a bunch on the walk back.

Zoe burst into a fit of laughter but I felt like crying.

I think about it now and it was kinda funny, but back the it was like _ehwhhehh_ _,_ yknow?

Once, I turned in one of the letters we showed the Murphy's as a nonfiction creative writing assignment. I wouldn't have done it if I remembered we had the assignment, but alas.

I walked into school that day and Alana was by my locker. "You wouldn't even _believe_ what I wrote about for our writing project!" She exclaimed .

And that's when I realized, I had screwed up.

She must be really good at... everything, because when she saw my facial expression, she pulled one of the letters out of her backpack and handed it to me. "I had a sneaking suspension you wouldn't remember." She said, "And Ms. H did say that letters count. "

"But it's not non-fic-"

Alana gave me an apologetic look and said, "To her, it is. Just turn it in."

I only got an 84 B on the assignment, but Ms. H walked up to me in the hallway and said, "I really loved how you used one of Connor's letters for your assignment. Really shows how much you were dedicated to helping him."

Ms. H is one of those teachers who you can't tell if their being sarcastic, passive-aggressive, or sincere, and this was back when I assumed everyone would know everything. So I kinda just thumbs-uped and went about my day.

-

The first few days I went back to school, I was sort of eagerly awaiting what I thought was the inevitable. For someone to come up to me and say, "You sick bastard." or maybe, "'Do it for Connor ', huh, lie-y boy?" But no. None of that ever happened.

There was that talk with Zoe I had on Monday, but that was a thank you, not a get lost. Out of all things that happened in the short period of time that was the beginning of my Senior year, that talk with Zoe might've been the strangest. I couldn't understand why she would _thank_ me for destroying whoever Connor really was with a bunch of lies and printed emails. But ok. Sure. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm really glad Zoe was still willing to talk to me, but it just seemed really weird in my mind.

And even stranger, Jared asking me out on a date that very same lunch period. Very blunty, too, but if I know anything, I know that speaking your mind before thinking things through can kinda be good maybe sometimes I don't know. He really caught me off-guard, though, in like a really gay way, too. Curse him for that.

Because, like the moment he said that, all I could think was, " _holy_ _shit_ _holy_ _shit_ _he's so adorable and he's Jared and he's asking me on a god dang DATE and now he's looking at me expectantly holy shi-"_

Uh yeah I had fun.

Tuesday and Wednesday were probably worse, though, because the more time that passed, the more facts that could've got passed, too. Surely Alana would've spread the news, right? She spreads the news about everything!

  
I got picked in gym to be on somebody's team _first_. Like I was the first person picked! Surely, it was because they wanted to fight be behind the building, right? Right? No, not right. Because, once again, absolutely nothing happened! We just played dodgeball, just like normal. Except it wasn't normal because usually I'm not panicking so much. But I was this time. Because I was picked first.

I got called on in Psychology (which I didn't ask to take but apparently Environmental was filled) when the teacher asked, "What's the psychological difference between a white lie and a lie lie?" And, internally, I was like _oh yeah, she totally knows, especially since Alana is in her 1st block._ But I answered and she just nodded. She didn't say anything like "Maybe you should keep that in mind next time" or something.

And now, a year and a half later, I could still say that nothing really changed; because no one really knows. But in reality, a lot changed. For me at least. Everytime I even _consider_ lying, there's a little voice in the back of my mind that says, " _Do you want another Connor Orchard?"_ because I'm just that paranoid.

The Connor Orchard is probably one of the reasons I decided to take a break year before college. I mean, sure, finances are difficult and my job at Pottery Barn is surely helping, but I also wanted to stay to see the Connor Memorial Orchard grow. A constant reminder of good that can come from strangers, as well as the good that can come from the bad. I guess.

Maybe it's a constant reminder that I make an impact, whether I want to or not. That's a nice constant reminder.

I'm here now, at the orchard. The trees are growing and stuff is actually happening here. The orchard is now open to everyone - not just donors, - so there are actually people here who knew nothing about Connor. Maybe they'll find their own meaning in this orchard, like Jared told me when we first started planting.

Or maybe not. Maybe it'll just be an orchard.

Jared's here.

We planned to meet on Friday, but I guess fate has a way with messing with plans.

"You're early." He says, smirking, "Just couldn't wait, huh?"

Jared's my boyfriend.

Even a year later, it excites me to think that.

"I'm just here for the trees." I responded. I felt like it was physically impossible to express how happy I was to see him at the orchard.

Jared's a freshman at the Rochester Institute of Technology, and even though he's only like 20 minutes away from here, he hasn't been here before. He probably has more important things to do, though, like... focus on graduating, I guess? He's told me the workload's really tough, and only like 50% of people there graduate. I want him to graduate, so I haven't been pressuring him to come here too much.

That being said, he's part of this orchard, too. He was part of the reason it existed in the first place, being the one to give me the idea and all.

Was he the one to give me the idea? I'm not sure. Someone was.

Anyway, I really wanted him to see how well everything's been growing. How good of a job Alana's been doing keeping this place in line.

Jared nodded and looked around, walking towards me, "It's sustainable." He laughed, "Alana made something sustainable. That's a first."

He stopped about about a foot or two away from me, and we sat on a nearby bench. "Well, w-we helped too."

Jared shook his head, but smiled and said, "Ok, Evan."

As I said, Jared's school is only like 20 minuets away, so we've been able to see each other every here and there, but we haven't really gone on any big dates since like November. Which, granted, was only like a month or so ago.

We talked on the phone _a lot_ though. There were these 2 weeks when he'd call me 3 minutes before every class was dismissed just to see if the teacher would care. Then he'd talk all the way to his next class. And if he couldn't think of anything to say, he'd just go on about how much he loves me. After those two weeks, and getting caught three times, he didn't want to risk being expelled so he stopped. He still calls me every day after his last class and I call him every morning at 6 a clock (because he's like... really cute when he's tired.)

But now he was home for Winter Break and we were alone in the orchard. The Connor Memorial Orchard.

"How's school?" I asked like a dummy, because of course I know how school's going! I just asked him 3 days ago!

He smiled and chuckled, "Still think the side job at Subway pays better."

"Well _duh_." I said, elbowing him.

He laughed and looked around at all the people, "This place is as popular as Ellison." He commented.

"I wouldn't say _that_." Honestly, I hoped our orchard would never be as popular as Ellison. I didn't feel like we deserved that.

He shrugged and wrapped one arm around my shoulder, and I leaned in to him a bit. Typically, I hate human contact, but something about Jared is so... inviting.

"Heard from Alana?" I whispered. Alana was majoring in Sociology ("and maybe something else, if I have time.") at the University of Pennsylvania. So she wasn't even in New York anymore, which was kind of weird.

Her and Jared have had full-on arguments about who has a worse workload, and it does not make me excited for college.

But she and I haven't really talked to her much this year. I mean, I can understand why, and it shouldn't even matter, since I didn't even care at all about her until just last year. But I guess the Connor Project was kinda a weird sorta bonding experience for the three of us. So we're like friends I guess.

Jared shook his head and replied, "Not since Thanksgiving. She doesn't know if she'll be back for break. Something about a project she missed cuz she was sick."

"She has to be home for the New Year!" I whined, " I was gonna have a big party! "

Jared looked down at me with an amused smile, " _You?_ Party?"

I laughed quietly, "Well... big as in you, Alana, and maybe Christine."

Christine was my co-worker at the Pottery Barn. She goes to a small community college to study History, but she mainly wants to be an actor, so she stayed in town to continue hee "career" at the community theaters. Her and I have bonded over our job, so I think it's safe to say we're friends now.

I don't think I need to describe how happy my mom was when I told her I was gonna invite Christine to our New Years hangout thing.

Jared nodded, "That's more Evan-style."

Two kids on bikes pedaled quickly past us, one almost ramming into a tree. "Come on Ed!" The other shouted, "The monster's gonna catch you if you don't hurry!"

They looked sorta familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

"I can't control the trees, Sammy!" The other one yelled, and I remembered that they were the kids that Jared and I played with at Dandelion on our first date!

"Are they-?" Jared asked, realizing the same thing I just did.

"Yep."

"You know," Jared said, his voice soothing. "I really miss being able to hold you like this every day."

I knew he was trying to be all cute and stuff, but I had to; "You have never held me like this _every day_."

He put his other arm around me and laughed, "You know what I meant."

I buried my head in his chest, "Yeah. I do."

We stayed like that for a second until Jared scoot back a little so he could look me in the eye and asked, "How is it doing?"

He was referring to Connor. The Connor Project. He was asking me how _I_ was doing, but in relation to the Connor Project. I don't know how I knew that, but I seem to know.

I exhaled, "I... It's the same." I said, "This orchard doesn't make up for the fact that I'll live with the weight of the Project for my entire life."

Jared and I tend to swerve around the topic of the Connor Project, since it's... just not fun to talk about. But every once in a while, he makes sure to ask me about it in case I need to vent about it.

And sometimes I do.

He wrapped his arms around me again and said, "Maybe it's a good thing, though."

I scoffed, "Yeah. Sure." I was not convinced.

"Hey, think of it like this." He ran his fingers through my hair, and, not gonna lie, I could easily fall asleep like this. "If it never happened, we wouldn't be here, at the Connor Memorial Orchard, on this bench, together."

When he puts it like that, it sounds like a blessing.

"And it's over now." He added, saying the same thing everyone always says. _It's in the past._ "And you have me." He pulled away to smile at me.

"Stop trying to be all sappy and stuff." I laughed, play-punching him.

He kissed my hair, before backing away and shrugging, "Hey, sometimes I need my moment."

"I really am glad everything turned out well." I said. Truthfully, I am. There's so many terrible things that could've come from this. So many worse case scenarios. Jared was aware of most of them, too.

We could've got arrested.

We could've been assassinated.

We could've lost all our friends.

We could've be denied college education.

It could've been put on our record.

But none of that happened. It seemed like an unrealistic outcome. Everything's... perfect. Externally, at least. Maybe I fight with myself a lot, about a bunch of things I could've/should've/would've done differently, but, really, everything turned out as good as it could be.

Alana is no longer just a close acquaintance.

I meant Christine.

Zoe still talks to me.

There's nothing on my personal record.

No one besides the Murphy's, my mom, Jared, and Alana know the true extent of what happened.

Actually, no one but Jared knows the _true_ extent of what happened. He was the only one really there to experience it.

And now he's my boyfriend.

_Holy_ _shit_ _._

"Me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published 4/19/20  
> Word Count 3302
> 
> HOLYYYYY!!!!
> 
> WE DID IT BOIS!
> 
> Ah i feel so happy and bittersweet rn  
> but i won't go too much into it here.
> 
> Anyway yeah ❤
> 
> -
> 
> Over all, I'm glad this is over because I honestly had no more ideas.
> 
> That was a joke.
> 
> But it is kinda true. It had to end eventually, sorry guys.
> 
> Thanks to all of you for sticking around and actually reading this monstrosity, because honestly, I wouldn't have all the motivation I needed to finish this of it wasn't for your guys' comments and votes!
> 
> Thank you and I hope I'll see you somewhere soon!  
> (on wattpad ofc, not in real life. SOCIAL DISTANCING PEOPLE!)
> 
> -Kelli!


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